Doing 180, but Husband still researched D

[Drew]

Phenix70,

So that's it in a nutshell, my GALing & 180 didn't work.

How do you know?

Nor did my being upbeat & positive, while not being b*tchy or silent like I normally would when we weren't getting along didn't do anything at all to help the sitch.

Again, how do you know? Sounds like you've got a full 8 months to DB. Did you think this would be fast or easy?

.
All in all I think it's done, there's nothing I can do to get him to reconsider.

You are far from done.

[Phenix70]

Drew,
My 180 & GALing didn't work because H told me that he noticed my changes but to him it didn't matter because it was too late.
As for the full 8 months, it's actually longer because than that since it's another 4 months on top of that, for almost a total of a year until we can divorce.
Part of me wants to go for the 8 months but another part just wants to say "yeah, we've been apart for that long, start the process now."
I also think H wants that too.
I'm doing my best to be strong for myself, I'm afraid if I don't stay strong I'm going to fall completely apart.
Tonight I'm going to get a margarita with my next door neighbor, I'm not much of a drinker, but somehow tequila sounds good right about now.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The 180's (changing bad behaviour) and GALing should be for you.
180's done for them? Only if your capable and like the changes and deem them something you want to do.

"too late" yeah... but you stop and you justify firmly either it was a trick or that nothing changed anyway.

The things you do that have 'good' results? You don't see those results for awhile. And only you are going to know honestly if you have been consitent with the 180's and GAling. If you aren't consistent, it can be seen as a trick.

'Bad' results from things you do? Those results you usually see pretty quick.

The decision to go another 8 months or move forward doesn't have to be made today. Not even tomorrow.

I'd suggest that while you 'think' he wants it...

Have him prove he wants it, let him do the work for it.

[Phenix70]

Thanks Jack, I appreciate your input, especially this part:

"The decision to go another 8 months or move forward doesn't have to be made today. Not even tomorrow.

I'd suggest that while you 'think' he wants it...

Have him prove he wants it, let him do the work for it."

I am doing my GALing & 180 for myself, to get back to the person I was when I was the happiest.
I didn't like that I had let myself go, gaining 25 lbs did make me feel crappy for lots of reasons & I admit I held onto those feelings like a security blanket.
As out going as I may seem, it's been tough for me to make friends, I'm actually shy & awkward around people even if I don't show it.
I will tell you this, even after H told me he thought my changes didn't matter, I let him get his feelings out & even validated them back to him, but I never defended or explain my changes.
These changes are my own, for me to find my way back to me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

it's been tough for me to make friends

Well, it is not like you go to a store and pick one out.

Making friends, isn't exactly easy.
"I want the one with the blue eyes, who strokes my ego and likes Sushi!"

Strangers become people you know.

People you know become aquaintences.

Aquaintences become people you hang out with.

People you hang out with become friends.

Your step process might be different, but I do not know many people who pick a stranger out of a crowd, annouce that they are going to be friends and start like that. I'd be a bit leary of either person who was that accepting, or needy.

[Drew]

You might even find very good friends right here.

[Phenix70]

Jack, as if you can read my mind, LOL.
That's exactly how I feel, it takes time & opportunity to make friends.
Since I've been in GA, there really hasn't been many opportunities to make friends.
Sure my H introduced me to other Army wives, but we didn't hit it off, that doesn't mean I didn't try, we just were too different, especially our ages.
In the past I did my best to explain this to my H but he didn't accept those reasons.

[Phenix70]

Quick update from last night.
About 5:10pm, I casually asked H what he had planned for the night & he said nothing & asked what I was doing.
I told him I was going out for Happy Hour with our neighbor.
He was surprised to say the least.
So I got ready & as I was coming back into the living to grab my purse, I heard him pop a beer, which made me laugh internally since he had given no indication he was going to drink last night.
I turned & as he walked past me he gave me this odd smirk/smile thing.
As I gathered my stuff he went into the bathroom so I left without saying good-bye, something I never do.

I went out, had a great time, I laughed, had some margaritas & let off a ton of steam & stress, I felt great.
When I got home a few hours later, he obviously had a lot to drink, 9 drinks in about 3 hours, I had 3.5 in that time frame.
I was pleasant to him, I didn't offer to tell him about my night & he didn't ask.
Though I do think his stress level was off the chart, he smoked 14 cigs last night, more than double the amount he usually smokes when he has his once a week drinking night.

I went to bed at a decent hour & he stayed up late playing poker.
This morning after I logged into my FB, I noticed that he also went & found old friends & argued with another friend.
Which just makes me laugh since he actually complained that I spent too much time posting on FB, when in actuality I post maybe once a day, while he is always on there looking at his friends updates but not posting.
Weird.

Today I'm off to go volunteer for the animal rescue that we got our dog from.
It's my first day of doing dog adoptions, eventually I will get to work in the shelter after I've worked enough adoptions days, my goal is to work in the shelter to help recoup the dogs.

BTW Drew, I somehow missed your last post yesterday, sorry I didn't respond to you.
You're right, I could very well make friends on DB, though it might be tough since we can't give out personal info on here.
And Drew, you would be happy to know I didn't look at his computer, nor did I look at his phone last night.
You want to know why?
Because I get it now, nothing I see is going to make a difference in my life, if he is going to cheat or do whatever, me seeing the evidence isn't going to change anything.
I might as well give myself a break & not add onto my stress.

[Phenix70]

I'd suggest that while you 'think' he wants it...

Have him prove he wants it, let him do the work for it.

Jack, how exactly do I have him prove he wants it?
He's already been to the atty & is now ready to give her the $550 retainer fee.
To me that seems like he has done the work for it, is there something else he needs to do to prove it?
Thanks for your input, keep it coming!!

[Phenix70]

Hopefully someone can give me some helpful advice & how to deal with H & his icy disdain towards me.
When I speak to him, often he gives me as minimal of an answer as he can, sometimes he actually will talk to me.
The one common feeling I get from these interchanges is his total disregard for me, as if I'm bothering him by talking to him.
BUT, when I ignore him & give him the cold shoulder right back, he gets even colder towards me, I feel "damned if I do, damned if I don't."
Anyone able to offer any insight or advice?
Right now I'm going with continuing to speak to him, nothing about us, R or D of course.