When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[soleil]

WTH, just set his car on fire!...uh, it's a joke...right? You got that.

Hey now, that is on eof my favorite scenes in Waiting to Exhale. When Angelal Bassett goes all Fire Marshall Bill on her husband's Mercedes Excellent!

Mischa, I would confront/ask him in person. Not over the phone.

[mishka422]

I'm definitely doing this in person. Not a phone thing. I need to see him eyes when I ask him.

I like BBJ's approach to being neutral when asking him. I know the Econolodge he stayed at was in Anaheim and he went to Disneyland the next day. His mom lives up in Pasadena so it would have been a long drive from her house to the park but he also could have told me that. That's what set me off! We'll see how it goes. I pick him up at 8:30p tonight.

I know he's homesick. He's been telling me that for 3 days now. He said that a week was just too long to be gone and that California just isn't home anymore. And not long ago he wanted to move back there? Hmmmmm.......

Too many conflicting things and I HATE trying to sort it all out. My quiet little life with no big, scary decisions is much preferred.

[MichelleLT]

That's a perfectly reasonable explanation. Good job not letting yourself automatically believe the worst.

But definitely in no way was not being upfront about it acceptable. Methinks he was possibly being passive aggressive about the fact that he thinks you would freak if he told you he was staying in a hotel?

So, definitely important to handle this calmly and get across that you are not upset about him staying at the hotel (unless something did happen of course) but rather that he wasn't just honest about it.

A quiet life with no scary decisions is a fantasy lol. If you aren't making the decisions and setting the boundaries, they're being made for you and set by someone else. Conflict can be scary, but not facing issues never resolves them, and they become bigger issues later. Best to just nip it in the bud early before it grows larger.

[soleil]

Did he not tell you he went to Disneyland either?

[mishka422]

I knew he was going to Disneyland. We both worked there when we lived in California and one of his buddies who is still with the company signed him and his BMF in. He spent the whole time there texting me pictures and asking me what Christmas ornament I wanted him to bring back for me. He met up that night at the ESPN zone with some more people he used to work with. I knew all of that and he kept telling me what he was doing. This was the one piece he left out. It feels significant.

Michelle, I didn't mean to say I don't make decisions. I just prefer not to have the situations arise that require major deisions. I inevitably make the wrong one!!!! UGH! Of course, the few times I've gone against my gut instinct and chosen differently that was the one time I should have gone with my usually errant gut! Go figure.

3 hours and counting......

[kat727]

You know Mish, he missed you. He included you in lot of the Disney stuff as you mentioned above. I think it was like you said, he wanted to be close to Disney. Gee I remember what should have taken maybe a half hour to drive ended up taking 2 hours or more. It makes sense.

I think maybe just saying that you were checking the account, saw the charge and wondered why he didn't mention it. No emotion, no accusation so that he won't go on the defensive.

You do need to decide where you want this to go at some point though.

love ya, kat

[MichelleLT]

No, you make the everyday decisions just fine. But the scary ones, well, scare you.

This is not a big deal. It is an opportunity to lay a boundary with him.

To be calm and not accusing, to present your issue so that he can hear it (even if he doesn't agree right away).

Just put it out there. I know you lied to me about staying at your mom's. I was checking some bill stuff, saw the charge and wondered why you didn't mention it. If you want to go beyond that, throw something in about because of what happened the last couple years, this caused me some anxiety. In order to avoid that in the future, I would like you to tell me about things like that in advance. And set the boundary, I want a relationship with open and honest communication and will not settle for less.

No need to do it tonight either. I don't think in the car on the way back from the airport would be good, he'll probably be tired and jet-lagged. Maybe tomorrow? Or after you get settled at home?

[kat727]

So what did you do?

kat

[mishka422]

Not sure I handled this in the 'correct' way but I feel good about it.

I picked him up (his flight was 15 minutes early so that put me in a bit of a rush) and the second he got in the car he leaned over and gave me a HUGE, long kiss and said he was so happy to be home. He's not an initiator so that was nice.

We just started chatting on the way and I talked about what he had done when he first got there last Wednesday (he was having family drama immediately with his sister who is a total fruitloop!). He then told me about Thursday and meeting up with his dad and his best friend and then going to his house to stay but then they decided to go have drinks that night and they ended up at a hotel near the bar they went to so they didn't have to drive home. He came out with that without me prompting him. I told him I must have misunderstood because I thought he was spending that night at his mom's. He said he had planned to but then after the drama and mess he didn't want to run into his sister again that day so he went with his friend (who also let him borrow an extra car so he could get around on his own).

I didn't need to confront him on anything, I didn't even lead him into it. He came out with that on his own and knowing what was going on with his family, it makes total sense.

I do plan to have a sit down with him very soon to discuss where this R is going. I can't be guessing about his intentions anymore. It's really starting to hurt my heart and my head!

Started weight watchers new plan this past weekend. I've blown it twice this week already. This time of year is IMPOSSIBLE to stay on track but it's better that I try otherwise I'll put on 10 pounds easily if I don't pay attention at least part of the time.

Tomorrow needs to be a holiday in our city! My son's high school is in the state championship football game for the first time in school history tomorrow night. They play in the Georgia Dome (where the Falcons play) at 8pm tomorrow night. The excitement is at a fever pitch now!!! GO PANTHERS!

[oldtimer]

Ahem missy...

You mentioned NOTHING about him having a very good reason for staying at a hotel (re Disney)... AHEM... Trying to get your own panties in a twist?

Anyway, at this point, I'd stick with NOT pursuing.

Look, he forgot about moving to California, he was there for you during your mom's illness, he was in constant contact missing you while he was in California, he came back loving and initiating.

Now is NOT the time to try to back him into a corner. Let him figure out what he wants on his own. Forcing an answer out of him will leave you BOTH unsure of what he really wants. Imagine a meek "yeah ok" from him after you force a response compared to "Mish, ILYSM, let's really be back together," coming from him on his own. GIVE HIM SPACE.

Imagine that this is a new R (it is, BTW). You get to this point in dating, he's all about you, pursuing you, missing you. You would NOT start demanding a promise ring or else, would you?

Prescription: Extend double-secret probation by two months, get back to me in the morning.