It’s so weird, I feel like if I don’t commit this to paper, that none of this is happening. Delusional, I know. 2 months ago my husband informed me that he was not happy and that he was wondering if we would be happier if we separated. (Translation: he would be happier if we separated).
It has been a very stressful year for us. The company we both worked for was bought out. Both of us were offered jobs in another city and he wanted to go, but I didn’t. He made the decision to go and for the sake of “us,” I went as well. Long story short, the last year has been a nightmare. While he has been thriving in his new position, I have not. Work has been going horribly for me. I want to find another position and have been looking, but the job market is very tough and given that we are paying for two mortgages (unable to sell our first house and renting it for a significant monthly loss), I cannot really take much of a pay reduction.
The work issues led to me becoming very depressed, negative and blaming him for the situation. I reminded him constantly that the move was his idea and that I didn’t want to go. I felt lonely because I missed my friends, my family, my old home and frankly, my old job (where I had practically grown up). When we moved, all of our “rituals” seemed to go by the wayside. We didn’t spend any time alone and he often made plans without me. I spun into a further abyss of loneliness. Things had gotten a bit better with me as we moved into the fall. But one day, he dropped on me that maybe we would be happier apart. I blew up. I mean I scared myself with the visceral reaction that I had. There were two occasions that I had this reaction and twice accused him of having EA or PA which he fervently denied. Since that time, he has said that he is pretty sure that he cannot forgive me for the accusations or for the last year in which I made him miserable and that he has lost hope for us. He maintains that he needs some space and that he is not ready to commit to fixing our marriage nor is he prepared to leave yet. He says that he loves me and that it hurts him to tell me these things but that is the way that he feels.
I have read DB and try desperately to adhere to the concepts of the book and realize my mistakes and am so very sorry for them. I must admit that I have failed on several occasions to adhere to the concepts and as if MWD was some sort of psychic, those failures were met with bad reactions.
I am trying to become more involved with other things. Signed up for cooking classes, going to the movies with friends, working out and generally trying to make myself scarce, BUT IT IS SO HARD. I constantly want to do a relationship checkup. I am angry that he has used separation as his first answer to our relationship problems rather than wanting to go to counseling. I find myself falling deeper and deeper into an abyss. I cannot handle the emotional, physical, sexual abandonment that I am feeling. I feel each day is getting worse and as hard as I try, I feel everything slipping closer and closer to the edge. The desperation I feel is further exasperated by the fact that I know based on everything I have read, that if I give up hope, we are done. But I find each day, it gets harder and harder to hold on to hope. I just don’t know how to handle the feelings and I need help.
I am 38, he’s 40. We’ve been together 11 years and married 3 years.
I would really appreciate the advice of those far wiser than I am in this situation.
