Bob, HI, I am going to try to be quick and to the point so please forgive me if I sound cold okay? I am trying to stay off line today through wed. but I saw the DB notification.
I have a thread here in the newcommers forum that I put some answers to alot of questions, and some old posts.
Did you ever feel bad about what you where doing? My wife seems to feel bad but just can't control her feelings?
yes I felt terrible about what I was doing! absolutely horrible! I also felt very trapped in my marriage. I was afraid to leave because he threatend to kill me if I did. He dosnt remember that at all. I didnt think I was doing anything that wrong because I was only talking to the om not meeting him or seeing him. I felt my feelings were not anything I could control. I felt in a horrible predicament. I was stuck and torn between my vows and my heart. I didnt realize how common this was or really understand what I was going through. It wasnt until I came to DB that I learned about emotional affairs and what was happening with me. I didnt think my feelings for him would ever go away. I thought I made a mistake and married someone all wrong for me and now met someone so right for me that was telling me they felt the same.
Help me understand how strong an EA can be.
An ea is very strong because The two people have connected on a higher plain. 'You' (collective) have been replaced by someone who will now share those deeper needs. Sexual interest will wain but a personal connection generally gets stronger. They might have that kind of "soul mate" feeling of connection.
Does this person become your saftey net? yes. They have been there for each other through the hard stuff and he has created that safe place for her talk about anything and everything with out feelings being hurt or negative reactions. Theres no negative history so there is a clean slate as well. They are alis. It feels like they understand you completely and your spouse just dosnt seem to. (for me anyways)
Do you think that it might happen again in your marriage?
NO! why, because I have an understanding now of what happend and why. I have learned so much. I now come here for suport and advice and venting all of which the OM was who I turned to for this. I also had extreme problems in my marriage, that I didnt want my friends or anyone to know about, I didnt want them judgeing my H and pittying me. I felt om wouldnt do that. I have opened up to those things to my counselor now, before I couldnt talk about it at all I had to write them to om and he talked to me about them and helped me through it, that made it possible for me to open up and talk to my counselor about it and I confided in my best friend and I can talk to her if I need to. This is my solution for now until I am in a place with my H that I feel safe in opening up completely with my H and he learns how to fullfill these needs and be safe for me to talk with. Things are now moving forward nicely in this area.
Backing off I am sure is helping, you just probably cant see it because she isnt showing it in an obvious way. She is very confused right now and she undoubtley as walls up between you because she probably dosnt want to hurt you with her turmoil that she just dosnt understand. Thats how I felt.
She is now backpedling on the what the EA has to do with how she feels about me. She says that she has felt like this way before the EA. When does the light come on or does it?
how she feels about you is not a result of the EA, at least it wasnt in my case. The problems in the marriage and how I felt and did not feel about my H resulted in the EA. I was feeling empty and angry and full of hatred for him for years before the EA. My H wanted to blame the om for the problems in our marriage and it took him a long time to realize diferent. I think to a degree it does affect your feelings, because you start to compare the two and it makes you angrier at your H. For a while I was angry at my H for not being like the men here at the site and at least seek answers and try harder and do the things they were. But they have the suport and advice of this board and people here giving insights and great enlightenments to help understand whats happening. as for when the light comes on, I dont know what to tell you. everyone is diferent and goes at their own pace.
