Oh, I am so sorry to read about your H's dad. I said a prayer for him.
May I suggest a book that helped me a lot with my cancer - Cancer 50 Essential Things To Do 3e - Paperback (Feb 24 2009) by Greg Anderson and Carl Simonton
It helped me a lot even though I didn't follow all of the advice. I gave it to my friend's sil, and she had a bad prognosis, more than a year ago. She followed more of the advice and still going strong. Tell your H, the C word isn't a death penalty, and not to put a time limit on his dad's life, or anyone else for that matter, healthy or not.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi you GAG, have a little time to reply to your last post. As always great points and advice, thank you
I'm realizing that no matter what I say and how I react to H these days, I'll always be wrong...no win for sure...frustrating. I tried to be so careful and calm and reasonable and polite at our SA meeting and got statements like "you think that if you are nice to me I'll just do what you want", "you are such an actress" "you pretend to care" like he doesn't want to believe that after all that he has done I could genuinely still care for him and be friendly.
So far I'm dealing with him about the SA...we will see if I can continue...I would like to, would be less expensive then having the lawyers handle it....if he wants the bloody company he can have it...he will kill it anyway if he continues on the same path.
There is no doubt in my mind that H's depression is getting worse...I wonder if he is able to hide it from OW.
GAG, It felt natural to give him the hug and plant the kiss on him...we would do that up until the last false R back in May...then we stopped....so I took the initiative to start that again...he certainly seemed receptive....it's also showing him that I'm not angry with him and I don't hate him....basically a peace offering. BTW it wasn't a french kiss just a peck on the cheek, not sure if H would consider that flirting...but physical contact nevertheless.
That was a thought provoking story about your chronically depressed patient...I really think that H would benefit from visiting a psychiatrist for a full assessment...but that's out of my hands...as you said he has to hit bottom, before he will seek help.
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From out here in "virtual land" it feels like your H is teetering on edge of changing in some significant way. Not sure if others are getting this sense too???? I think CW is right about this.
That's encouraging that you see that...all I see is his deepening depression and internal turmoil and his determination to push forward with the SA and to continue with OW...I guess I'm way to close to this to be able to see what you see.
Thank you again GAG
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I believe it is a very positive that your H turns to you about what he is going through emotionally concerning his father's illness. It shows that that bond is still there with you.
It is also encouraging that your H will let you have physical contact with him. My H is so 'faithful' to the ow that I'm not even allowed to even place a hand on his shoulder.
I also believe that the bond is still there...and once in a while H lets it show....just enough to keep my hope alive.
Yes H allows hugs....but that's about it, everything else would be cheating on OW....Actually we stopped hugging the day he announced that the affair is back on only 2 weeks after he made all kinds of promises and wanted to reconcile....after he told me he said "could I hug you?" And I said "no, just go"...ever since then he didn't initiate hugs and either did I....until this week.
Today H emails to ask if he can come over and work on my computer and use my printer...there is something wrong with his. I said that he can come after dinner, he replied that he can't come in the evening because he will be too tired by then "I am running on fumes these days" he said....so I'm letting him come before dinner.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
CHEAT on her.... my husband and his mistress... he can cheat on his wife but cant cheat on her.it goes back when he had his 1st affair with her...I always told her..ifhe left me for you I would be the other woman in his life.i would have him everytime he would come over to visit the kids. And I meant it...... I think she still rememebers that convo 20 yrs. ago so he made him promise her to never touch me again.. Weird thinkers............cheat on your wife but not on your homewrecker....go figure
Yes, the dramatic turn around demonstrated by that patient is pretty unusual. It was interesting that she always wore a "burqa-like garment" (I don't remember the correct name of the garment --- she is East Indian), but when I saw her last week she was dressed in very nice street clothes and looked radiant, so the change was VERY visible. This type of turn around is VERY unusual, but it can happen.........
I'd like to make a clarification about the type of treatment this patient had because I know there are a lot of people who follow your thread. I think that this patient's turn around should be attributed to a combination of psychotherapy AND drug therapy. In my experience, drugs prescribed by psychiatrists in the absence of psychotherapy by Ph.D. psychologists will have limited success. Certain types of depression respond best to anti-depressants and other types of related mental health disorders (i.e. PTSD) respond best to psychotherapy.
In the clinic where I work, I see a lot of patients come in having been prescribed antidepressants by family practice physicians. If someone has significant depression or mental health problems, this is not an effective approach. Those people should be seeing mental health specialists.
Hope this helps someone out there........and Mila, sorry for the hijack.
Isn't that bizarre? The OW in my H's life is so insecure and jealous of me it's unreal. He's never nice to me, doesn't express any concern or interest, but she knows how she came by him, and what goes around comes around. If they can do it with you, they can do it to you.
Glad some of you are getting hugs out there. At least if they are hugs that aren't confusing.
ILMN, in my husband's case, it was easier to blame me for his 'dysfunction' than deal with the actual causes. A big load of guilt doesn't help, either.
Mila, is that little spark keeping hope alive good or bad? Is it truth, or is it just for his own self satisfaction that you are hanging in there? These are just questions I ask myself, but I'm in the position of backing away from my M, or as I like to call it, 'Standing Down'
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Just catching up and am sorry to read about your FIL...cancer [censored].
I am glad that you are strong enough that if your H needs to talk about his father that you are able to offer a shoulder and listen. It seems he still looks to you to be the pillar...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Ilike - the cheating on OW attitude is bizarre....it's amazing that they could have such loyalties to someone the hardly know over someone they have been emotionally and physically attached to for years....but that's the way it seem so go
GAG - thank you for more info on the recovery of your patient....and you can hijack my tread anytime
Punkin - honestly, I don't know if it's good that I still have hope....it would be much easier if I just wrote him off....but I can't....It's either a weakness on my part or my inner intuition is telling me something....
CW - I'm handling being around H much better now....it's still an effort but the anger is pretty much gone, so I can interact on friendly bases.
I'm going to start a new tread now, it was pointed out to me that this one is too long...hope to see you all there
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
