Living Like Roommates

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not that far away from a mental breakdown, but do not want to do anything that long term would put me farther away from a possible reconnection with my wife.

I hear you punchy, I really do. I've now been m for 30 years and been thru a few storms. 20 years ago, I almost had an A, and I'm sure SBh would say I had an EA and for some reason, "that's worse"...I worked it out myself with a lot of inner searching and help from others, and H never learned of it. But here's what I learned and how I learned it and what WOULD have happened if my h had tried to punish, shame or teach a lesson, to ME at that time...

NOTE- I justified it at the time quite well. My h was immersed in his internship/residency and his hours were horrible, and relentless, with no end in sight. We had two kids then, and we both worked full time and had to move often b/c we were military (I joined b/c of his obligation). When he was home, which was rare enough, he was so tired and sleep deprived he was NOT fun to have around at all, nor was he helpful. Then, There was a war in the Gulf, and it was ME who got deployed, not h. Well, Rather than go on justifying it to you now, suffice to say, at the time, I was neglected. I felt resentful, unfairly burdened by h's choices, and lonely a lot, and over a long time. as in, YEARS. Like most women, I justified it. I did not feel I was immoral or "terribly wrong."

I think MOST WOMEN WHO HAVE AFFAIRS, (EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL), HAVE THEM B/C OF UNMET NEEDS.

SOMETIMES THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SPOUSES, SOMETIMES IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. BUT WE JUSTIFY IT! SO telling us how wrong we are and refusing to look at your role in it, isn't going to be productive at all.

As I said, I worked it out myself. I saw the chaplain and the shrink and spoke to a few close friends who knew me well and talked out "reality" of an affair. (As in "where will this REALLY lead you & IS is worth it?") Never told h, (although I did tell him about feeling resentful and neglected.)
Here's the thing...
IF H had learned of my internal struggle, and tried to shame me or humiliate me or punish me for feeling Unloved by HIM.... I would have bolted in outrage at him. He'd force me to defend my choices and to "be right" and Not a "wanton woman" so I'd have justified the whole thing and been more united with OM,
rather than exploring the pros and cons and figuring out for myself what was right.

For me, The image I could not bear to see was tears in my h's eyes or my kids' eyes, if I were to announce a divorce to them. THAT image so moved me I had to try everything BUT an affair, to make sure I was not going down the wrong track. At the time, I actually thought I was in love with OM. He was very attentive and upbeat, whereas h was AWOL and grumpy and sleep deprived, with no end in sight to his hours. At the time, I totally felt h had caused the "almost A" and that it was due to MY superior morality and conscience that I was somehow able to stay faithful. Ironic perhaps, but true. If the image in my mind were of h yelling at me or self righteously condemning me, I'd have divorced him.Before finalizing the r into an "A", I sought counselling from a chaplain and a shrink b/c this "almost A", was very out of character for me and I was very torn. I was extremely attracted to OM and interpreted this as "love". Coupled with the neglect and irritability from H, it was easy to justify at the time. Still I felt a lot of guilt.


See, I felt that h had more or less pushed me into the arms of OM!
It's crucial to realize that's how many if not most women feel in the throes of an A of any sort. And to ME, an EA was NOT the same as a PA. Adultery is condemned in religions; talking to OM is not. Just saying, your rigid application of that "rule" is not universal. And honestly I don't think you even believe it. I think if your w were to admit she slept with OM, you'd hit the roof...

This does not mean you have to tolerate a spouse who has an affair "in front of you"

(Sad, you keep using those words, she cheats "right in front of" as if your w ML in front of you. Why do you say it like that? Did that literally happen to you or punchy? Or, is it more of your inflammatory language?)

I ask that not to attack you, but to point out how the way you word things to justify your anger and to cope with it, only makes it worse.


When I say to "forgive" i do not say to "condone". I do not say "be a doormat". Nor is forgiveness something you need to tell the spouse about, though if they think you are incapable of forgiveness, there's no point in them trying to stay married.
On this thread, you are coming off as rigid, critical and judgemental as heck. I know you are hurt. But you have to ask yourself if you want be "right, or you want to be happy". It's a big question. For a long time, I wanted to be "right" and I "shopped around for others to agree with me that H was being selfish, deceitful, and that I was the victim...that got to be ALMOST more important than saving my m! How? Oh, B/c of my EGO...

I don't believe ANY WAS comes home aand stays, b/c of guilt or shame. Any shame I felt was inside me, and already haunting/guiding me-- but if h had shoved that in my face I would have immediately converted it into anger at HIM, not me. His outrage would have backfired.

The image of my h that I found moving was him with a broken heart crying and the kids crying about me leaving or breaking us up. NOT HIM YELLING AT OR CONFRONTING ME....each situation is different and each spouse's role in an EA or PA, is different.

I'm not saying I was right. But I felt right at the time. By the grace of God I somehow avoided a complete debacle. But if h had tried to punish me, when I felt HE had wronged ME, then I think I would have divorced him.
AND I would have realized that he was incapable of forgiveness so why bother tryiing to work it out? If he had acted that way and held it over my head, forget it. I'd be out of there.
Sad, going on & on about how many ways your w or punchy's w are wrong, is counter productive. It's undermining HIS efforts to move forward and try to restore his marriage.

Punch, you DO need to change your approach and we can work on that but I'm basically writing to you now, to say not to listen to the anger and pride in your heart, or other's...IF you want to restore your m.

And I offer my personal experience as an almost WAW 20 years ago, then as an LBSer 4-5 years ago and someone reunited WITH my h. At one point I gave us a 10% chance of this. Div Busting can and does work. But YOU have to actually do it.

Anyhow, it's getting late and I'm sleepy. Good luck!