I am backed off and have been. I listen and validate. She is not staying at home tonight as she was leaving I reminded her kindly that If she needs me she knows my number. I complimented her on her attire. Lastly I said you may not want to hear this right now but I still Love you.
In your eyes you feel that you've backed off, but to her you are still pressuring. Giving her compliments on how she looks...as she is choosing to walk out the door instead of taking care of her 5 children, does not seem very attractive or appropriate, IMHO.
When you remind her "kindly" that you will be there if she needs anything......is opposite of what you need to do with a WAW. It shows neediness on your part, and it puts pressure on her. And no, she doesn't want to hear you tell her you love her! Stop doing that. If you really knew how it affected her....trust me, you would stop immediately.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe I am mixing courses of action I was advised to do love kindlers so she will not want to return to OM. Who btw has been contacting her at least once a day for the past 3. I feel like I should expose the A at this point. She already has D papers she just has to file. She very clearly stated saturday after being upset by A letter from Om spouse that she wants a D she has an offer on a house. So am I suppossed to kindle expose or make her miss home. She left sat pm put herself up and spent 7 minutes on the phone between 4 people didn't call kids when driving to work I don't think she's missing anybody. I think she has her mind made up. In my experiments I am getting a better response to my kind actions than to my cold inattentive ones.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I get all the principles and applying them I do need reminding but when her behavior keeps fluctuating and she is so bottled up that she doesn't want to talk and there is no solid evidence if the A is still going on the A that suppossedly ended in june but the d day made them talk more to each other. Now she just can't handle all the stuff that comes with that and unless she is emailing from her phone he is txting first and he said no more contact. I am being told to expose the A but if it is over then that is just as bad as the A. So what do I do. Get through xmas and let her go. Tell her stop having contact or go? She wants to go it feels like a no win situation.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
OK, what a fun Saturday, The OM Spouse found my W's email and sent her a letter addressing the A and no contact. Sent via email so she got it right away on her phone. I believe the content was on par with Marriage Builders No contact letter. She cc'd me. My w's reaction when she got home. w: can we talk me: do we need to w: yes me: ok W: I am done i want a divorce you are dealing with me I am hearing stories and dealing with OM, now OM Spouse and i cant take it I am going to have a break down. I am done I don't want to talk. I don't want to see anyone. I will get through xmass and I am done. me: calmly reminded her i still love her the kids do we want her in the house. On the stories I said what are you hearing stories about me I have been faithful to you all theses years and commited i love you and still do. Will you do one thing before you file just give it some time for our heads to settle. W: soft spoken ok fine. a little more talk she says she cannot stay here tonight. She is a wreck. Says she is going to find somplace to stay where nobody will know where she is. So she left here and OM Spouse tells me she emailed him to ask if he got in trouble. OM spouse got the email responded to her via text asking her to stop and wanted her to know that OM told OM Spouse about the email and phone call and that OM spous says she has had enough. We are rediscussing OM doing a NC letter I mentioned restraining order. And we both agree that his response to that will tell us where we stand. OM Spouse knows she cannot force him.
Sunday 7 minutes of phone contact for whole family 4 OM text.
Monday some conversation not much just reminded her i would work things out as another succesful affair survivor suggested.
After the several texts this weekend today a phone call as well. Well roller coaster, saw online that W and OM talked for about 40 min. My filters turned off I went right up and confronted her we r both home. She said I can be happy, her starting to cry that OM never wants to speak to her again so on and so forth. But her feelings were real she wont let anyone take that from her. she brought up the marriage stuff again that bothered her. Did not mention divorce or the house she wants to buy but she's mentioned that before and doesn't like to repeat. She doesn't understand how I think things could be fixed or better. All the negatives. She feels she has completly lost her soulmate and that me and the OM spouse are going to gloat over this as a victory and having won control. She says at least I have won half the battle meaning she is still leaving and I let her know I still believe in recovery. And that's the short version. Now What
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Leave her alone. She's struggling to maintain "control". You have to let the OM high die down. Bump up your life and have fun. She's going to start trying to push your buttons to get a reaction from you. Don't give in to it no matter how hard.
If she starts going crazy on you, stop her immediately by telling her that you don't appreciate being talked to in that manner and walk away. YOU maintain the control.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I was advised to do love kindlers so she will not want to return to OM.
Not familiar with that term. Did that come from the DB board?
The more M programs you check and message boards you're on...the more variety of advice you'll receive. There was a popular movie & book that came out that people were smitten with its techniques. However, it was so pursuing that it made DBing look like tough love!
My suggestion is to find the programs, board, book, or counselor that you feel is speaking your language and you can see yourself doing what it teaches. One thing for sure....you can't do all of them b/c they do not agree with each other.
I strongly advise you not to do anything as drastic as exposing, if you aren't sure who's advice to take.
What is your goal? What have you done thus far that showed positive results?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How would I step off? Seperation? She has D papers I am just wondering when she is going to file. I was gonna ride til she filed ond moved out. I figured that was the all around best chance with her in the house.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Love kindlers from marriage builder a Dr hartley. To start to reignite the love fill the gap the wayward sought to fill from OM/OW.
It seems nothing has had true posotive results because she still moves closer to leaving
My goal has been to save m.
Best pos I gues maybe was validating and not arguing her decisions to plan to move out it took the wind out of her sails when I said ok go if u need to.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
