My W continues to have the problems of quitting smoking and finding an enjoyable job. She works for a restaurant owner who made poor financial and business decisions and is now having cash flow problems. She seems to get herself stuck in feelings, and has trouble taking the first or continuing steps to solve her problems. What can I do to help?
I'm excited about participating in a dance competition in January. We have six weeks left to prepare for it. The one dance involves doing the steps in a specific way. I seem to be more committed to it than she is. What are the options? I can let her off the hook or keep it going with the idea that structure, a deadline, and a new experience are what's best for both of us. Of course, if she said, I don't want to do it, I wouldn't force her. On the other hand, I don't want to dismiss my needs, and let her completely drive the partnership.
In talking to her about her problems, it seems that having structure and commitments are what she needs to keep herself from staying stuck. She's made good decisions this week about evening and weekend recreation, and has attended with me a yoga class, Pilates class, two dance classes, two Salsa dances, a private dance lesson, and a movie.
My frustration is that she's not more committed to the dance competition. I have to be careful that I don't get into being judging, or self-centered, or too committed to the stories I'm creating in my head about how it's supposed to be, or controlling of how I think she's supposed to be approaching this.
A dance partnership is a process of exploration and compromise to meet each other's needs. There is give and take and eventually with effort and practice, magical events and dances happen. My W and I had a magical time at a Friday night dance. It was the mix of people there, and the evolution of the community, and the set-up of the venue, which created a night of connection beyond the dancing. My W and I went home glowing that night.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She seems to get herself stuck in feelings, and has trouble taking the first or continuing steps to solve her problems. What can I do to help?
CL, you're obviously a kind man and show love for your wife by wanting to help 'fix'. However, I think the biggest thing you can do to help her right now, is to take a step back, and deal with your own anxiety around allowing her to solve her own problems.
When your W gets 'stuck in her feelings'... what is it that YOU are feeling? Can you share that with us?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
However, I think the biggest thing you can do to help her right now, is to take a step back, and deal with your own anxiety around allowing her to solve her own problems.
When your W gets 'stuck in her feelings'... what is it that YOU are feeling? Can you share that with us?
I am gatting better at letting go and letting her fix her own problems--smoking cessation, job-hunting. I do want to influence what I can--reminders to practice dancing, attend exercise classes, getting her up after naps for evening recreation or morning lessons, going to restaurants.
My feelings are probably different for each episode. They include frustration, annoyance, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, fear.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The anger is towards myself, for not being stronger (more vocal, expressive, boundary-setting) during the sleeping elsewhere phases.
(((CL))) I see. Good for you for acknowledging that - that's hard to do. Do you think, too, that you might still have some anger towards her too, for her actions?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, I probably do, but it seems to have faded since the connection has increased this past year. At some point, it might be helpful to have an honest discussion about what happened. My guess is it's still too soon. She seems to talk about it from a distance.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
At some point, it might be helpful to have an honest discussion about what happened. My guess is it's still too soon. She seems to talk about it from a distance.
Wow. You guys haven't discussed it yet. Wow. Well I sure don't have any experience with knowing when to discuss something like that. But. I'm just curious. You seem to be doing an awful lot of work protecting her from having to deal with number of things - discussing what happened; having to fall on her own with her problems. You often seem preoccupied with it, wondering 'how you can help her'...
I just wonder ... do you think it might be possible that you're 'overfunctioning' about her problems, in a subconscious way to avoiding having to deal with your own hurt, anger and pain over what happened?
What is it that YOU need from this M, CL?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I just wonder ... do you think it might be possible that you're 'overfunctioning' about her problems, in a subconscious way to avoiding having to deal with your own hurt, anger and pain over what happened?
What is it that YOU need from this M, CL?
FMV, No, I don't think I'm avoiding emotional pain. I get up most mornings to write in a journal and write poetry. I keep myself connected to feelings and express them and articulate them.
The second question is more difficult to answer quickly and will require some reflection. I prefer the words want or desire or expect. I'm at work so will respond some morning from my home computer. Maybe the way to answer the question is think what I want for myself in terms of my life, and see where M would fit into that.
I do believe that it's important for me to express my desires in our dance partnership, instead of me simply going along with her whims, or her venues or her favorite dances. The dance partnership is giving me an opportunity to express my desires into the partnership. It's important for me to be checking to make sure I'm not being overly accomodating, under the guise of being helpful or not respecting my desires.
She hasn't attended dance class this week. I was able to get her to practice by taking my shoes to exercise class, and encouraging us to practice after class, rather than her settling in at home. She doesn't like either of the dances we've been working on. the one dance is difficult, and most students are struggling with it. I think I would be neglecting my needs by dropping out of the competition. I think there needs to be a balance between stretching ourselves, and making things to easy. I'll stay quiet for now, and see what happens at our next private lesson. The teacher has a responsibility to guide us thru this, and prepare us for the competition.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You seem to be doing an awful lot of work protecting her from having to deal with number of things - discussing what happened; having to fall on her own with her problems.
FMV, I think protection is a good word to describe what I often do. I don't think I'm protecting her; I think I'm protecting myself. It's that old pattern of conflict avoidance--particularly over long-standing problems (finances, smoking in the house, sex). It's easier to deal with dancing conflict. It's harder to change habits and relational patterns that have coasted for years.
As far as a discussion about what happened, i don't need to hear the story of her EA/PA. I want to know what's on her mind, or was on her mind. This is difficult for her, as I've mentioned. She speaks to it indirectly.
I need to remember that things have changed significantly from a year ago. A year ago my W joined me at the new dance studio I found. It was awkward having her there. I didn't feel like a couple. It was awkward being in public with her at dance venues, knowing that our problems were played out in public , to some extent. People ask me about the status of our R, on an ongoing basis, as our presence as a couple is still uncertain to some people.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
