Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Thanks for thinking about me! It has been a busy week. S got really sick and then got a bad ear infection and just dealing with that and still having to work full time. Plus I've been feeling pretty negative about the R with H, but here's some of the highlights from the week. S's 1st school performance was on Thursday. Earlier in the week, H finds out that is the night of his work's holiday party too and is all upset about that...I was just curious which he would chose - S's performance or the holiday party, and the sad thing is, I don't know. To me, the choice is easy, but with H, who knows. It turns out that was the day S woke up with the horrible ear infection (screamed for an hour until the tylenol kicked in), so obviously he wasn't going to his school program, so H didn't have to choose. I had dinner with H's parents that night and H called after we finished, and was all upset b/c he wanted to have dinner with me. (I was feeling him out b/c I thought that meant he was inviting me to his christmas party - which is important b/c he kept out of so much of his other work life, but he tells me he wanted to meet up before the party. Blah!) On saturday, S was feeling better, so I took him to a little community sports program. It made me really sad tho b/c it ended up being about nine 2 & 3 year olds boys there, but they all had their dads there or their dad & their mom (it's a parent and me class). It just like, why is H never here for S?! We've talked about it before how H "tries", but really all he does is come over 2 or 3 times a week for an hour or few and play with him. He's never been a "dad"! He's never taken him anywhere or spent time with him outside of the safety net of his mom or I there too. Granted, I'm scared to death for him to have him away from us due to his lack of parenting skills, but still, at least it would show that he's trying. Another thing that is distubing me, is that S is happy where he's at. When he's done from whatever he's doing, he asks to go home and see grandma and grandpa. The first thing every morning, he runs in to see grandma and grandpa. I can't even imagine what that is going to do to him if I moved back with H. He's happy, he's loved, and growing into such a wonder well mannered little boy, and I'm honestly beginning to see, that he wouldn't get that kind of environment with H. H doesn't get up to see S. H doesn't help S get ready. H doesn't feed S. H doesn't discipline him. Nothing! He just plays with him when it fits in with HIS schedule.

Ok, sorry, I'm obviuosly venting here, but I'm just so frustrated with H! It's bad, but it's coming to the point where I dislike him and really don't want to see him. I didn't see him all week and that was just fine with me. Last night was the family christmas party (on H's side), so I finally saw him there, but I was kind of like, blah. H told me how pretty I looked and that he missed me, blah blah blah. To add to my frustrations tho, S was running around full of energy like little boys do, and would H watch him? No, I was the one running around (in my dress!) after this crazy boy. I took S home to go to bed finally and H asked if he could come over too. I needed to talk to him about the hawaii trip, so i said yes (my parents want to take my sis and her H and me and S to Hawaii, but they said H is not invited unless we are back together or actively working on us (ie counseling)). I didn't want to to make the strained R with my parents and H any worse (in case we do work it out) nor did I want him to "work on us" temporarily just so he could come, so I just kind of talked around it about how I know he couldn't take off that much work and how my sis was going (my sis annoys him, which I don't get that). Anyways, he protested a little, but I just said, I was going to book my tickets, and he could always book his later if anything changes.

So I don't know what to do anymore. H finally has his follow up appt with the dr on the 22nd, and luckily he seemed to have gotten thru the "down stage", I'm still not seeing anything but a very selffish H and I don't think any drugs in the world can change that! Sorry, I know I'm being negative, but I'm just frustrated!