New here, looking for help.

[sandi2]

I don't consider it pursuing if two arms accidently touch when sitting at the movies. Now, if you had put your arm around her...that would have been a sign of pursuing. The back-rub....hummmm, that could be debatable,but I think it's one of those smaller things right now and for you not to worry and save your energy for the bigger stuff.

I believe your stitch has so many positive signs, and having fun between the two of you seems to be your strong area. Allow that area of strength in the R to grow and over-shadow the weaker area for now. Don't get to a place you are afraid of accidently brushing up against her. That's not good when you are trying to live by the book or board avise to the point you can't relax.

Okay, so the two of you are having a good evening, laughing, kidding around, and then wham.....she brings up the R. How do you respond when she does that? This particular time you seem to sense that you needed to listen to her and not advoid her and continue to kid around. That's good. I think when women are through kidding around for the evening and wants to discuss something serious, it would be a mistake to try to joke her out of it.

Does your W have....what I call a "big" personality? When she gets with friends, she laughs too loud and talks too loud and she seems to even draw attention from the folks sitting at the other table. I know some people like that and it can be embarrassing when it's your S. And, still being a double standard society to much extent.......it seems to be more embarrassing when it is a woman who's too loud. Men? Well.....their men, but some people still expect a woman to act like a "lady" with grace, poise, and charm......and do it quietly. (LOL)

I have an aunt that can be heard across a circus when she's talking and laughing. My mother taught her girls to be lady-like and I think we did a pretty good job. But I would feel so sorry for my cousin who had the loud mother-- b/c she just wants to dig a hole and hide when in public. Now,my aunt couldn't care less what anyone thought about her loud ways. I do not think she is attractive and my uncle's face turns red and he tries to look the other way....as if to say, "I'm not with this woman". She is very over-bearing and has the floor wherever they go.

OTOH, your W might not fully realize how loud she's being. Was it a touchy subject? Here's something that I got coming very strong from your post. She feels that you aren't accepting her for who she is. She feels a lack of love when you disapprove or reject her. You do love her and you are seeking answers now b/c you want to show her how much you love her.

The key thing i got from the conversation was that she feels that I dont love her the way I should and that I dont fully accept her b/c she knows theres things I dont like about her; specifically her loud side.

I think this is a MAJOR breakthough!

Was she like this when you first dated her? If she's become this way "after" M, then it could be her way of trying to get an emotional need met.

[MisterHopeful]

"BIG PERSONALITY", thank you!! That puts a friendlier face on it.

And yes, she's always been this way. I've just always overlooked it for the most part, but at times i've kinda laughed it off and asked her to quiet down a lil.

[MisterHopeful]

She had her alone session on Friday with the therapist. The normal 40 min session turned into an hour. She'd been dreading going all week, said she'd not tell this stranger a lot of things about her past. When she came out I could tell she'd been crying. Asked her in the car if she wanted to talk about it... she said "No, not right now". So I drove on, and about a min or two later she started spilling it all out. Sounds like she told her just about everything. That made me happy b/c I was afraid the therapist wouldn't have an accurate picture of her without some of that key info.

Going through periods of feeling depressed though and some short periods where I just feel really strong and empowered. Oddly, the times i'm feeling strong/empowered are moments where I'm realizing I dont NEED my wife to be happy. That I can be happy outside of our M. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. I like the feeling though.

[sandi2]

Oddly, the times i'm feeling strong/empowered are moments where I'm realizing I dont NEED my wife to be happy. That I can be happy outside of our M. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. I like the feeling though.

Don't you think that feeling would come about when you begin to return to the man you use to be before M? It is a good sign. It means that you are not co-depenant on her to have a life and be happy.

I bet she will start seeing other traits in you that were there when she fell in love with you. That is you goal, right? She will respond more positive when that guy shows up!

Good job at showing interest in her feelings and yet not pressuring her.

[MisterHopeful]

A little stuck on something. We see the counselor together tomorrow and I'm not quite sure how to respond to the question..."How are you doing?", because right now I'm kinda feeling hurt. My wife has a client who regularly goes to a nightclub "with his wife" to support their daughter who fights at the nightclub's Mixed Martial Arts events. This saturday is one of those and my wife was invited to come meet with them, have drinks, watch the fight... it's something she and I have discussed doing in the past but never got around to doing it. Basically when I asked If she'd mind if i tagged along b/c I'd love to see it. She said she'd like to go this one alone. Also, she just found out her company Xmas party is next Friday and mentioned if I was invited to that she said "not this time", she's going to tailgate in the parking lot before the Xmas party with coworker and probably her coworker's husband...

So, not feeling terribly positive at the moment. And not sure what to say when/if the Therapist asks me how i'm doing.....

[MisterHopeful]

I think I've talked myself out of mentioning that I'm "hurt" by recent actions. Still not sure if it's the right thing though to act as if in front of therapist but I think that's what I'll be doing.