The different path... Continued

[Mystik]

Had to take DS to the doctor this morning, he has another sinus infection. So I let H know that I had to meet him at the exchange point at a later time so I could get DS from my mother's, pack his bag and fill his prescription. A few hours after he got DS he called me, I answered thinking it was either DS calling or H calling about DS. I should have let it go to voice mail. H was ranting and raving that I never tell him anything about DS's doctor appointments and how can I expect him to pay me when I never let him know I took DS to the doctor, I'm supposed to clear it with him first. He said the car insurance wasn't even in our paperwork. I said that I didn't feel the need to remind him each month about it, he knew it was due and he knew I was paying it. I agreed he owed it and said he wants to see receipts of what he owes instead of me just giving him a spreadsheet of it and I told him that I put the payments he gave me that I have record of on the spreadsheet, so if he thinks he paid more he needs to prove it. He asked about a divorce and I said I was waiting for him to file, I don't want it so I'm not going to file. He said I keep changing my story about it, that I said I was going to fight it. He reminded me of his offer to let me claim DS to pay off his tab, I didn't respond. After about five minutes of listening to him spew I told him I was in the middle of a store and needed to go, he said since I avoid talking to him he would take what he could get and hung up. I am so sorry that I answered the phone, I should have let it go to voicemail then checked the message and called back if it was about DS.

Feeling upset and burdened now after taking in all his spew. I just miss him so much, it's hard to separate the H I knew from this alien I am now dealing with. I'm sure OW is pressuring him so that's why he called me all upset tonight, especially since he has DS and I hope to God that DS did not hear the conversation. I tried the DBT skills I've been learning, was hard to focus on them. Talking to him really brought my mood down but I didn't withdraw as much as I normally would have. I tried to put it out of my mind but now that I'm home and alone it's up there ruminating away.

I miss my H. I miss our marriage. I miss the emotional intimacy of sharing a life with someone. I miss the physical intimacy and the connected it formed. I miss the friendship we had.