Lying and Cheating

[Iwondertooo]

Honey, these OW are a piece of work and definitely living in their own reality as is T. The stories they tell the ow are beyond anything we could imagine, and it's because they make them up to justify their actions. It is not about you. Repeat after me--it's not about you. Do not communicate with her at all. They live in a reality that you do not. Never question what you had. She may have tried to take it, but he is the one who gave it away and that is what makes it so sad. Stay strong. Wonder

[luvless]

Don't fret. You know the truth right? I can imagine what mine is telling his whorefriend - that I forced him into marriage when we were so young. The truth is he wouldn't leave me alone and kept saying I was going to be his wife.

These affair people "are a piece of work" we can't think like them because we aren't crazy!

[Albuquerque]

Always remember that the OW is a symptom of the MLC. Your H is very broken right now. The reason so few OW relationships last is because in order for a broken person to be in a relationship, it has to be with another "broken" person. Do not respond. Ignore her rants (as hard as it is) because they mean nothing. You know the truth. Don't get sucked into their alternate reality.

[midlifewife]

I do know the truth, he has always been the pursuer in our R, he drove me nuts almost suffocating me with his affections. I hate that he thinks that right now, even if it is mlc, I would love to wake up from this nightmare.
He has filed for D, I dont have papers yet but I know they are out there. If we go through this process and get divorced, am I silly for continuing to hope for us. I feel like that is the end but I am not done. I asked him for more time, I have given him this year to decide what he wants and would like some time to adjust to his decision before we finalize it. He said no, he wants to just move on. I dont, I dont want to fight about kids or money or any of it. I can tell you I have done it all wrong this year, no matter how much I read about leaving him alone and not begging, pleading and convincing, not accusing or questioning, I did it all and he has had enough so he filed. I cant undo it now and can only try to give space now and hope it will not be too late. We have a 90 day waiting period in my state. I am just afraid he is too damn stubborn to admit he is wrong even if he does figure it out between now and then.

[midlifewife]

At work, how do you concentrate on work with all going on, I cant seem to do it, I have a very boring repetitive job and my mind is obsessing about the mess that has become my life.

[midlifewife]

I am getting a divorce, I do not believe in divorce and yet I dont seem to have a choice. He told me today again, to get over it, he wants to move on. why cant I accept this, why would I ever allow anyone to treat me so poorly and pray they come home to me. do you ever wonder where your self respect went. then again, if I was hateful like him I would not be able to respect myself either. I am at a loss. I can say the person he is now is not someone I want to be married to but I cant let go of the T who was my husband. He says he is taking control of his life for once and I cant control it anymore. Dont know what hes talking about. He will get his divorce as we are no fault and he will marry OW as she is a controlling calculating witch who has this all mapped out perfectly and I will have to see them at sporting events and around town, hear about her from my kids and live in some alternate universe that up until she came into our lives did not exist. We both believed in marriage and would never ever have considered divorce. How does someone just change like this. I need to quit focusing on how to save my marriage and focus on how to survive divorce, I word that I never thought I would ever use. I have no idea how to do this.

[hope for zen]

Hey MLW. (((hugs)))

This is hard, I know. What you are going through is VERY difficult. The hurt may seem unbearable now, but you will survive this. You have to focus on yourself and your children now.

I haven't read too far back into your sitch, so please forgive me if I tell you something you already know;


The best thing you can do right now is talk to a lawyer and get a good counseler for yourself. Detach from your H. Don't discuss anything but finances, legal stuff, and kids. This is not to get him to miss you. Right now your priority is to get space to protect yourself emotionally.

It really does get better. Unfortunately it takes time and work though.

(((hugs)))

[Augtan]

MLW,

It is amazing how much you sound like me!! I can totally relate to how you feel! The whole "how could I ever let someone treat me so poorly and want them to come home" is a huge issue for me still. When I go over all my XH has done to me in the last three years, I too think..how could I ever want someone who could do this back?? And I think the answer is that you know deep inside they are not this person they are now, that they have been taken over by the MLC alien and until that alien is gone this is who they are and that alien might never leave and to accept that is near impossible.

My XH was always the one who pursued me too, and wanted constant affection from me, I am sure he told the OW the same things that yours told his, and it is just plain wrong and nuts. My D17, then 16, called the OW a whore to her face too, I was not there, but it was a huge mess that he caused, cause they had told him they wanted nothing to do with her and they never did have anything to do with her, but that is a very long story. The things my XH did to my kids is beyond awful and they have huge issues with him to this day because of it! I keep trying to be the one who facilitates the relationship, but just today told him I was done doing that. He is coming up to my house for Christmas and I am sure we will have a lovely time, cause when he is here with us, he is out of the tunnel. You don't have to give up just cause you are divorced, I haven't and we have been divorced for 19 months, OW has only been gone for 11 of those months, and there has been another horrible woman in between, but for some reason I keep holding on, but it is easier for me cause he is 700 miles away. It should get interesting soon, cause D17 is coming back to live with me and there will be no need for constant contact as we have had due to issues with D17.

Everything everyone says about the OW on here is true, as hard as it is to allow someone to think things that are sooo false, there is nothing you can do about that, they live in a fantasyworld all their own.

Hang in there, it does get better and easier! Just don't back down on things that really matter to you and the kids in the divorce, stay strong when it comes to that!!

A

[midlifewife]

The hurt is unbearable and I have got to get my sh*t together for these kids. He has been my priority for too long.

Augtan, I will have to read through your sitch, they do seem similar, it is actually scary how so many are.

I was doing much better til I spoke to him on the phone as our d6 was sent to the principals office today twice, excuse I know, anyway he was not hateful but not nice either and at work. after I hung up i received a text saying I like that u are waiting for me... I am going to puke, he apparently has his women mixed up. It is one thing to imagine it but to receive a suggestive text intended for another woman that you would have gotten in the past is so so hurtful and disgusting and wow, I cant even tell you how awful I feel.
I called him and he denies sending a text, he was driving a stick shift so his phone must have sent one of those quick text things or something, I am paranoid. still lying.

[seeking answers]

MLW -

First rule to keep in mind at all times. Believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do.

I know this is easier said than done but detaching from his drama will make you feel so much better.

If there are things that the kids do that you can handle yourself, do it. Whether you want it to or not the guilt that the MLCer feels because of the kids drives them further away.

You have a choice in this MLW and that is to take back your power. You do not have to let what your H is doing rule how you feel. Your H is on a journey. One that you can't help him with. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. Use this time to take one of your own. Figure out who MLW is and what she wants for herself.

Continue to be the rock for your kids. Having one sane parent in this to go to is vital. It is so important for them and something they'll never forget.

Your son, if you haven't already, may be able to understand about what his Dad is going through. It's not an excuse for his Dad's behavior, but it is an explanation. It has helped my children not to take their Dad's actions personally. I do stay out of the R between my kids and their Dad, but I do hear of the occasional truth dart they send his way.

I know the anger it creates in you to have everything that the two of you once shared just dumped in your lap to handle. I worked through that anger and you know what? It's turned into pride in myself that I can do it, and the majority of the time I'm doing a darn good job!

Hang it there, it does get easier.