I'll let Sinclair come to his own conclusions. When someone says to me "how do I keep doing what I'm doing and preserve my self-respect?", I understand that person accepts what they are doing is placing their self-respect under threat. You obviously disagree.
To Sinclair I would say, I too agree you have shown a lot of strength. I understand where you are at. I lived a very, very similar situation for six months. I showed a lot of strength also. While my wife saw someone else at night and returned in the morning to the house where I looked after our kids, I set coffee out for her every morning and engaged her in gentle, loving conversation. I endured what felt like daily rejection. Still I stayed strong.
Finally, after six months I just couldn't take it anymore and I insisted we tell our kids we were separating, that their mother had been sleeeping at her studio for six months and returning in the morning while I did everything I could to keep the family together and that we were going to share the house every week from here on out so they wouldn't be uprooted.
After several weeks of keeping communications to finances and the kids, my wife's affair began to fall apart. Now my wife says they're just friends and they only e-mail occasionally (for lots of reasons I won't go into, I believe this) and she's warming up to me and showing signs she wants the family back. That's all good except....
Now I realize the true cost of pushing myself to the limit when I was being 'strong' earlier. I feel damaged. It's like exerting yourself when you're full of adrenaline and when it wears off you find out you hurt yourself when you pushed through the pain threshold. Every time I see my wife now I feel a negative jolt. She recently described me as acting like 'a cornered animal' at times. I don't argue with her and validate even that but now I know that's what happens when you endure emotional abuse over an extended period of time.
I know I'll be ok because, like you, I really am strong. But I don't if I'll ever be able to forgive my wife for the hurt I endured before I detached and that more than anything else is now the biggest danger to my marriage. And to complicate things further she sometimes now acts thoughtlessly as if I can 'take anything'. Guess where she got that idea....
I hope you show yourself love and care. Best wishes.
Edmond, you are very logical and have a good perspective. I think it may be that the both of them living separately gives him some play room, and he doesn't show the level of pain you talk about. There are differences. I think it could be excruciating living in your situation.
