Journaling…. Sooooo much happened the last couple days both within me and with my H in MLC wonderland too. I’m trying to journal it because I feel like I have made some big jumps the last couple of days. Bear with me, ‘cause I have A LOT of stuff to journal. I’ll try to break it up a bit though.
First off, I realized why I got so angry and defensive with my H about him paying for so much on our shopping trip. He wasn’t being totally unreasonable, but it struck a nerve. I didn’t like the caretaking issue it brought back into our R. My H loves to play the sugar daddy. I remember when we were dating it was always a sore spot for me then too.
H likes to pay for everything; it’s his way of ‘taking care’ of people and showing off. I hated when we were dating because I felt like he was trying to make me out to be needy and get me to depend on him. He would sometimes even make little comments about how he ‘had to help me out’ because I couldn’t make it without him.
Back then, I learned only to let him pay for ‘fun’ stuff or to split costs. It was my way of demanding respect from him. It was my way of proving I was independent.
During those early dating years I managed to pay off the debt left by my XH and pay my share of the bills, even after we married. Current H (STBXH #2?) never made any real progress on paying off his own debts, not till years later and after our first separation and reconciliation. At that time we combined accounts and I set up a tracker for us to pay off the debt.
For the most part I had forgotten about his love of spending. When we had a joint account he curbed his spending a lot. Maybe that was because it was our money, not just his. This worked pretty well for a long time. When I became a stay at home mom though, that changed.
It was subtle at first, but it grew. I no longer felt like an equal. A lot of this was my own internal feelings, but I can see now how my H treated me differently too. Running a daycare from my home didn’t seem to change that dynamic, even though I was earning money. I felt better about contributing, but my H didn’t seem to see it as real work. It is one reason that going back to a 9-5 type job after the bomb helped me so much. It also impressed my H that I was able to go to my old job and they basically made a position for me, even though they have a hiring freeze in effect.
Now that he has his own account and credit card, he has gone back to the same behavior. Living on credit, paying for everything… he didn’t skip a beat. The sugar daddy was back.
The problem this creates for me is one of boundaries. It is right and appropriate that H contribute because of our D, and without some sort of child support I will not be able to pay my bills. Even with the minimum amount I am guaranteed to get in a divorce I will be struggling. The danger is that H loves to play the giver, then blames the people he ‘gives’ to when he overdoes it. He also uses this to justify when he ‘takers.’ After all, he ‘deserves it’ because of how much he ‘gave’ before. This is a pattern with him in a lot of areas, not just money.
So here is where I am right now… On H wanting to pay for daycare, great, no problem there. That is totally 100% caring for our daughter. No conflicts on that or anything like it that may pop up later.
He paid the whole bill on our shopping trip the other day. It included clothes for D, some things for him, gifts for his family and some work clothes for me too. I had expected to split the bill. Nope, there he was with that brand new credit card, ready to go. His justification for paying everything was that he had been using the joint account to buy gas. True, and the gas and money he spent really doesn’t come close to my portion of that receipt, even counting part of the gifts are supposed to be from both of us. Basically I think I did ok. I made him justify it. H essentially had to label it as paying me back and not caretaking that could later pop up as martyrdom. I could have been less defensive, and will work on that. This time took me by surprise though.
On the iPhone, I think I am ok right now too. I made it clear I did not NEED it and had a plan to handle it on my own. He was clear that he WANTED to get this for me. So long as he understands he is giving me a gift because he wants to, I can say thank you and enjoy it.
As far as H spending money he doesn’t have, I am dropping the rope. Not my problem. If H stays true to old patterns, he will try to take all the debt with him in a divorce. On the off chance he came home, we can deal with it then. As of now, there is no indication he is even thinking about it.
H is going to spend money. If he wants to spend it on his daughter and on me, fine. There may be less money for OW that way too. Of course he may just do both and pile up crazy amounts of debt, but again, that’s not my problem.
It will be a balancing act, but I do believe I can do this as long as I keep in mind the dangers here. Gifts can be ok, but money has power and control implications with my H. Setting firm boundaries and refusing to let H put me into the role of needy and helpless will be the key here.
