? for the Men

[SDFoundGirl]

Just in case you are reading into my post, FB2, if I had ever been what you described, then my husband certainly should have divorced me. I didn't test him, I just noticed what happened in every situation where we had a disagreement or even where I had a preference. When I'd ask my H, "What kind of food do you want tonight? Where should we go to dinner?" he'd NEVER express a preference. He would respond with, "What do you want?" It was as if he had no opinion about anything. This extended to many major decisions we had to make as well. He was always trying to figure out what I wanted to make that his answer. NOT attractive.

On things where we disagreed, I'd just argue my point (and by argue, I do NOT mean I cursed and threw tantrums...you're ASSUMING here) and he'd give in every time, though I wanted to hear his rationale. I'd even push him to make his argument first to no avail.

By calling myself a strong woman, what I mean by that is I absolutely know I could railroad most people if I wanted to. I choose not to, but I know I could. I will argue my point of view if I think I'm right, and I won't back down just because someone else wants something else. I expect people to be able to support their own points of view as well, and I am willing to compromise or change my viewpoint based on a good argument. (By argument I do not mean yelling or screaming. I mean a conversation where people lay out their rationale for the point of view they support. Discourse.)

My H never, ever asked for what he wanted, never spoke up, and so I "got my way" all through our M. I didn't want that, but being the strong personality I was, that was the result. It wasn't a test, no more than my H waiting to see me mindread and compromise without him saying anything was a test. They were PERSONALITY traits that poorly served our M.

The bomb was the first time in 6 years of M that my H expressed a preference that I couldn't change with argumentation. He set a standard and an expectation, and the only way I could succeed was by changing my actions. This was essential to the long-term success of our M as was my H's switch to being vocal about what he wanted/needed, something we worked on in MC.

Could YOU be attracted to someone who never expressed a preference and left all the decision making up to you? (Oh, and then blamed you when the decision had consequences they didn't like. That happened too.) Could you love someone who spent their time doing things and mind reading to make YOU happy/give you what they THOUGHT you wanted at the expense of their own happiness? I couldn't.

I want someone dynamic, not someone trying to mind-read OR someone who expects ME to mind-read. I want someone who will speak up and express his opinions clearly with no thought to whether I'll agree or not. I want to support my H in his dreams as well as my own, but I can't do that if H doesn't open his mouth, even when asked repeatedly.

SD