Living Like Roommates

[TimeHeals]

should have read "if there are NO perceived consequences, then why..."

[punchy]

I am not sure that I am prepared to deal with this right now either, so deferring gives me time to finalize what I am going to say to her.

I agree with everything you have said especially regarding the consequences. She and the OM need to know that their actions will generate some negative impacts for our family especially our kids.

She is very concerned about what impact a divorce may have on our kids. Choosing her kids over the OM is a more likely outcome then choosing me over him, but at least that would remove him from the picture.

The other issue is that they work for the same company, so allowing this to continue unchallenged is problematic. She did apply for a job with another company last week which I wasn't aware of when I confronted her about the OM. Maybe this is a good sign.

[TimeHeals]

If that's the way you've decided to handle this for now, then you might want to put your focus on your kids. Maybe plan some day trips or something. Get involved in making their Holiday a special one.

I would caution against putting too much confidence in the spoken words of a wayward. Actions are good. If she gets another job, then that's good, and that's hopeful.

[Sad_but_happy]

Punchy, your heart can take MUCH MORE then mine...

My wife had an EA and I set that boundary right away. I WILL NOT and CAN NOT allow OM in my marriage. I told her,

"end it or move out".

I also told her,

"if you refuse to end it AND you refuse to move out I will file D right away."

And as far as I can tell, they have not communicated in over a month. I'm sure she misses OM and I'm sure that she wants to see him but that is to bad... I don't feel bad for her at all. It is completely her fault that she feels this loss. She should not have allowed herself to get in a position where the loss of another person could be felt... Everyone on this board is making changes for the things THEY did wrong in their marriage but our S also did much wrong. We have to remember that. And they are doing wrong now... Probably the MOST WRONG!!!

Your W is making the choice to do destructive things to the marriage, not you! I'm sorry to have such a hard line on this but allowing an A to continue after exposed is absolutly unacceptable. Ultimate disrespect! Your W needs to end it or leave the house. Remember, this is still HER choice. All she has to do is make the decision. She makes the decision, and you all live with the decision she makes. But at least you have your dignity and respect.

One thing is for sure. I would not respect my wife if she allowed me to continue an EA/PA after exposed and I am certain that she would not respect me if I allowed it.

Would you?

[punchy]

Great insight. I am not sure that my heart can take this. I have told her that the EA is wrong and needs to end, but I didn't give her the ultimatum. This is what I am wrestling with. Is the tough love approach the way to go, or is there another option. The MWD approach seems to be of the while you wait concept, where as a lot of the people posting on the forum say to lay down the law.

I am really struggling with deciding on the best approach.

[Sad_but_happy]

This us not an ultimatum, it's a boundary...

"W if you CHOOSE to continue EA, then you will need to move out, if you CHOOSE to stop you can stay."

She chooses her fate, not you!

And don't wait! This is abuse and no one should put up with it!

[angel61]

Even if EA ends, does not mean the hardship is over. My H ended EA after Thanksgiving, and I knew he would be depressed but I didn't realize what the impact would be on me.

The "alien" wall is even higher, its not only like living like roomates but sleeping with the enemy.

So Punchy, watch out for when that happens. BTW, I did the while you wait concept. Could not set boundaries.... but I also knew H would choose D11 over OW, and when OW realized that, she backed off.

Those of you who have been there, is it really that way? will the wall start breaking after H gets over his heartbreak with OW?

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Angel... Human nature is so predictable... Before I knew of the EA my wife and I would ML... after I found out that stopped. And when I set the boundary to end it she was even more angry... I believe it will take at least 6 months of NC with OP to start to see the light... Remember, they found something in OP that was missing... Something we DID NOT give them. They blame us for taking that much needed connection away...

So you and I are in the same boat. I suspect my wife will not leave cause I make the money. I'm ok with that as long as OM is gone. And if I can repair while she stays then great...

I wish you luck in your ditch...

We are both in the exact same boat...

[angel61]

SBH, thats how I feel - like he blames me for taking away what he had with OW. That is why he is angry, he flares up at me, now even at D11, then this AM he was telling me he felt sad that he was doing this to D11 who previously had him wrapped around her finger. One bad thing: he thinks he should stay away for a while (not everyday, maybe 3 days a week) while he is like this to shield us from his anger (his guilt and pain?). He is considering doing this after the holidays.

[Sad_but_happy]

Angel, I have my own boundaries. If W leaves to "find herself", we are done! Do not let him eat cake... What? Leave three days a week to see OW and then come home and enjoy DD while you do ALL the work and raising! Tell him if he leaves to make it every day! Not three days a week but seven days a week.

It's not the guilt, he wants to eat cake!

Sorry to hijack Punch