Walk Away Husband Came over

[AntoniaB]

Hopelss29 I didn't get a chance to read your backstory--is there another woman? Well whether there is or isn't I think you still proceed the same. I'll just give you my perspective/opinion on the questions:

1. I don't think detachment is forgetting about GOOD memories, but it is to me more about releasing the bad memories and their grip on you. Case in point, different times I am triggered by something to start thinking about my H and the OW and the deception or lies or cruelty, and I feel myself going into depression/anger, and I usually try to find something to distract myself--work, reading, tv, movie, talking to friends, anything to stop that process from snowballing. To me, that's me trying to detach, to let those memories stop taking over in the present. It's also about finding out that you don't need him to be happy--to stop trying to rely on whatever HE does or does not do to control who you are and your peace (maybe peace is a better word than happiness here) in the present. You have the power to choose to be stuck and keep ruminating or to try to move forward just one step. Ruminating is awful. It gets you nowhere. It just increases self-blame. So I think detachment has to do with becoming your own person. If you look at detachment as "I'm going to cut him off so that then he feels the loss and he comes running back", you're detaching for the wrong reasons, if that makes sense. You detach to heal yourself.

2. I think in your case it might be too early for you to go totally dark. God this has gone on for 6 months so far for me and I still find that impossible. But I have stopped initiating all contact with my H, some time ago, and my responses when he initiates tend to be very succinct.My psychiatrist said in the next month, my goal is to start letting time go before responding at all, or even let some stuff go. If my H just wants to chat, she says ignore it. It's not helping me. And it's keeping HIM from detaching from me. He made his choice. He chose her. He needs to live with that. He can't have us both.

I don't know if your H has the OW thing going on, but regardless, I think it behooves you to ask yourself, is the contact he is making with me making me feel BETTER about this situation or worse? Is it making me think about him EVEN MORE, making me analyze his actions EVEN MORE? Is it giving me false hope? Is it keeping me from detaching? If so, then start to curb that contact. If the emails are about the babies and finances, fine. But other than that, if it's just chatty stuff, you can start to not answer everything he talks about. If he asks why you're being evasive, you can say you're busy. You have a lot on your plate. If he pressures you, I suppose you can say that it's very difficult for you to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't, that you love him, but that this contact isn't good for you because you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost, because you need to hold your family together.

All I can tell you is that when my H didn't get the same level of contact from me, NOTHING HAPPENED. He never questioned why. In fact, eventually he let up on the contact.

You probably don't want this to happen, do you? Because SOME contact, even if it hurts you, is contact. I understand that. That's because you love him. But eventually you'll see it is hurting you, his cake-eating.

You're afraid here to protect yourself because you said you think the lack of communication made him leave. Your'e taking the blame. He left. Not you. Sure you play a role, but he's out the door. Find ways to release yourself from continuing blame. You must protect yourself.

If you're already saying that you think it will be too hard for him to be at the holidays, then I think it will be too hard for you. You have this thought. It must bother you, just the idea. This wound is too recent for you. I think it would be too much to bear (my opinion only). I'd offer him an alternative. Maybe others would disagree with me, but what I don't like is the duplicity, the "I'm here and it's all cool but really it's not."

If he is not contributing at all financially, and you have the kids, and you're working 2 jobs and borrowing money, then ABSOLUTELY get a SA going and signed. You MUST. This is very hard for you I'm sure. Find a friend who will go with you or wait for you at the lawyer's if you're scared. That's what I did. But this is essential.

His behavior is very scattered and minute by minute, or day by day. This is typical. My H has done the same and still is, 6 months later. He can't make a decision. One minute he's going to get his own place, the next he's saying "Oh you know me I'm a procrastinator I guess I'll stay at my friend's house another 6 months."

But you will have more peace of mind for your children and yourself if you take any opportunity possible to take control of your life--your life SEEMS out of control, but it's not as much as you think. You have the power to:

1. Get the SA going to protect yourself financially (and your kids)
2. Start to build a boundary in terms of his contact with you
3. Create some peace for yourself so that when you interact with him, you can do so from a more centered and calm place instead of in panic mode
4. Get yourself in some form of counseling

These are all steps you have total control over. You're in a terrible place but there is hope in some baby steps that you take right now.