Don't mind read, its probably not about you. My experience here is that they think about themselves all the time .... they become selfish beings and think about their misery, about how unfair life is to them, how to justify what they are doing, etc. etc. The desire for meaningful convo with their spouse no longer exists because they are not keen on working on their M. I know that hurts, but that was what is happening to me.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
O goody. I was worried she might be plotting to hand me the D papers on Chrsitmas day.
Just kidding.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Hah. Maybe that will be the best x-mas gift. Just kidding too.
I just had my "talk" this morning. here I am bawling again. Posted in my thread.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks, I read a lot of that thread. Similar sitch: young kids at home to think about. OM makes WAW feel "special".
I gotta think about the consequences of planned trip. I will inform her that I see it as disrespect. Might just leave it at that and let her stew about it while she's gone guessing what I might do.
InAPickle, the affair and the fact that you are staying put as her "emotional sponge" is what makes her feel like she is ontop of the world.
What you are going to have to do anyhow whether you leave her or stay is to GAL.
Much of what she does around you are a consistent "disrespect". Getting cheated on messed up my erections and feeling of worth. I got it back by living my own life and not worrying about her. Over time the desire to have her back faded and I gained feeling of worth in myself. Also someone who does this to you look less attractive.
You may make and ultimatum, tell her if she continues on this path your going to have to divorce. When she does not stop ( they never do ), have her served at work.
Alright, I'm going to lay this out so some of you will get off my fu#@ing back.
I live in a no fault state and we've been vested in each other for over ten years. That pretty much means, she gets the home, custody and half my money and I get to live in my car, okay?
She wants to do the D ASAP, and I have to stall until such time as this infatuation with freedom and OM fizzle out. I want to live with and take care of my kids, I don't want freakin' visitation, okay!
Right now she's a conflicted, guilty feeling, stubborn, vindictive and confused person trying to justify her plans. My goal is to not only throw a wrench into those plans, but to show her things can be better in the M than she expects. For that I need time. In that frame, she'll either come around or decide not to.
This has nothing to do with my personal ego, self respect, cake eating, boundaries or any of that other crap. I'm trying to re-establish a connection here, capiche? Gimne a fu#@ing break!
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I gave my H the ultimatum. I think this is what is called "after the LRT". e wanted to see OW after they already had decided not to have any contact. He also wanted us to do a trial S,where he was going to live in our other house 3 days a week, live here at home 4 days a week, and have his "freedom" on days where he was not here. I put my foot down. Enough of being a doormat. I said either we spearate completely or start working on the marriage. No more OW. No trial separations. Decide in one minute.
He backed off!
Now he is angry but I feel empowered. The ball is back in my court.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Alright, I'm going to lay this out so some of you will get off my fu#@ing back.
I live in a no fault state and we've been vested in each other for over ten years. That pretty much means, she gets the home, custody and half my money and I get to live in my car, okay?
She wants to do the D ASAP, and I have to stall until such time as this infatuation with freedom and OM fizzle out. I want to live with and take care of my kids, I don't want freakin' visitation, okay!
Right now she's a conflicted, guilty feeling, stubborn, vindictive and confused person trying to justify her plans. My goal is to not only throw a wrench into those plans, but to show her things can be better in the M than she expects. For that I need time. In that frame, she'll either come around or decide not to.
This has nothing to do with my personal ego, self respect, cake eating, boundaries or any of that other crap. I'm trying to re-establish a connection here, capiche? Gimne a fu#@ing break!
You sound like your brains are intact and you still have a lot of fight left in you.
Well you can always spend some time and figure out how you are going to blow her fantasy of this affair out. Destroying the affair has always been productive in these situations.
One thing is for sure, is your likely not to "verbally convince" her of anythings. Actions and repurcussions however can sting enough to communicate effectively.
I will put out another tidbit. Its funny how some things in the Universe work. Everytime a female would come sniffing around or showing interest in me, the Wayward Wife would subcounciously try to reel me in, doing things she hadn't done in years to try to do it.
You also have to GAL anyway. If you have been neglecting your own needs due to the affair, start doing things for yourself again. Plan days for yourself where you are getting things done and also having an interesting life.
Good luck on it, you have good motive, you still have your brains intact and alot of fight left in you.
Pickle- I understand how frustrated you are. You (like me) just want to do what is going to work. You do not want a divorce and you want your wife back. Some people say that drawing a hard line will work, putting your foot down, not tolerating the affair. It might, it might not. Others say to try to reestablish a connection. Work on being friends, validate what she is saying. Again it might work, it might not. From doing lots of reading on this board I have seen instances of both approaches working and failing. That is the problem, there is no fool proof solution and that is so frustrating!! I think that you are right to do what you feel most comfortable with. What will actions will cause you to be able to accept that you did everything that you could if it doesn't work and the marriage fails. This is just my opinion, but I do think that you can set firm boundaries without filing for a divorce. I think it is Dr. Phil that says many people start to make the changes that can actually save a marriage after the divorce is filed, because they start focusing on themselves and the changes that they need to make. He believes that if more people would do this before the divorce there would be less divorces. So I think trying to stall the divorce can be helpful, as long as you are making the changes that need to be made while you are stalling it. Hang in there. This is so hard, especially when there are kids involved.
