It was a long weekend. She had the 2 little ones and i had the 2 oldest. we had a lot of fun. She took the kids to someold friends place as she is not allowing OM to have any involvement with my children.
The funny part, is this friend of hers has asked me to have them out for a visit. I know this friend and have for 20 years, she is just an on again off again kind of friend. So not sure as to why this sudden interest in reconnecting with me. maybe to get some info for the wife. Im not sure.
I have stood firm with my wife that as long as OM is in the picture she cannot be apartof my life other than concerning the kids.
She made it quite clear on Thursday night that she misses the family and the kids, but she doesnt miss me. She is going to get her own place and she is still going to see OM. So i said fine now leave my house. She wont break the boundary of bring OM around the children as it could cost her the kids on a more permanent basis. Her illegal activities have been documented and my lawyer has the evidence.
It is tough with Christmas coming, now that I have had to assume the car and the car payment it is really tight in my home. I know have every bill that we together shared without her income. Very tough, but the kids seem to understand Christmas wont be the same as usual this year.
So I have made the boundary that as long as the OM is in the picture, she cant be a part of my home life. Which means she wont see her son on his birthday, she wont see the kids on christmas, and she will only get the 2 youngest on Boxing Day as the oldest have a week with their father. So i am struggling with this one. My kids wont see mom on christmas, her entire family will be at my house but she wont be.
Is there a point where you can stretch a boundary for special occasions, or do I stand firm that as long as OM is in the picture, she is not sharing i my life?
Her life took another turn for the worse, she has no car and most recently while driving her moms car, she was pulled over and has a suspended license. So she cant drive. She is totally dependant on friends driving her to and from her visits with the kids. So i expect the kids to see less and less of her shortly.
Well thanks again for all the support. let me know if i can be flexible on the boundary issues. I welcome everyones input.
'Boundaries' like these are ultimatums, and if they take you further from your goal, what good are they. I understand you have a limit with which you can live.
Stretch your boundary to bring more love into your family, especially for your kids. You can't dissolve it completely because you've set it and you want to be believed. So choose where you will relax it--especially for the kids. In doing so, you might soften your wife's heart towards you. Seeing your kids joy will probably warm your heart as well.
ok dbmod, but ihave relaxed it. I have even made sure she got to her visits with the kids. I let her stay at my home as she had no money and no car to take them anywhere. If i let her have christmas she is getting the family life she gave up and she just runs back to OM and the single life. What does this do. It causes me heart ache, it gives her a dose of family life so she can deal with the loss and she has no committments.
on another note, her father hasnt been apart of her life for a long time last time they spoke was 9 years ago. He was an alcoholic and then a criminal etc. He called on Monday to wish her a happy birthday. Her mom told him what was going on and how to contact her. He was very upset she has chosen this path, he really wanted to reconnect with his family.
He has been in a rehabilitaion facility for 3 years and the last year at a rehab centre. He want to get back some of what he has lost.
Family is very important to me, my wife knows that, so much she made a point of calling me and yelling at me about not letting him anywhere near the kids. I did fight back. She left the kids with me, she should know i would not put them in a harmful situation. This man never did anything to my Wife other than be non existant in her life.
So now we are fighting about letting him prove he is sober and clean and if he will be able to be a grandfather to the kids. I told her that he has a long way to go before i would let him near the kids, even my mother in law (his ex wife) says he deserves a chance. My wife told me that if i do this, she will never forgive me. so what do i do?
I told her that if she is honest with herself, if she talks to him and gives him a chance to prove he deserves to be in the families life, i will follow her lead. I did through in that it would be nice to have him over for a BBQ in the summer. So hopefully she got that this wouldnt be a quick thing and i will follow her lead on it.
So i guess i need some validation that i did the right thing in this case, i did apologize for fighting with her as well. trying to keep my anger in check, but she has no cell and when OM name show up on my phone it digs into me pretty hard.
I had a small chat with my wife this afternoon and i kept it to the kids. S8's birthday is on Monday and i invited her to the house to celebrate. I also invited her to christmas day at the house. She said she would think about it as i have made it quite clear she cant be part of the family if OM is around. I told her that i am making this offer as it is the best Christmas gift I can give to my children. The gift of there mom with them christmas day will make the day perfect in their minds. She accepted the offer.
My goal for the next 2 weeks is to avoid confrontation of any kind with her. I do not want to fight or argue so i am going to give it up. Try to remove as much stress as I can before Christmas comes. So we can enjoy our family time.
had my first conversation with my wife this morning, she was upset about something really stupid, i told her i was sorry for making her upset by my actions, i wasnt going to argue and i would tak to her later. I said goodbye and hung up.
Funny thing, she called back 5 mins. later to talk. We had a conversation, kept it simple then just said goodbye.
ok so my wifes friend who was going to pick the kids up for her visit with tonight got stuck in a really bad traffic jamb. So i drove the kids to her friends house, dropped them off and went out for coffee with a friend.
I made sure i looked good, wore her favourite cologne and i was about 35 minutes late in picking the kids back up.
She did question why i was late, and i said we lost track of time. She asked me who we was and i just said a friend and started getting the kids loaded into the car.
She walked over to me and thanked me for helping her out tonight and she just hugged me, took a long sniff and said "dam you smell good" i said thank you, good bye and drove away.
I am learning, and i will tell you she watched the car until i turned the corner.
I tell myself repeatedly throughout the day, i will not fight or argue. I will be positive. Tonight felt like a great baby step.
So i had a good weekend with my 2 youngest. My two oldest went to theirs dads, and when i dropped them off, he made a big deal about letting me know he was taking me back to court for custody of the kids.
Surprisingly i didnt get angry, i said I would see him there, i even shook his hand when i left.
I think I am slowly getting control of my anger. baby steps, and i seem to be progressing in the right direction.
That you didn't get angry was pretty impressive, not sure I could have done that.
I am going to suggest that a setback or two should not indicate that you are not heading in the correct direction. Double negatives I know, I hope you understand what I mean. Basically do not give up if you hit a couple of speedbumps.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
ok everyone, I am in need of some serious guidance on this.
My w called me today to talk about the boys father taking us to court for custody. I told her I would fight with every ounce of my being to keep my boys.
She actually said, "if I come home this problem goes away", just so everyone knows, she had sole custody between her and him. Now i have custodial care.
I didnt know how to respond to the comment she made. I just kinda said, i dont know if it would gfix the problem or not. I kept pretty quite.
She lead the conversation to how screwed up her life has become. She talked to me like I was her friend and believe me it was very hard. She talked about how her and OM just have fun, they enjoy each others company. How 4 monthas ago he said he loved her (hard not to cry at this point), no he is disappointed in her and disgusted by her actions. How he said she can stay as long as she needs to. She even told me she cant picture him not being in her life. I did get a little defensive at this point, and asked if she could picture her life without me in it. She did say no, and I let it go and continued to listen.
I listened to all this and more, it got to the point where i was shaking but I kept calm, kept my voice steady and didnt give into my anger. The entire conversation lasted 3 hours. It seems she just wants to talk to me.
This was horrible for me, it was hard to listen to all that, knowing she is my w and she isnt at home with me. I didn't knock her feelings for the OM, I did tell her that the relationship was going now where. I told her that her entire family wouldnt accept him, she cant take our kids near him, his family doesnt like her, and he wont tell her he loves her and only says she can stay as long as she needs to.
I justified her feelings for OM, but I dont think I can do this much longer. It kills me to here her talk about how hard it is to picture life without him, and how she didnt expect to have such a hard time leaving.
She knows her life is messed up, she knows her choices arent right, yet she cant seem to leave a man who just lets her crash. So I get to listen and justify.
If i dont listen, how do I get her to connect with me? This is what I have been to her for 20 years, her best friend, someone she told everything in her life to. I dont want to tell her i cant talk to her about OM, she might not talk to me at all.
So if the pros could please offer some advice here for me. I am reading DR for a second time. I am trying to keep a positive attitude, but it is getting hard. This is the third talk like this in just a little over 3 weeks.
What should I be doing, continuing with this course or just telling her, I cant talk to her about it.
