Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Truegritter,

I agree that I needed to grow, and I believe that I am now mature enough to deal with the issues with my parents. Like I said, I have started the process and it is empowering - but I know I need to be consistant so I can "kill" the issues within myself as it relates to my parents.

I cannot even really describe the feeling - I've tried re-writing this sentance a few times. I don't need my parents approval or acceptance - that's what I need to "kill" from inside me. Again, I'm looking for other people to set the tone of my life - to make me happy. In the end it makes me sad and it's helped to destroy the R with my W.

I realize as result of these feelings I also lack self-esteem. I need to make decisions on my own and be proud and happy with those decisions (whether they are viewed by anyone else as right or wrong is besides the point). Ever since I started college my weight gain started which has only further hurt my self-esteem. I am working on that as I've now lost just about 30 pounds in the last year. I'd like to lose another 10-15 points, to be closer to an ideal weight of say 175-180. This is helping.

Detaching from my W is also helping, it's actually improving my self-confidence because I understand I can only truly rely on ME. Yes, I want to have good, strong, positive relationships in my life, but I want to be a contributing member in that R. Regardless of whether I am talking about W, friends or family.

Thoughtfulness - although I tell myself I care. I rarely "act" like I care. I do things due to lazeness regardless of the level of effort required. I've started to change my world view slightly to where I'm actually sympathetic to others. I want be a happy person that brings happiness into other peoples lives. I want people to say I'm a great person, not just a good person.
I want to be father that my children can be proud of, who can be an example to them of what a happy, thoughtful and caring person.

I'm trying to work on these things, and at times I feel like I am making great strides - I just need to stick with it. Same as I've changed to a more healthy life-style (eating better, not eating in evenings, getting to bed earlier, working out, playing hockey, etc) I need to do the same with the rest of my life.

I already believe that my W is seeing some of these changes, and I know some of it pisses her off - because she has the attitude of "where was that for the last 7 years", but at other times I see she struggles with her emotions because it makes her really think about how good I can be...she remembers why she fell in love with me. Now I know I should look for this stuff, but again it's not what she's saying (because that's never good right now) but it's her actions - I can see it.

Anyways, let me know what you think True. Am I on the right track, do you think IM fixable?