Do you really think Punchy should not set that boundary or ultimatum if that's what you want to call it?
No-no, that wasn't what I meant at all. I have supported tough love since day one. I have to be careful what I say due to being monitored so closely. MWD does not support the boundary setting and has been very clear about her POV. In fact, the thread that I use to give for examples has been deleted.
So,here's the difference between an ultimatum and/or a boundary(to me). An ultimatum is more like a hard hit of forcing the WAW to chose H or OM, right this minute. It is usually done with extremely high emotions. Ultimatums do not work well on WAW's who are in EA/PA. Most will not choose the LBH b/c she's reacting in a fogged-out emotional brain. Her reaction will be rebelion.
The boundary setting is more about what you cannot live with. This may sound like splitting hairs, but I hope not. This is sort of a template:
Setting a Boundary: When you _____, I feel ______, I want __________ .
Enforcing the Boundary: if you ______ I will __________ .
Back to Punchy, did I miss where your W told you the EA had ended? Because I looked back over the thread and what I saw was you confronting her, but she denied it. Was that the way it was left? If so, then you are going to be in this place for a long time, IMO.
IMHO, the WAW must fear some type of loss by continuing her A, or she will not end it. DR even teaches that. Something needs to emotionally/mentally slap an awareness of what will happen as the consequences of her actions.
I do believe very strongly in CONSEQUENCES! Life teaches us "natural" consequences of bad decisions, right? She needs to know that she will not be able to disrespect her H, dishonor her family, and do an injustic to her children....without consequences.
Some men can get their focus off the WAW and GAL, do remarkable 180's, etc. Some can completly drop the rope. Others find they can't do either of those techniques and decide they will wait out the A. But the way I see this is if you are getting sick(really sick) and cannot live with this in your house, then you need to have a plan of action. Bear in mind, if you act on your plan then you must be ready to accept a not-so-good outcome. Threats do not work.
Confronting the WAW in an EA, usually will not stop her. She may tell you the A has ended, but I don't think I remember ever reading where that was all it took for the W to stop contacting OM. She will, however, go deeper underground or she will try to end the contact....only to resume later. So even if she calls you "controlling"....you really can't control what she does.
Sad-but-happy, I can see a lot of pain in your posts....and rightly so. Speaking from the WAW P
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
