Not a problem. This is all very good information. I was thinking about what the aftermath might be if she does end the EA. If she does end it, it looks like it will be a long time before she will want anything to do with me. But that's ok, as long as the OM is out of the picture then I will be much happier. And if she goes fine, at least I will have my dignity back.
I am concerned about her saying its over, but continuing to keep it going especially because they work together. Will probably have to state that getting a new job is a part of the deal.
The only reason to wait is for the kids. If my wife doesn't want to end the EA, then I don't want to have the fallout ruin their christmas.
I think I understand this, but then again... you weren't having the EA, so it's not you doing it. That would be a consequence of the EA, not your doing.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. IT WOULD BE HIM FORCING THE ISSUE AND THE TIMING OF THE CONSEQUENCES, AND SERVES NO PURPOSE. PLUS IT MEANS HE MISSES OUT ON THE CHANCE TO CREATE MEMORIES FOR THE CHILDREN AND WIFE TO KEEP IN MIND AS THE MOST RECENT POSITIVES. And it would look punitive of him, and in my opinion, it would be exactly that. As my DB coach said, it's not our job to show the conquences to them; Life does that. you may not agree with that but I think it's worth considering. And imo, your approach , TH, sounds punitive to me. Like you want to "teach a lesson"and it's NOT our job to do that and that isn't being a doormat. There are other options and certainly better timing.[/color]
You may own your portion of the problems in your marriage prior to the affair, but you aren't responsible for the affair or its consequences.
[color:#CC0000]HE WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TIMING of those consequences you SO want her to face, IF HE SHOVES IT INTO THE WHOLE FAMILY'S FACES AT CHRISTMAS TIME....WHY DO THIS NOW?? Why NOW? WHY?
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I am also hoping, but not optimistic that she may come to her senses now that she knows I am aware of what's going on with her and the OM.
Yeah, I'm not optimistic either, and hope is not a plan. I would think that if there are perceived consequences, then why should it stop? I haven't just seen these things stop just because the betrayed spouse knows too often.
He can 1) create the best Christmas they've had and COUNTER her negative images of him and money and 2) give her an ultimatum after the holidays. But Hey, don't give any ultimatum you are not ready to back up with action. You cannot bluff on this. It's better not to give an ultimatum at all, than to give one and then back down.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"W if you CHOOSE to continue EA, then you will need to move out, if you CHOOSE to stop you can stay."
She chooses her fate, not you!
And don't wait! This is abuse and no one should put up with it!
This language and approach is inflammatory and unhelpful in my opinion. It comes from a place of anger. Period. I strongly urge you to get a DB coach sometime or re read the DB books, if you have read them.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmic, she is cheating on him IN FRONT OF HIM!!!! The first rule in any A is for the spouse to STOP! Unless he wants to live in an open marriage. Would you let YOUR WIFE have sex with another man and then tell you "too bad"? An EA is far more damaging then a PA. women are built on emotion and the longer his W is involved in it the harder it will be for her to detach.
You, set the boundary and yes follow through.
Or let her cheat in front of you!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Sorry 25years, I meant would you let your husband cheat on you in front of you?
It's just wrong in my opinion.
My W does not have the right to cheat and if I let it go on without setting a boundary than that means I approve.
Doing nothing is the same as giving permission.
Why should she stop? No one is telling her to!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Hi Sandi, I don't propose to know everything, but I do know this; My wife WILL NOT have an A in front of me... And if she CHOOSES to she can leave...
I truly respect the opinions of everyone and I am new to this board and new to DB... It is my opinion that a marriage can't heal if an A is allowed to continue...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Sandi, what would you recommend? You have been in my wife's position. In your view what is the most appropriate path that I should follow in order to get my wife to end the EA and consider reinvesting in our marriage?
Btw sandi, I've read many of your posts and they have helped me greatly... I respect that more than anything...
So I'm interested in your opinion here... Because I would have a mental breakdown knowing my W was continuing an EA... That's why I had to set that firm boundary...
Do you really think Punchy should not set that boundary or ultimatum if that's what you want to call it?
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I'm not that far away from a mental breakdown, but do not want to do anything that long term would put me farther away from a possible reconnection with my wife.
