On the Verge of Who Knows What

[d3l1ghts]

Firstly i would like to say a big HELLO to all you db'ers, your posts have inspired, enthusised and uplifted me, they have helped me see my M more differently in fact my whole relationship and for that i THANK YOU ALL for sharing your experience

[d3l1ghts]

any advice will be greatly appreciated.

I know you may fnd it strange that i have found my way here to a db site, i have only been M for 2 months but it hasnt been an easy 2 months not by a long shot. We have been T nearly 8 years and it has felt like a M without the full committment we have a D2 (going on 12). Our M did not go well to be honest it was a comlete disaster and i am not exaggerating here how we still got M i never know but we did :0) since then however our R has been going downhill, as a result of our M my family has diserted me and harrasing us, constant txt messages, phone calls emails, banging the door, breaking windows, threats and now the straw that broke the camels (H) back a solicitors letter starting legal proceedings. I will at some point go into all of this but i am here to save my M and make my R work. I am going to tell you something i have never admitted to my H nor anyone, i do luv my H very much and do want to spend the rest of my life with him, i cannot imagine myself with anyone else but i feel that these feelings could be what is killing our R.

Present day, after recieveing the solicitor letter my H said whilst getting ready for work he loves me but this harrassment is never gonna stop so he is leaving me. He took some things with him and left to go to work, now i know he has a short temperment and it doesnt take much to push him to the edge very quickly but the sad thing is my family know this too and i think they wanted us to split up (once you know the story about the wedding day you will understand why i think they didnt even want me to get married) i am at my wits end i don’t want this especially with everything that is going on with my family and the constant harrassment, i hate my job but need the money so cant leave yet as i have been very poorly so my sick record is really bad i dont think anyone will employ me so i feel like i am in a catch 22, i could have done with more affection from my WAS so now have reconnected with an ex for a bit of fun but it doesnt even feel fun i am so confused, lonely and scared,to be seperated after only 2 months of M i feel such a failure

[d3l1ghts]

here i go again!!

Last night pushed him further away again, why cant i communicate better (hind sight how i love you)had a big argument again for 3 hrs, ostly me talking sorry moaning and crying and swearing and shouting, i just feel so over emotional i just want to scream and yet i know that screaming gets me no were. I want us to spend more to together have been feeling extremely low and could do with a hug, but he just wants to play computer all night then i fall asleep on my own as i do every night. Last night felt very alone he had the day off but did nothing but play computer whilst i was home, he says if i want to spend time with him i should watch him play, thing is i usually do and enjoy watching him play his computer games but this one he is playing bores the heck out of me cant watch it for more then a couple of minutes without it annoying me, so went upstairs hoping he would wonder what i'm up to and follow. 2 hours later and he is still playing and on the interenet, i'm feeling very tired and annoyed at waiting for him so i slam the bedroom door (i knew this would get his attention) he comes storming into the bedroom swears at me for being a child and storms back off. I then storm downstairs and start arguing with him when all i really wanted was his attention and for him to ask me what was wrong but instead we both have our backs up and go no were for 3hrs.

In hindsight i shouldn't have slammed the door and certainly shouldn't have stormed after him.

The conversation ended with him saying we are going no were just going in circles and there is no point carrying on this R, i'm heart broken and crushed, i go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

[d3l1ghts]

this morning i decide to not be my usual moody self making sarcastic comments and jibes and just being plain right rude and try talking to him on my way into work (at least he was still dropping me into work)again we round in circles i'm just complaining try to get him to see my point, he just blames me for constant nagging and moaning, then just as i'm about to leave the car he says "you see this is the problem with you, you moan about all the problems but never have any solutions, all i hear is moan, moan, moan and no one wants to hear that, i'm not a very emotional person i dont need hugs and kisses but if that is what you need you should have said we could have seen if it helps, but no you just show all the faults and moan about being unhappy this is why i can't be with you""go to work now" i take this as meaning get out so again i let my emotions take over and storm out of the car, give my D a kiss and hug and go to work

[d3l1ghts]

on my walk into work it final dawns on me what he just said and with the help DB and the forums i realised to listen to what he needed, he said i never have any solutions just moan about the problems and on reflection i do just moan hoping that he will see my point of view but he never does, also he said that he is not an emotional person doesnt require hugs and kisses and that i should say when this is needed. Never before in all these years has he admitted that, he ususal just says that he hates how i am and so does not want to be near me. I have now sent him a text message sayin 'i'm sorry for being part of the problem and not part of the solution, how about i text you my feelings that way i wont seeing your actions and react to them, what do you think?' it has been 3 hrs now and he has not replied so i take it he is not interested anymore, we were meant to go out to our skating session this afternoon, i love to skate can't skate but love going but since he brings his friends along its not quality time together IMO so again feel unwanted, but as he has not replied to my message i take it we're not going :0(

[d3l1ghts]

just called H to ask about skating as i would have to leave work now, he's just cold on the phone and says "not going okay" i say okay and he puts down the phone. Just feel like crying my eyes out right now he knows how much i love skating and i asked him weeks ago even if we have problems to not let it affect us skating but as per usual what i say falls on deaf ears, i feel he doesnt care as he can get to go during his work breaks so isnt bothered one bit but it just feels to me that he never takes me into consideration, so going to be an eventful night tonight then, i dont want to go home but have no were else to go :0(

[ScaredinCanada]

You should either just go skating without him or at least tell him you did or say you did something else. Don't let him know that you were upset about it. As I'm being told you should detach from him, remove your dependance on him.

No idea where you live, but I would gladly go skating with you! I love skating, I have hockey tonight. Although I don't imagine that would help my sitch either!

[InAPickle]

If you find yourself with time on your hands, read the DB/DR book again. It helps to go through it a couple times. Also do a 180 on what is NOT WORKING. Do something "completely different."

[SDFoundGirl]

Get control of yourself. Now. Your H has told you what the problem is, and you continue to do the same things that annoy him.

Stop all R talk. All of it. No more complaining, no more moaning, no more trying to get him to see your point of view. It only pushes him away because HE NO LONGER CARES about your point of view. It has been badly delivered until the point where he's ceased caring.

I know this is harsh, but having been the emotional, nagging wife myself, I not only have lived the problem, I have also lived the solution.

Get into IC, and start working on yourself. Talk to your doctor and consider going on ADs to help you manage your emotions. They won't make you happy, they'll put a floor under your feet so you can do the hard work of therapy.

Start doing things you like and that make you happy ON YOUR OWN OR WITH FRIENDS. Your H can't make you happy...NO ONE can make you happy EXCEPT YOU. Stop looking to him to fill you up. That makes the other person feel as if they are being sucked dry by an emotional vampire. It's repulsive. Again, I know this, because I had those traits myself.

No excuses. You CAN do this. It will be hard, and it will be different, but at the end of it all, you will be a lot healthier and a much better partner. It is the one chance you have to save your M.

I have no doubts your H has his issues too, but since the only person you have any control over is you, you have to let that go. At some point in the future he MIGHT be willing to hear what you have to say and take a look at himself, but that's a long way off. He definitely won't be receptive if you don't handle your own business.

Now, what are your plans to take care of yourself, GAL, and get healthy? List them here.

If you feel like you want to talk to your H about the R or whatever else, COME HERE AND WRITE IT AND THEN WAIT 48-HOURS BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING TO HIM. If it's still the right thing to do/say after 48 hours, then go ahead. Most of the time once you are away from the emotion of it, you see that it would be detrimental.

SD

[MrBond]

Exactly what SDFoundGirl said.

Stop the relationship talks. Start talking to him in a pleasant way and most importantly...STOP ALL EXPECTATIONS.

If your interaction in the morning was you maybe nagging about something or him perceiving that you were nagging, then it's no surprise he didn't want to do anything with you.

Start establishing good interactions with him. It'll take time, but it can be done.

If you could elaborate, what happened at the wedding? The more information you give about your sitch, the better.