Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

[Sad_but_happy]

Feeling desperate today...

W and I had a great weekend hanging with friends. We even went to sleep holding hands last night (of course I grabbed hers) but she did not pull away.

I just feel such lonliness today. I want her to want me but it feels like she is just DOING THE BEST SHE CAN based on her feelings or lack of them at this point in her life. She IS trying...

Part of me just wants to give up and find a woman that doesn't have to TRY to love me. It just doesn't make sense. I'm a good father, and a good provider and very affactionate. I've made mistakes but who among us hasn't? I've been taught that you don't stay with someone if they don't want you... Just not a good day today...

Here is what is hurting me sooooo bad today...

About 6 weeks ago my wife made reference to the fact that she IS affactionate and she IS touchy and she IS flirty. These are all things that she has not been in our marriage. Things that I have wanted and asked of her. The reason she says that she IS all these things is bacuase she was able to to give in her EA with OM.

Now I'm not dumb. The excitment of new love and a two month EA makes it easy to feel all these new feelings and give more of yourself. We have been together for 21 years so that "new" feeling is hard to feel.

99% of us in long committed relationships enjoy ML with our S and then fall asleep soon after. But that same 99% (me included) could pull an all nighter with a "new" lover and ML 3-4 times. It's ironic but true.

So how do I combat these feelings of anger, resentment, hurt and lonliness?

[Harrier]

S_b_h,

I feel you man. I am in close to the same boat. Except that we aren't sleeping in the same bed and we are just working on building our friendship back, then going to more.

Luckily, my wife is 100% committed to working on our marriage and divorce talk has been thrown out the window. (I do understand its temptation though.)

I find that is it hard to deal with the anger, resentment, loneliness, etc. Especially when I think the OM got to see the best of my W and got to have the best interactions with her during the EA. Some days will be tough. I accept that. Somedays, it will be easier and it will get easier with time.

I know a tenant of DB is that you don't focus on the other person, but focus on yourself. You can do a lot to pep yourself up. But I also believe that it's okay to have these feelings and okay to let them out (usually to yourself).

You are not alone in how you feel and I recognize that there are a lot of people on here who would trade situations with me in a second. That perspective helps a lot.

As I told someone, it took my W and I 8 months to get to this point, it's not going to be fixed in a day, week or even month.

the best we can hope for is keep your eye on what is important to you, work on yourself and sometimes just keep breathing.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Harrier,

Like you my sitch is better then most. My wife IS with me, and though she is not overly affectionate she does not pull away. We have tons of plans together for the holidays and do lots of things day to day. So I have it better the most.


My wife has been a stay at home mom and does not have a career that can support her (never mind her lifestyle). This is a good and bad thing;

Good because it kinda forces her to stay out with me out of fear giving me time to re-kindle our M and adjust my behavior in order to get our marriage back on track.

Bad because it completely objectifies me. Do I want someone with me because I make money? Do I want to feel like my spouse is settling out of fear?


Without sounding conceeded, I am a great catch. I can find a woman that will appreciate me and I in turn will appreciate her. I CAN be happy without her (after grieving) but I choose my family and our safe comfortable life.


I just need for this pit in my stomach to go away so I can refocus on my goal.


One last thing, we see our MC this Sunday. Do we discuss MY NEEDS at all? I know that the MC will ask, and I want to say that we both have our LL and we BOTH need to nurture and fulfill those LL as best we can.

I say this because I fear that her lack of affection toward me will start to cause my lonliness to pain and my pain into anger and my anger into indifference. And indifference is worse then hate.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

We have been together for 21 years so that "new" feeling is hard to feel.

Outside of memory loss or a brain injury, that 'new' feeling is more than likely impossible to feel again.

So how do I combat these feelings of anger, resentment, hurt and lonliness?

It is far from easy, especailly when you are think about the whole in a new realtion I could go 4-7 times a night, why can't we do that?

How do you combat it?

You have to find a way that works for you, but I can offer a reason WHY you should.

Because:

She IS trying

However

Part of me just wants to give up and find a woman that doesn't have to TRY to love me.

SbH,

Man, if you learn anything from this whole experience, one of the more important things is:

Reltionships are work.

You don't work on it? They fail. You get complacent, you end up here again.

So trying? Trying is good, beats the hell out of not trying.

Harrier is right, it is ok to have bad days, vent here.

[Harrier]

Honestly, I wonder about that too sometimes. About the damage from lack of affection can cause in a marriage for a length of time. It's been a month since we started sleeping in separate rooms and it still bugs me. (I know, I know DBers it shouldn't) I'm not used to it. I want the pit in my stomach to go away, but not for the wrong reasons.

I wonder at what point will/if I just stop caring about "us" because of the lack of affection/intimacy. That thought pains me. My wife, to her credit, noted this. What keeps me from going down that road is that my wife seems to have hope that she can see us returning to a romantic, married relationship. Of course, I do but I am too eager for my own good.

But I can't do this for years and years, I have told her that. I know that I can do it for the time being because I do see little things that shows she does care. I know, I know - shouldn't focus on her. But also because I do love her dearly and I do envision a future for us.

Before we started dating she chased me around for 6 months trying to get me to go out with her. I at least owe her that and the chance to become someone she can fall in love with...if not I will have my sanity and confidence to move on. Sometimes, I think dang it, I deserve to have someone who wants to be with me and shows me.

It's funny how similar are situations are...even the fact that we are both 40.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks JTB,
I'm a little more grounded.

As humans we need to feel loved and appreciated and valued... And It's just not fair that some of us will need to wait months or years for that.

Sure, GAL is great but it does not fulfill that need/want of being close to a warm body and sharing life and love...

This process has certainly taught me that LOVE, committment, warmth and security is so much more fulfilling then finding OP just for the passion and fun of a new experiance.

I didn't always feel that way...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

: )

Fair.


I love that word.

And It's just not fair that some of us will need to wait months or years for that.

SbH,

Do you think it was fair that my wife had an affair with a friend of mine? Lied to me about it, stayed with her friend for about 4 months, kept the affair going for over a year?
I mean...I seem like a nice guy right?

Not fair?

What if I told you that for about 2 years more like 2 and a half, I ignored my wife and kids by playing video games almost every waking moment?

Fair is...

subjective.

You only need to look at a fly caught in a spiders web to realize that fair has little to do with the universe.

This choice of yours, to do this? Is less about fair and more about your character.

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier.
I believe that our WAW's ARE causing lots of damage each and every day they withhold that much needed warmth and affection. And I also believe that the clock is ticking on a dangerous mistake you or I could make. And possibly be in a position where we could succumb to the attention and affection of OW. This is a dangerous game...

If we do come out of this you and I will have a beer and toast to a happy future.

We will time it on a certain night sometime in 2011 (since meeting is impossible)...

[Sad_but_happy]

Point well taken JTB...

I can see where I was unfair to my W on many occations. Thanks for the reminder...

Now back to the difficult task of fully getting my W back..

[Harrier]

I am fully aware of the possible issue looming with regard to turning elsewhere for affection. Luckily, I take the Jesse Ventura approach. I don't put myself in a position where that could happen. I don't go out to bars, etc. If I go somewhere by myself, I keep to myself. As for work, I have contact with some women at work...most are around 25. Way too young. The only other woman here my age cheated on her husband and got a divorce. Not to appealing.

Also, I do have my kids to give me some affection (not the same as a wife I know) but my little boy hugs me every day and tells me he loves me. My other son is affectionate as well.

But it's hard looking at my wife. She is looking the best she's ever looked. I just want to hug and kiss her sometimes. But I'm working on me now.

Lastly, I recognized that I had a role in this and it would do no good to "punish" her by going elsewhere for affection. If I concentrate on me, I believe it will come back to me. If not, then I will be ready to love again.

i told my wife that if we have to have a rough 6-12 months than that's okay if it will mean the next 30 years. It's a tradeoff I'd take any day.