Ok. I think I feel better after a bucket of tears. Needed to remember that I am a whole person now, not the half I was when we separated. Things happen for a reason. Either we find each other again and have a better M than ever before, or we go our separate ways and I still get to be a better partner than I ever was... which can really only lead to more happiness than I was experiencing.
Even though sometimes I have a really hard time believing it, he must be suffering to an extent as well. You don't get to do what he has done and not carry guilt. The guilt eats at you... and will definitely eat at him. He has a conscience, even if he can pretend to the rest of the world that he is 'OK with the D' (as he likes to be sure to add).
I think I now feel OK about the adjournment. I really only have to suffer an extra month if I let myself. I can choose to feel fine that I am not the one pursuing this and remind myself that HE can feel the guilt a little while longer. My real problem was in not having control... there it is, the big 'C' again... but if I remember what I can control, it gets a ton easier. I can even smile as I know I have gained the strength here. Likely, H is far, far behind in this.
Rough, rough day. At least I have a better perspective before bed.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
