Thanks for your input. It's always appreciated! ........and thank you for your encouragement to continue with the flirty stuff. It REALLY helps to have that encouragement. Mila reported just yesterday that she saw her H checking her out several times when he visited........and glamgirl and you both said that physical attraction and flirting was the first step in your reconciliations. .....I have always been a straightforward girl. I never learned how to be flirty and subtle. In my 20s, if I wanted to go out dancing with a fella, I would just ask him. .........so I am trying to learn how to flirt now.
With H/XH, he showered me with attention --- his interest was clear --- but when it came to the first kiss and the first "advanced TT lesson", I took the lead.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Men like you to be a bit of a mother figure but not all the time, you have to be a multi charactered girlie! Naughty, Flirty, Practical, Soothing and Caring....
I think you are right about this ^^^^^^^^^.
Regarding whether or not to respond to BMF, I think I am going to ask XH at TT on Wednesday why he thinks BMF has been contacting me. I'm trying to figure out how to respond to XH's reply (if at all). I have been reading my flirting book in preparation......
In an attempt to sort out my thoughts about whether or not I should reply to BMF I've been googling for info about what to do when a spouse's friend interferes in a M. I found some info on toxic friendships and this post below was thought-provoking for me. I wanted to share it (blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/09/what-do-i-do-about-a-toxic-fri.html).
Originally Posted By: Beliefnet
"......A few months back I let go of an important friendship in my life because I realized that our bond was rooted in my woundedness. That is, my intense connection with her wasn't about intimacy or respect or fellowship as much as it was an opportunity for me to enact the role of the wounded child............
In this unhealthy friendship of mine, I began to recognize the childhood crap all over again ... wanting so badly my friend's attention ... because I couldn't be whole or complete without it. By pursuing her and practically forcing her to take notice of me, I was trying to heal the wounded child in me that feels so rejected. My "acts of kindness" weren't, in fact, so generous. They were done in manipulation, to provoke a response. And when I didn't receive the right response, I walked away angry, hurt, and bitter.
That's not an unconditional friendship. That's manipulation. That's a girl very much wanting to heal the wounds of her childhood."
Although the author was talking about a same sex friendship, I think what she described was what my H was trying to do in our previous R and M. When I didn't reciprocate in the specific way that he needed, he was angry, hurt, and walked away. Cyrena posted earlier this week on another thread about how the WAS feels like a victim even though they leave a path of destruction in their wake. The post above described that victim mentality from the WAS's perspective.
The author of that post went on to say......
Originally Posted By: Beliefnet
Maybe one day I will be able to be friends with this person. If our friendship can be life-giving, not life-draining. But lots of healing needs to happen before that is possible, before I know myself as fully loved, as spiritual author Henri Nouwen explains:
When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love."
