He wants "himself" not me....

[Young at Heart]

..... So I called him and told him "I'm going to the counseling appointment today with you or without you...it's up to you". He said "is it the sex appointment?" I said yes and he said "I'll go....I'm looking forward to it so we can mend this". My response was "I hope so".

This is wonderful that he wants to go, that he wants to "mend" your relationship, that he is "looking forward to this." Focus on those thoughts for a while and think about the message that he was trying to send you with those words. He cares about you and your relationship. Focus on that, rather than your anger toward him.

Now ask yourself about your response of "I hope so." Was it meant in a way that was geared toward building your relationship? Was it a response showing him your anger and needs? If it was a heartfelt, "yes, thank goodness we are in this together and I appreciate your going," could it have been misinterpreted by him?

You might at your therapy session some time ask the therapist about such interactions and ask the therapist help you understand what your husband is hearing from you, by using some real world conversation examples. The two of you may be talking past each other and hurting each other unintentionally. I know that happened a lot between my wife an myself when our marriage was at a low point. I also learned that even when I thought all the problems were caused by my wife, that I was doing things or reacting in ways that were destructive to our relationship. I believe that in almost all marital problems both partners share (althought it can be in different percentages) some of the responsibility for the problems.

.....Soooo..I'm not going to expect much because when I do I end up disappointed. He frequently has one attitude about things and then as time passess he changes his mind. It will be interesting to see what his mood is when I pick him up.

One of the things that the sex therapist did that helped my wife and myself was to help us visualize a healthy sex life and satisfying marriage and to understand how wonderful a healthy marriage was.

There is an old saying about visualizing success is as important as trying. They have done studies of athletes who visualize proper technique and winning their events. It is a very powerful technique toward making success happen.

In your words above, you are potentially visualizing failure or at most not fully committing to the change process you are embarking upon. Your words are also trying to "distance" yourself from the potential disppointment of failure. I can understand not wanting to be hurt as a natural protective mechanism. However, if your really want to mend your relationship with him, then you should work on looking at your glass as half full and visualizing the joy of a happy marriage and the fun of getting to know him and falling in love again with your husband. Words and images have meaning and can create new realities.

Again, take joy in the fact that he is going to be there with you, that he is looking forward to mending your relationship. Focus on the positives. It is hard, but important.

Good luck.