Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Truegritter,

I agree, because I know it is very difficult. I'm trying to do the opposite of what I feel - and that's very hard for me.

Also, I struggle because I want her to solidify her thoughts - not simply have these feelings. It's not just me and her. We have 3 children and lots of responsibilities.

I honestly believe at this point there are 2 "real" issues in our M. Her feeling that she doesn't love me, and the interference of my parents in our M.

Like I said we had a good convo last night, intiated by her. I did my best to validate. Obviously I had to let her know that there isn't anyone else - I'm not dating - I'm not exploring my escape options!!

I'm am working on detaching, trying to "force" or convince myself that I can be happy without "this" woman. Some days I really believe it and other days I panic and my emotions takeover.

Taking the kids swimming tonight, hockey tomorrow night. GAL, and another IC appointment next week.

Thanks again for your helping.

[Truegritter]

Also, I struggle because I want her to solidify her thoughts - not simply have these feelings.

This is YOU again.

You do not control this. Let it go.

I honestly believe at this point there are 2 "real" issues in our M. Her feeling that she doesn't love me, and the interference of my parents in our M.

The first one you have no control over except that she loved you once and if she sees that man or the good parts of that man you have a shot at her maybe seeing you differently in the future.

The second with your parents, you do have control over and the details of which don't matter but perhaps does your W feel like you sided with your parents? Or that you allow them to interfere?

The most remarkabable thing about all this tragedy is that it does make us look at our life. And ourselves if we care to.

A question for you.

Why did you allow your parents to interfere in your M?

[ScaredinCanada]

A question for you.

Why did you allow your parents to interfere in your M? [/quote]

She moved into my parents house when we were 19ish, and I struggled to tell my parents when they were wrong --- because they were my parents (their house/their rules).

I'm the oldest child in my family and as a result I've always felt additonal responsibility to my parents. I don't want to let them down, disappoint them or for them not to be proud of me. It's not something I'm trying to do it's just a subconcious thing that I have trouble dealing with. I've never been able to "stand up to them" to disagree with them or do something that I felt would be disappointing to them.

So I end up being the middle man, trying to make my W feel ok about things and the same with my parents. I understand this is wrong but I've struggled my entire life with this and unfortunately it's effected my M.

Like I said before I finally sat down with them a couple weeks ago and told them about the problem I have and how it's effected my M. I told them that was going to change and it was something I needed to address regardless of my current sitch.

My W says I'm affraid of my parents, but I don't believe I am. I think I have been conditioned to think the way I do and obviously it's not healthy for me or my W.

I have matured and I've finally started dealing with the issues in my life so I can be a better, positive and thoughtful person that can be counted on it all situations.

I'm talking to my IC about this, and she said that feeling is normal for the oldest child but that mine appears to a bigger issue than most.

I can't even completely explain it, I've acknowledged with myself at times that it's wrong and I needed to deal with it, but I just never did.

I have now, and I understand I have to continue to work on it as similar to my M it won't be fixed over night.

[ScaredinCanada]

...just to add. I obviously been scared of being rejected by my parents.

Which they told me was silly, that they would never reject me and that their always proud of me and we can work through anything as a family.

Although I guess they couldn't really say anything else.

[Truegritter]

My W says I'm affraid of my parents, but I don't believe I am.

SIC we have to grow up sometime. That is hard. Some people never do I believe and allow these constraints in their life.

This where you have to find out who is inside you.

Not the label that your parents use for you or

Your W.

This is inside you.

You have to find what you don't like in yourself and kill it.

Me? I had to reconcile a relationship I had with my mother that was affecting me and making me angry.

I have said to you before that this can be a catalyst for you to take steps for YOU.

Can you see that the best thing for YOU could be the thing that brings your W back to your M?

The best part about this process of self awareness is that whether you save your M or not...

You save yourself in the process. Leave the stuff that didn't work behind you.

Take a step forward.

What is it you don't like about yourself?

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Truegritter,

I agree that I needed to grow, and I believe that I am now mature enough to deal with the issues with my parents. Like I said, I have started the process and it is empowering - but I know I need to be consistant so I can "kill" the issues within myself as it relates to my parents.

I cannot even really describe the feeling - I've tried re-writing this sentance a few times. I don't need my parents approval or acceptance - that's what I need to "kill" from inside me. Again, I'm looking for other people to set the tone of my life - to make me happy. In the end it makes me sad and it's helped to destroy the R with my W.

I realize as result of these feelings I also lack self-esteem. I need to make decisions on my own and be proud and happy with those decisions (whether they are viewed by anyone else as right or wrong is besides the point). Ever since I started college my weight gain started which has only further hurt my self-esteem. I am working on that as I've now lost just about 30 pounds in the last year. I'd like to lose another 10-15 points, to be closer to an ideal weight of say 175-180. This is helping.

Detaching from my W is also helping, it's actually improving my self-confidence because I understand I can only truly rely on ME. Yes, I want to have good, strong, positive relationships in my life, but I want to be a contributing member in that R. Regardless of whether I am talking about W, friends or family.

Thoughtfulness - although I tell myself I care. I rarely "act" like I care. I do things due to lazeness regardless of the level of effort required. I've started to change my world view slightly to where I'm actually sympathetic to others. I want be a happy person that brings happiness into other peoples lives. I want people to say I'm a great person, not just a good person.
I want to be father that my children can be proud of, who can be an example to them of what a happy, thoughtful and caring person.

I'm trying to work on these things, and at times I feel like I am making great strides - I just need to stick with it. Same as I've changed to a more healthy life-style (eating better, not eating in evenings, getting to bed earlier, working out, playing hockey, etc) I need to do the same with the rest of my life.

I already believe that my W is seeing some of these changes, and I know some of it pisses her off - because she has the attitude of "where was that for the last 7 years", but at other times I see she struggles with her emotions because it makes her really think about how good I can be...she remembers why she fell in love with me. Now I know I should look for this stuff, but again it's not what she's saying (because that's never good right now) but it's her actions - I can see it.

Anyways, let me know what you think True. Am I on the right track, do you think IM fixable?

[ScaredinCanada]

So my W mentioned again last night that she'd like to get a new truck. We've talked about getting a second car for some time, but we really can't afford it.

She was saying she thinks she wants to go out and buy it for herself for Christmas. I told her that was fine, but asked how she was planning to pay for it (since she is the one making payments on our minivan) to which she said "You can have the van, and the truck will be mine". So asked her how exactly we can afford do do that? She says "You can take over the payment on the van..."

I told her certainly don't have the money to pick up a $400 a month car payment (heck I don't even have the available cash to go buy some new clothes - especially with Christmas coming). I think she already knows this but somehow she thinks this will make it easier for us to "split up" because we would both have a car.

I told her that I'm not exactly sure what she is planning, but that I don't understand how she thinks that it will be easy and uncomplicated??? To which she says "It wouldn't be complicated for us to split up." I'm beside myself, until I realize she's probably refering to the fact that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I thinking based the fact that we live in the country, neither of us could carry the house on our own, neither of us wants to live without the kids.

So I just told her that if she believes this "plan" will make her happy then I'm fine with it, but that I want see it first (there is no plan).

I also decided since she was talking about "splitting up" that I would try and establish a boundry. I said that my only real boundry would be that would could not remain living together if there was OM. She said there wasn't but she assumed "boundry" would be that "she couldn't leave me". I said that I was ok with that if she really thought that would make her happy.

There was quite a bit of joking around and laughing as she went tanning in order to not be "white" for the wedding, and when she got home she was showing me the tan lines. She was being a bit playful, and I told her she looked good. To which she said "Are you going to be able to control yourself at the wedding?" I just said sure I can, I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging you look good. I told her I was going to watch a bit of football game and then head to hockey.

She just paused and said, "Oh what am I going to do with you?"

She also softened a bit on the Christmas gifts (since she found something that I had gotten for her) and said "I guess I should take the kids out to get something for you" which made me feel good because she'll be thinking about my good side and she'll be discussing it with the kids.

I know I need to focus more on just validating her when she brings up the R, but it's really difficult to not try and engage her more in the convo. I also asked her if she was still interested in counselling, to which she said she was but that she hadn't called because her work schedule is week to week.

She is working every night this weekend, so it's just me and kids for most of the weekend. Going to try and take them ice skating and spend some quality time with them.

I honestly think it's just going to take time, and I believe as I continue to build my self back up she'll likely come around.

Today is a good day, tomorrow will be an even better day.

[ScaredinCanada]

My D6 just told me at bedtime that she has a perfect idea for what to get me for Christmas. She said she's going to wrap up herself and her sisters and give them to me. She said "You'll be soooooooo happy!"

Just the way she said it made me feel so good.

Some really good things are actually coming out of a sitch that felt so horrible only a few weeks ago.

[MrBond]

If possible, I would change your name. It sounds very desperate.

[ScaredinCanada]

It's not my REAL name 007...

I hear ya, I'm not sure it's possible to change it. Also, it's a good reminder of where I started this journey. I was scared. No doubt about it.

I'm not really scared anymore...mostly just disappointed. Especially because I feel like I am changing for the better and becoming a happy person and father...it really appears that my W is going to miss out on the new me.

She is retreating into herself more and more...I got home from work the other day (just as she was going to work) and the house was a disaster. Toys all over the place, kitchen messing and dishes in the sink. She wasn't like this before.

She can still hurt me too, it's obvious that she does still hold my heart. She was talking to the kids this morning about getting her farm in a few months and taking the kids to disney. I am worried she's planning something, and I hate that she isn't talking...not telling me what's going through her mind. I believe that whatever she is planning won't happen until the New Year.