Living Like Roommates

[sandi2]

Well, shoot! Hit the submit button.

I was going to tell Sad-but-happy to expect his WAW to go through extremly hard emotional times, and this will effect him a lot. Depending on her nature, she may not show the remorse that you want to see. She may not apologize for what she's done. It took me a very long time.

It's important for both you (Sad & Punchy) to work at being the man she fell in love with. What would that man have done if her found her cheating? How would he have treated her during "recovery"?

If you are living like roommates, Punchy, that means she isn't attracted to you. OM in her life prevents the attraction, but after the EA is over....will she be attracted then?

I still maintain that respect is vital to a MR. Before she can love you, she has to respect you.

Hope I don't sound like I'm talking in circles.

[punchy]

Wife stated that she had feelings for the OM. That he was providing her with the emotional connection that she wasn't getting from me. She denied any PA but offered up the EA without much resistance. She has also not stated whether she has ended it or not. I am guessing not.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Sandi, and yes I am hurt... But I too have done hurtful things so I can forgive. For me, if she continued the A we are done. But that's just me.

Sandi, you are right that she does not feel guilt right now and has never said sorry. That DID hurt me at first and make me very angry. But I also see that in her mind, during the A she thought I did not love her and over the years I admit that I did disconnect since my needs were not being met. So though I TAKE NO BLAME for HER actions, I can see from a human standpoint the mistake one can make when feeling alone and desperate.

In the last 3 months we have gone from anger and hurt and fighting to no fighting at all to doing nice things for each other. And last night when I went to spoon her she backed into me like she had in the past. It felt nice... She does not move away at all. And we now sit close together on the caair and in bed. Also, when I went to grap her hand last night she did not pull away. In fact she grabbed mine back..

I am still the one to initiate the physical contact but she does not pull away and seems to like it... Baby steps... Don't rush... I sooo want to kiss her in a place other then her head but I don't want to rush. This appears to be a good pace for W.

I still feel that setting the NO OTHER MEN boundary is the right one for me regardless of if she leaves. And SHE KNOWS due to my harsh stance that her going back to OM will risk everything she has. She got her ONE CHANCE with OM. There are NO second chances, at least thats my stance... And as I've said 1000 times, I get to keep my dignity and self-respect which in all honesty is worth more to me then ALMOST anything else...

Sitting and waiting for my Patriots to beat the Bears today! Fire going, W making hot coco with Cream De Minth, W making her famous nachos in a few hours (she makes the best), kids playing and snow and cold outside. Is there anything better? Really, who would want to be single?

Life is good and getting better.

[punchy]

SBH, glad to hear that you are making progress with rebuilding your relationship. You are in a position that most of us would be thrilled to be in.

Regarding my situation, spoke to my WAW the other day and she advised that she is not talking to the OM while she decides what she is going to do. Not sure whether to believe her or not, but didn't want to push the issue. She is in the process of deciding whether to stay and work on the marriage or leave. Not sure how long this process will take, but I am guessing that she won't annouce anything until after the holidays. This is fine with me, as I wasn't going to issue the boundary notice till then anyway. A question I have is how much time and space should I give her to do this?

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I am not sure she realizes that if she decides to go, that she will have to leave the house and the kids behind. There is no way that I am going to have my kids living in a house headed up by two people who think it is ok to have an affair.

At this point I think it comes down to whether she will pick her needs over the needs of our children. In the meantime I am preparing for the worse and starting to get prepared for a new lease on life. Went to counselling yesterday to try and get my head screwed on straight. 2011 will likely be a tough year all around.

[sandi2]

There is no way that I am going to have my kids living in a house headed up by two people who think it is ok to have an affair.

Understood, but may I suggest that you be very careful about verbalizing this to her. No matter what your moral standards may be....the law will allow her part custody in most states (from what I've read). Doesn't seem right,does it....but I read right here on the board where it happens. She is their mother and as much as you want to control who she introduces into their lives....that isn't always possible.

So,blow off steam to us,Punchy.....just be careful what you say to her. I remember all too well how I would resent my H's threats and would silently vow to show him that he had no control over me.

((hugs))

[Sad_but_happy]

Punchy, that gives you time to really detach and show her the man you can be. Believe it or not, 3-4 weeks can mean a lot.

If she sees that you are moving on, it will do wonders.

Upbeat and happy at all times. Not over the top happy but happy.

Picture this:
You are alone in an apartment watching your favorit football team lose to the Patriots (can you tell who my favorit team is). You are enjoying a few beers. At half time your beautiful new girl friend comes over with a pizza for the two of you to share. She walks in dressed to the nines, high heels, unreal body with a sex appeal that doesn't quit. She greets you with a big hug and kiss, sits on your lap and REALLY WANTS to be with YOU. Its easy, fun, and relaxing...

Now I know that's not what you want, but if you ACT like that's your life, like you are happy to be alive, and you will be fine no matter what happens, she WILL notice...

It's not easy but it IS necessary. That was my thought each and every day. And you know what? If my wife leaves those thigs WILL happen and life WILL go on and life WILL be great!

And your WAW WILL have regrets. And YOU won't cause you know that you did everything possible to save your family!

Go get 'em Punchy!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25... You make many good points...

BUT nowhere in your post do YOU take ANY responsibility in the failing of your marriage. It takes TWO people to make it work and TWO people to make it fail.

Sad, Did you really read my post? Of course I take responsibility for my actions, b/c I WENT TO A PRIEST AND A SHRINK and stopped myself! And didn't you read where I said "at the time this is how I felt"?

Honest to God I think you missed 90% of my point in writing that long post....
Good grief. I'm trying to help Punch see how his wife FEELS NOW, not that she's right to feel that way! And that she feels justified. Not that she IS, but that she feels she is...geez..the rest of your post is you keeping score in your marriage. OMG it's so detailed and angry and SO misses the point of DBing...OMG...

Please, lose the score card IF you want to remain married and be happy. Period. We don't measure things the same way first of all, so it's useless. You'll recall events she has no recall of or that she experienced from a totally different viewpoint. I heard a woman say at Retrovialle that the drive up was beautiful and scenic and she felt relaxed. Her husband said he was tense the whole way and that traffic was terrible. They were in the same car. So, is the wife "wrong"? Look, Sad, it sounds to me like you feel "right" and that's what counts the most to you. Not being moral, but being declared "right" and therefore NOT having to change much. Your priority is Not being happy or making your family happy, but "winning", and that's NOT going to get you happiness or even the vindication you so seek. It just won't. This, I know.

I understand how one justifies their actions if they are not getting what they want. But as a more logical, less emotional person I also realize how childish and spoiled and selfish that position is.

To me, you sound as if you are stomping your feet writing this.

YES 25, I left my wife emotionally! Why?

Oh you had a reason! NO ONE ELSE ever had a reason for justifying what they did...geez, you really missed the point of my post. Dang.

Because for the first 15 out of our 16 year marriage my W would tell me that I don't make enough money and we don't have enough and always compared me to all her other friends husbands. She was/is rigid and not always fun... She is nicer to her friends then to her husband and children.

SOUNDS LIKE JUSTIFYING TO ME...

Never mind the fact that SHE stayed home with our children for 12 years, and we live in a VERY large home, and we own rental property and a winter home in FL, and have money in the bank and investments. Never mind the fact that she wears designer cloths and has more than 10 Coach purses at over $300 each.

SCORE CARD...

What do you think SHE did to ME emotionally? Can I go out and find the excitement of new love with OW? Can I go out and taste and touch and tease OW? Am I justified because I felt/feel emotionally disconnected?

I tell you this because WE ALL play a role in the demise of a marriage. I should not have left her emotionally and SHE should not have left ME... BUT I AM HERE FIGHTING REGARDLESS!

HOW ARE YOU "FIGHTING" FOR YOUR MARRIAGE? YOU COME HERE AND SOUND OFF, AND THAT MIGHT BE FINE, IF YOU WERE ALSO CHANGING YOURSELF. BUT ARE YOU REALLY?

It is 100% YOUR FAULT for giving yourself to OM just as it is/was my W... YOU had a choice and YOU chose to lie and cheat as did my W (yes an EA IS cheating at least in my eyes).

YWow. You don't know me at all, but you take my opening up and making myself vulnerable, and choose to spit in my face with your venom. I'm surprised you didn't call me a whore. But I hoped a boor like you might learn how your w FEELS, and yet you blast away revealing your pathology and utter lack of self awareness. You are in no position to judge anything. But if this is how you speak to women like your wife, then you'll never be happily married to her, with this attitude. Period.

And You forget, conveniently, that I am in a restored marriage. Whereas, you're stuck in punitive anger and self righteousness, and the disease of needing to be "right". It's sad. I think it's emotionlly fatal, b/c needing to be "right" is an absolute obstacle to happiness. Self righteousness and anger like you have, and the score keeping, will prevent happiness.

Again, I say this not to blame

Please, of course you blame.

but to point out that we have choices and we are solely responsible for those choices. ANYONE can justify anything. That does not mean it is justified.

I am not angry though I may sound it. I am a realist and morals are morals!

You sure do sound very very angry, and self righteous and critical and judgmental. You say your wife is "not very fun" but I have to tell you that I find that ironic coming from you. Staying at home with the kids is a priviledge to me, and women ought to know that. But it's also a sacrifice for many career women. And it's hard as hell to do, and I've done both, so I know. Did you ever thank her for being a SAHM, or did you feel the real thanks should only go your way? Be honest. how much respect have you given her over the years? Oh wait, I forgot. You were "right" to not meet her needs. Your score card says so.

I fully forgive my W

Not true. Even you don't even believe that.



and will work hard on my M and do not judge her for her transgressions.

You just did judge her, along with me, and anyone else in ALL situations you equate b/c of your boundaries and black and white view.

BUT all that said, SHE CAN NOT have ANY type of relations with ANY OTHER MEN!!! That's my boundary! That's my dignity! That's my self-respect! And I WOULD NOT respect myself if I let her... And you know what? SHE would not respect me if I let her.
Her sharing an emotional experience or event b/c maybe you are unpleasant or unreachable or judgemental and critical, undermines YOUR self respect and dignity? Only if you let it..Your w is not responsible for how you feel about yourself.
And yes, for ME allowing and EA right in front of me IS THE SAME as watching my W have a PA in front of me. She is giving a piece of herself to another...

PA = Body
EA = Mind

I am not willing to share any of it... Show me even one place in DB/DR where it states that a S should put up with this type of mental abuse...

You are not presently in a reachable place. This is pointless.

Punchy... You will need to read your own sitch and act based on what you feel is right. I don't know you nor do I know your wife.

And I pray that your marriage lasts and you find yourself in white shoes retired in FL with your W by your side.

We ALL deserve that! Have a wonderful weekend...

[punchy]

Thanks for the guidance. I realize that in our State she would be able to have joint custody, but at least I would have the kids the majority of the time.

I come to this site over the last year for direction and information although I only joined back in October. The support and information I have found here has been tremendous. I will likely be a frequent visitor over the coming year.

Wife was in a really upbeat and happy mood tonight. Not what you would expect from someone who is about to dump the OM. I am going to be as positive and upbeat myself over the next 3 weeks and show her that I can move on with out her. I am not going to be down in the dumps while the world waits for her to decide what she wants to do.

Life will go on and so will I.

[punchy]

Thanks for the motivation. That is exactly what my plan is. Happy and upbeat!

I will get through this knowing that I tried everything that I could to save the marriage. She did nothing but take her concerns and share them with a co-worker instead of me and blames me for the EA.

There has to be a better life than this waiting around the corner for me. Do you happen to have the phone number of that beautiful woman!

Thanks for being there.

[dbmod]

punchy--

25years has given you some very good DB based advice. Sandi2 has given you some good advice as well--they both write their explanations very well, too. If you follow it, you have a better chance of keeping your family intact, which is a beautiful thing.

Sad and Time's advice is likely to get you divorced.

If you want to know you did EVERYTHING--keep the path to reconciliation paved smoothly, as 25years said. Give it the fighting chance. It will be worth it.