MLC or just an EA?

[BeingMe]

My opinion, but I think it's more difficult for them to return once they leave the marital home. Just from the overall impression I get from the bb (this is not a scientific poll or anything). It seems once the WAS leaves, especially if they're in MLC, it's harder for them to come back. Not sure why. Maybe one should do a poll or something. I guess it's more difficult to DB when they're absent.

Take care.

[angel61]

NEED HELP!!!!

He sent me an email saying he wanted to talk to OW again to settle things. I had thought he already did, but I guess he still is hoping.

I sent him an email: What for? He is already hurt enough as it is.

I feel its finally time to set boundaries. I don't know if I could , but I want to tell him that if he steps out of the house, thats it. We are done. The premise is: if OW told him she wanted him, would he go with her and leave us? If not, then he comes back to us? I don't want that to be his decision pount. he has to decide by himself if he wants our family or not.

Is this the right thing to do? Its only been 6 months, I am torn between having patience, giving it a year for our daughters sake. But I am also so tired of the up and downs. Also, I now feel I am strong enough to stand on my own.

[BeingMe]

Is this six months since OW rejected him? You know, if he keeps going back to her and "ending" it, she may think he was stalking her and using his position and the help he gave her as a way to harrass her. She may feel obligated to him, rather than interested, even as a friend. You could point that out. Do you think he's becoming obsessive about her because she dumped him?

I do think it's time for boundaries. I was told that I should not take H back because of the children ... they will know (kids just seem to figure out these things) and feel guilty if it still doesn't work out. It must be because you want him or he wants you or in a perfect world, you want each other.

I feel its finally time to set boundaries. I don't know if I could , but I want to tell him that if he steps out of the house, thats it. We are done. The premise is: if OW told him she wanted him, would he go with her and leave us? If not, then he comes back to us? I don't want that to be his decision pount. he has to decide by himself if he wants our family or not.

I agree, but you have to mean it. If he leaves, you must not take him back, for at least 6 months. He has to earn his way back into the home. He keeps on with wanting to "finish", but it never ends. You could say, "listen H, D11 and I want you to decide now what you want. If you are still undecided about wanting us, then I think it's time for us to move on without you. We still love you, but this has gone on too long, and we need to get on with our lives. But, if you choose us, then I never want to hear about OW ever again. We will have to work on our M for real, do the steps we need to take as a family and as a couple that will bring about our happiness." Or words to that effect.

If D11 wasn't there, what would you do? I know what I would do, but that ship sailed and it's too late for me.

Have a good weekend.

[angel61]

No, its been 6 months only since this all started. He stopped talking to OW last Nov. 26, and I think he is right now in the midst of the realization that she is slowly sinking out of sight and suddenly is desperate.
I did have the feeling that OW is distancing partly because he has become obsessive, I actually used the word "stalking" once and he really blew up on me! I once saw an email from OW profusely thanking him about all the help he GAVE, and being a woman, I read between the lines that she was saying "enough!" When he realized she wasn't interested he tried to convince her to be a friend and at first she acquiesced but later on maybe found him to demanding. I guess since my H has MLC and his ego needs to be stroked it is so hurting for him to be dumped.

I will see what happens when I go home. If he insists on visiting OW, then maybe, just maybe, I will get the strength to say those words. I like the part about "we still love you".

[angel61]

I did it!
Today he brought up trisl S where he stays 3 days a week in other house, has freedom to do whatever when he is not here, and is home 4 days.
I put my foor down. I said, I want us to fully separate, if thats the case. I used Being Me's words: I love you, but doing that is like asking me to put my life on hold. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. What you want is having your cake and eating it, assuaging your guilt. I will have none of that.
He backed off, asked me what I wanted.
I said I want us to stay together and try to save our marriage. I said I wanted us to look into D11's eyes at the end and say we honestly tried, and if it still won't work, then we part ways.I wanted us to try to live together as friends for now, no expectations, but to keep that door open. I don't want us to do "trials' or whatever, close the door slowly. We decide to close it later, thats it. Period.

I feel empowered!

[BeingMe]

Bravo, Angel! I was clapping as I was reading. Wow, I can feel the power radiating from your post. I liked the part where you said that you would like both of you to look into D11's eyes and be able to tell her that you honestly tried everything. Also, not "trials". I don't believe in that either. Living separately is leaving slowly. I'm the "rip the bandaid off" type of gal, myself.

Living like that where you have 3/4 days where you can whatever you want.

Gosh! He sure backed off, 'eh! Good for you.

[angel61]

Thank you!

Another thing....I talked to OW, and everything you and I suspected was correct. She was really the one who backed off, even from the friendship. She told him that he had to work on his marriage, not project his feelings on to her. She was very uncomfortable maintaining the communication with him and so gradually stopped talking to him (phone) and refused to see him. She agreed not to let him know we were talking.

So apparently H is living in a fantasy world where he thinks that he can still continue pursuing OW and she would change her mind. But she said she won't talk to him until his marraige is working fine.

[angel61]

After the LRT:

Now what?

I asked for a couple of years at least to try to work on our marriage. I said counseling, a marriage program together (thinking of retrouvaille). I said best for D11, finances for us to live together. He can fo whatever except have anothe woman, either emotionally or physically. That will signal the end of our relationship.

I said if he needed space, alone time , etc. I will understand.

He tried to ask me for a couple of times where he can see OW to reassure her of his friendship, I said no, that was not acceptable as that was a nurturing of his emotional attachment to her.

He accepted what I said, but in an angry manner. I know he probably feels angry and manipulated.

What do I do now?

[BeingMe]

Not sure you can do anything else. Just go about your life in a positive manner, and be a good example to your daughter. Give him his space within the home, but make it clear you are not going to wait forever.

He's not manipulated, of course ... he still has choices. Move out or lose family. Pursue OW (and possibly have a harassment charge against him) or lose family. You were up front with him, so he has to make his own choice. The alternative = work on marriage and save family. You were right in calling him a cake eater. He seems to want it all, but now comes the test of his true character (although, MLCers aren't truly themselves so it's difficult to know what he will do).

I think it was Dr Phil who said that "the greatest gift you can give your children (as a man and father) is to love their mother." When the mother of your children is happy, and the children are happy, and you have a family intact, secure and emotionally safe ... that's a successful man, whether rich or poor. Those, such as my H, who see themselves only successful through their career, fail as a man. They lose their leadership of the family, and that is when things start to go wrong.

A good book for men to read: Winners Never Cheat: Even in Difficult Times, by Jon M. Huntsman. He is an inspiring man, for whose example men can follow.

Your H is probably angry because he knows he can't step up to the plate now. You might want to point out to him that OW is free and he is not. If he really cared about her, he should let her go. Why should she become embroiled in his wreck of a life? What gives him the right to force his attention (albeit benign and for the sake of "friendship") on her? She is trying to do the right thing. She probably feels beholden to him, and he is using that to manipulate her ... rather ironic, no?! That he is willing to manipulate someone else, but doesn't like it done to him, even the hint of it. MLC is a b*tch.

[angel61]

Thank you. I appreciate your good advice. Again, it boild down to patience. Its like starting DB all over again. maybe tis time I can implement the 7 steps better, not just going straight to LRT after goal setting.

H is still angry, but he does talk to me, more about logistical stuff. No hint of softness at all. Some friendliness at times when he relaxes, but otherwise, aloof.

We went shopping, he splurged on a couple of sweaters, even after saying we have no money (really!) Of course I did not buy a thing. He however brought us to lunch at a place he knows I would like.

I don't know if I should act lovingly to him at this point, or be aloof as well, or is it OK to call? Should I still stay away from pursuing? I am guessing yes, as I am not yet sure of his committment.