Although my WOW and I have no children, we do have three dogs. Since she left the house, we've been sharing the responsibility of walking and feeding the dogs. She typically comes by the house in the mornings to walk them and I walk them in the evenings. I feed them after their evening walk.
This was our best option, at first, because the apartment she moved to couldn't accommodate the dogs; the yard wasn't fenced. Now that the yard is fenced, I'm reconsidering my options:
On the one hand, seeing her in the morning has given us the opportunity to interact with each other in a positive way. She has noticed and commented on how I have changed; she can see, on a daily bases, that I maintain a clean orderly house; and she has taken the opportunity to spend some time, linger, and renew our friendship.
On the other hand, there is a dark side to this arrangement. On those occasions, when she spends the night with OM, she simply doesn't show up in the morning. This happens at least once a week (usually Sunday mornings) and serves as a constant reminder to me of her infidelity.
At times, I feel like her enabler. She doesn't need to take full responsibility for the dogs because I'm there to feed them and walk them at her convenience. My "being there" gives her the freedom to spend time with OM.
Originally, it was our plan to split the dogs up. In which case, she would take full responsibility for one or two and I for the remainder. Obviously, we would have fewer occasions to interact with this arrangement and, in the end, may result in her giving up the dogs.
This is a difficult choice for me to make. During the week, when she is not with OM, she can be very sweet. She makes me feel like there is hope for us. She tells me how much she misses me; that she is confused, but still loves me very much and she talks about making a fresh start.... But when she is in contact with OM, she turns cold, like a completely different person.
My goal is to rebuild my friendship with my wife. Some day, she will lose her fascination with OM. When the time is right, she will know that I am her better choice. But, while I'm working on myself and changing my past behavior, I don't want her to lose respect for me.
Here is the big question... would my goals be better served by "cutting the rope," putting more space between us and letting her understand her loss? Or should I be more patient and just keep doing what's working?
From all of the posts and advice I've read here I think that would be called "CakeEating". The fact that she gets that "friend" time with you when she wants, and she can buck her responsibility with the dogs when it suits her because you'll pick up her slack.
I'm sure the recommendation would be "cut the rope", but I'm not sure if I would be able to if the same thing happened to me. Also, it would be tougher for her to see your changes and thus believe you've really changed.
I think the best thing to do would be to find a way to maintain the friendship but not allow her to buck her responsibilities.
If she was to take 1 or 2 of the dogs, would she still feel obligated or inclined to come over on occasion to see or walk the dog(s) that are your responsibility?
Just a thought.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
What if you just left the house/room when she comes over? You suddenly have to run an errand, take a walk, use the bathroom. You can even tell her, "Hey, I'm sorry, but as long as you are continuing to engage with OM, I can't be your friend. I appreciate you walking the dogs, but I can't sit and chat with you afterward."
Your W is doing this to reassure herself that you'll be there when/if the bottom falls out. Even if she actually feels the things she's saying, it is manipulative. If you want to drop the rope, then do it. It doesn't take sending her the dogs to do it. I did it with my H living in the downstairs bedroom. I just lived my life separately, as if he was a roommate. Any interactions he initiated with me were met with politeness, but I kept them short and gave him lots of space. He'd come up to watch TV, and I'd go into my bedroom to surf the net or watch a movie. He'd asked for space...so I gave it to him.
Want to drop the rope? Just be less available...physically and emotionally.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
This sitch just infuriates me. I understand that the goal is to save the marriage and I am completely on board with that. But having a spouse that is seeing other people IS NO LONGER A SPOUSE. It is the ultimate in disrespect. I set the following boundary with my W:
I understand that you are not in love the way you once were. But if you continue the EA then you need to leave the house. And I will proceed to file for D that same day. We can work on building intimacy and love in your time line and I will give you space but I WILL NOT live in a marriage of 3 people.
She then agreed to end the EA and I believe they have not contacted one another since 11/8/2010. Things are still not perfect but at least she is respecting that boundary and things HAVE gotten better MUCH since I will not tolerate her giving her emotional side to OM. She CAN NOT connect with me if she has OM to connect with.
She CAN NOT and WILL NOT have all the benefits of ME (like taking care of her financially) AND all the benefits of enjoying the excitement of "new love" which if we are all honest with one another we ALL WOULD LIKE to feel, but realize that the warmth and security of a long-term commitment are far more rewarding than are EA's and PA's in which people selfishly "live in the moment".
Moral of the story... If there is OM, then there is no "me" in any way, shape or form...
Just me opinion...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
BTW, right now my W and I are reading "Surrendering to Marriage" together every night in bed. Its a great book and comes from the perspective of a woman. It is a pro-marriage book and I recomend it to any WAS or LBS. It was recomended to my W by her IC. After we finished I will get another pro-marriage book to read together. From there I'm hoping to read books that will allow better communication by understanding the differences between men and women (maybe "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"). We'll see...
Keep in mind that my W and I have not kissed or ML in months but we hug every now and then, still sleep in the same bed, and have started to talk of our future life and future vacations. And I feel we are in a positive direction. The EA and the drug released because of it really messed her up. And I still feel she is morning the loss... But I also sense that it has gotten much better and feel she thinks of him less. That WILL NOT happen if she continues to see/text/talk/email OM.
Stay focused. But set that boundary... And once that boundary has been set, stand firm! There is no room for OP in a marriage!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
For the record, WAW tells me that there is no OM. I know better; I can feel his presence between us.
Yes, ScaredinCanada, my wife is "CakeEating." I have to remind myself, however, that her affair is not the cause of our marriage problems; it is merely a symptom of years of being unhappy and lonely. When she left our marriage, she had no intention of coming back. OM is nothing more than a cheap band-aid; when it gets wet, it will fall off on its own.
One never knows for sure, but I believe that if I were to limit contact or go dark, I would probably have the opposite results from others here. I feel that putting distance between us, would only serve to chase her away. She needs time to discover and accept the fact that we may still have a future together.
When she came for the dogs this morning, I told her that I was considering my plans for Christmas. Friends of mine have invited me to spend the holidays with them in a small beach town where they have a vacation house. I told my wife that I was considering their offer, but I needed to consult with her regarding the dogs. I asked her if she could take full responsibility for them that week?
If so, we may have struck some kind of balance in our friendship that will help us build trust. If what we have is an open marriage, then I should add a girlfriend to the mix. Rather than a threesome, we can have a foursome. Who knows? I'm learning that I can accept different outcomes that I hadn't considered possible only a few month ago.
