Sue, You are right I know. I am working on me. The days are better, I am much better but I still want so much more. Now that I know and understand what all has transpired between us I know uneqivilacally (sp?) that we can resolve our problems -and that one person can lead the way. But we are not even in the same house, city, or state so .... I am just impatient and needing (wanting) some more direct positive feedback from SO that OK, no D, but we do have things to work on so we will progress that way. You saw her letter from Mon. And yes, I know its not even a week yet and there are (hopefully) many little positive signs. We are talking easier, a little more open (still cautiosuly though), happier, etc. That is a start. I am just wanting the whole fairy tale. Its sad, it hard. I brought on myself by not finding these things out and listening (understanding) sooner. I have come so far so quickly -and still have a long ways to go -I am just wishing and wanting everything from the other side to progress that way also. It will be a very lonely holidays & NY Eve and that will be a hard and bitter pill to swallow in the future if (when) we get back together. Well time to go run and be with the Big Guy! Rob
How can you work on your marriage when your wife does not want to go on dates etc. Where you like that when you where or ending your EA. She does not and will not go out with me alone. Even though our counseler told her she needs to streach herself. How can you get the connection back if you are not doing the things to get it back?
How can you work on your marriage when your wife does not want to go on dates etc. Where you like that when you where or ending your EA. She does not and will not go out with me alone. Even though our counseler told her she needs to streach herself. How can you get the connection back if you are not doing the things to get it back?
HI Bob, Detachment is simply you not being hurt by or obsessed with your wifes actions. You can DB much better if you detach. it does not mean to stop loving someone. As a matter of fact they will feel more comfortable with you if they dont feel so worried about your reactions to their actions. It will really help with the way you feel and control those backslides. it dosnt at all mean you are not working on your marriage. I think I am going to have to elaborate more on detachment here when I get a chance.
Yes I was like that. I didnt want to go out with him at all. it really seemed pointless and I wanted as much time away from him as I could get. He was asking me to go away on nice weekends that sounded great but I just didnt want to be with him. It to me just represented more time for him to put the pressure on 24 hours a day as aposed to the 16 hours a day
When I was involved in the EA. I wasnt seeing him just talking to him on the phone and email. unfortunately my heart wanted to be with him. I felt very guilty about this and it hurt that I really felt no control of my feelings in the matter. I hurt more and felt more attached to him when I was trying not to talk to him. then later when I was ending it I had to deal with those feelings of letting go and that made it hard to be around my H. I had to keep up a fasad of being okay when I just felt so torn apart and hurt so bad inside. I didnt feel I could let go and get over the om because my feelings felt like I just couldnt control how I felt and I just didnt think it would go away. After truly letting go and getting over it it was then easier to go out with my H. I know it sounds wierd but I felt guilty when I decided to let go of the om, like I was not being fair to him. Ha! and he was the OM! My situation was complicated though because I was suffering so much from past abuse and deep depression and the only time I felt better was when I was talking to OM. So my situation and feelings might be diferent from what your wife is feeling now.
she probably just needs more time and space.
If she has ended an EA she needs time to mourn and let go of that loss. I know that hurts to hear but its true. then she will feel ready to date most likely. I now have a great time going out with my H. it was uncomfortable at first we didnt have much to talk about neither one of us could really talk about our feelings with out upsetting or hurting the other.
hope this helped some Sue
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited 12-05-1999).]
You make some good points. Helen and I have an ongoing conversation on the infidelity board on just this topic. She has been great as someone that has gone through an EA also. Both of your thoughts are invaluable to men like myself that are trying to go through rebuilding their marriages. Both of you seem to have been through the samething that my wife is going through right now.
More quesions if you have time and I will also look for some of your other posts because you may have answered them somewhere.
She is now backpedling on the what the EA has to do with how she feels about me. She says that she has felt like this way before the EA. When does the light come on or does it?
The detaching is such a fine balance. Do we talk about the issues or not? If you don't talk about the issues and feelings how can it get better? If she needs to have conversation and friendship then don't we talk?
Did you ever feel bad about what you where doing? My wife seems to feel bad but just can't control her feelings?
Help me understand how strong an EA can be. Does this person become your saftey net? Do you think that it might happen again in your marriage?
You are here on this site so you must really want to work on your marriage. I can't say that my wife does not want to work on it she is just not real active. You thoughts on this stuff are great. It's funny because when all this began I was the one pushing her hard to find out what was going on. Now I back off more. Though I can't say it helps
Bob, HI, I am going to try to be quick and to the point so please forgive me if I sound cold okay? I am trying to stay off line today through wed. but I saw the DB notification.
I have a thread here in the newcommers forum that I put some answers to alot of questions, and some old posts.
Did you ever feel bad about what you where doing? My wife seems to feel bad but just can't control her feelings?
yes I felt terrible about what I was doing! absolutely horrible! I also felt very trapped in my marriage. I was afraid to leave because he threatend to kill me if I did. He dosnt remember that at all. I didnt think I was doing anything that wrong because I was only talking to the om not meeting him or seeing him. I felt my feelings were not anything I could control. I felt in a horrible predicament. I was stuck and torn between my vows and my heart. I didnt realize how common this was or really understand what I was going through. It wasnt until I came to DB that I learned about emotional affairs and what was happening with me. I didnt think my feelings for him would ever go away. I thought I made a mistake and married someone all wrong for me and now met someone so right for me that was telling me they felt the same.
Help me understand how strong an EA can be.
An ea is very strong because The two people have connected on a higher plain. 'You' (collective) have been replaced by someone who will now share those deeper needs. Sexual interest will wain but a personal connection generally gets stronger. They might have that kind of "soul mate" feeling of connection.
Does this person become your saftey net? yes. They have been there for each other through the hard stuff and he has created that safe place for her talk about anything and everything with out feelings being hurt or negative reactions. Theres no negative history so there is a clean slate as well. They are alis. It feels like they understand you completely and your spouse just dosnt seem to. (for me anyways)
Do you think that it might happen again in your marriage?
NO! why, because I have an understanding now of what happend and why. I have learned so much. I now come here for suport and advice and venting all of which the OM was who I turned to for this. I also had extreme problems in my marriage, that I didnt want my friends or anyone to know about, I didnt want them judgeing my H and pittying me. I felt om wouldnt do that. I have opened up to those things to my counselor now, before I couldnt talk about it at all I had to write them to om and he talked to me about them and helped me through it, that made it possible for me to open up and talk to my counselor about it and I confided in my best friend and I can talk to her if I need to. This is my solution for now until I am in a place with my H that I feel safe in opening up completely with my H and he learns how to fullfill these needs and be safe for me to talk with. Things are now moving forward nicely in this area.
Backing off I am sure is helping, you just probably cant see it because she isnt showing it in an obvious way. She is very confused right now and she undoubtley as walls up between you because she probably dosnt want to hurt you with her turmoil that she just dosnt understand. Thats how I felt.
She is now backpedling on the what the EA has to do with how she feels about me. She says that she has felt like this way before the EA. When does the light come on or does it?
how she feels about you is not a result of the EA, at least it wasnt in my case. The problems in the marriage and how I felt and did not feel about my H resulted in the EA. I was feeling empty and angry and full of hatred for him for years before the EA. My H wanted to blame the om for the problems in our marriage and it took him a long time to realize diferent. I think to a degree it does affect your feelings, because you start to compare the two and it makes you angrier at your H. For a while I was angry at my H for not being like the men here at the site and at least seek answers and try harder and do the things they were. But they have the suport and advice of this board and people here giving insights and great enlightenments to help understand whats happening. as for when the light comes on, I dont know what to tell you. everyone is diferent and goes at their own pace.
In light of detaching with love, I have finally figured out that I can indeed drop the rope. I have decided to move out on Friday. I will ask her to sit down Thursday, and ask if would be considered a mutual decision that I leave Friday.
I have posted on the Do a 180 Forum under A Letter to my Wife by CTP, the contents of a letter that I plan to leave for my W on Friday after I go.
I would very much appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions.
I just want to thank you for your wonderful post to Bob's Qs! It has provided a great insight to me as you may realize knowing my situ... Once again. I am printing this one for my planner (you now have 4 that I carry!)
Thank you for your support. I do agree that what happen prior to her EA needs to be addressed and that is what we have been working on in counseling. In fact my wife gets upset because she sees the changes in me and says that I am a good person.
But that does not change her feelings and attraction to OM. We are past discovery (though they still talk on a limited basis) and now trying to get into recovery.
The problem is that she is not really putting any effort into the recovery process. As I said before, how do you get a connection with someone back if you don't do the things it takes to connect with them again. How can you fully be in recovery if you still have feelings for OM.
We are 6 weeks past her admission of EA and things have gotten worse and not better. We are no further along then we where when we started couseling in June.
She sees the good things happening she tells me yet there is no reaction. OM's wife called me today to see how we where doing. She says that things are no better in their house. OM keeps talking about the past with her etc. Found out the day after discovery they spent 2 hours on the phone, probably planning the story they where going to spin to both of us.
I don't think you can begin the recovery process unless OM is out of the picture. How and when does that happen? For us it is going to be very tough since they live across the street from us.
What do you think would have happened had you not had an EA? Do you think that everything would have come to a head with hub? How long did you guys talk on the phone?
My wife and OM spent sometimes 2, 3, 4 hours a day talking. As well as our kids go to pre school together.
