Got to add that I hope H makes it through for our D3 also. She deserves to have a stable father. She is sad so much more now. She doesn't deserve to have her family torn apart.
Have decided my Christmas gift to myself is to set up my art area and start painting again. Always was the best therapy I ever had. Art was central to my identity, and I lost it.
my h would suddenly do projects that had waited for years OR to mow the lawn and maniacally do yard work the weekends he visited. It was hyper and odd but it kept him busy and he appeared to feel better about himself when he'd do this.
Before that, we had stretched to buy a nicer house than I was comfortable with but HE said he wanted to go for it, (an unusual pattern for us, never happened before or since) and 10 weeks after the purchase, announced he was going "up the road to do a year long fellowship" (300 miles "up the road AND a 90% pay cut)....Rational behavior? Not to me.
I think he felt great about setting us all up in a huge house, and THEN he dropped the bomb. IF there was any logic to it, I think it was to appease his conscience. Whereas I had seen the house as a reassuring commitment to the area and family, naturally. Ooops. I was wrong.
He seems to still resent the house even as we are having it painted and fixed up nicely before the holidays. Work we had promised we'd do 5 years ago..better late than never. I hope! I will make sure I praise HIM for working to pay for my "general contracting" Since he never witnessed the repairs and stress of what I went thru when we did the internal renovation, all I can do is say "thanks" for working hard to pay for it. In an ideal world, we would pcik these things out together, but hey, do many men like looking at paint chips and outdoor light fixtures??? (IF there's a STRAIGHT dream guy out there who does this stuff, and I'm ever single, I WANT HIM!!)
You're perfectly right to enjoy what he does give you and your D without ANY expectations of more. IPhone? Great. Enjoy meeting your new peeps with it....as long as he can't track it....But sadly, What he has SAID is that he wants a divorce. If he has not retracted that, then that's that. Sorry honey, but that's reality.
And btw, I would not be shocked if he wanted physical intimacy or it comes up sort of naturally, on Christmas Eve, etc...be ready for whatever you feel okay with. It's a VERY personal decision.
No matter what, be ready to show your most pleasant self too b/c if it's your last Christmas as a family, build good memories for HIM and D to reflect on later. Esp him, (since she's so young....) HE'll want to justify his departure and he'll search his memory banks for negative recollections. But the new content zen, will NOT Fuel any negatives...oh no. Only positives and NO ANGER shown to him...nope. You are going to be a serene mother enjoying a Christmas with her growing little girl who's increasingly happy for these experiences. And you too! Santa, presents, it's great!! Enjoy that. Let him see what he'll be missing soon b/c THIS Christmas no doubt, will be the last one you all can act as a happy family, UNLESS HE CHANGES.... this is what he'll be losing. Make the memories good ones so when they resurface, and they will, it'll make him wince. It's only when his discomfort with his loss & where his life is heading, OUTWEIGHS his discomfort with truly changing himself, that you and he have a chance.
You're doing well, Zen, even if it is 2 steps forward and one back...still progress, still growth for you. And it does get better, no matter what. Have faith.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh my gosh Zen, that is great. Get it out, paint away! What sort of things do you like to paint? What type of painting?
Once upon a time I did 'abstract expressionism'. Verry messy, and verry big. Loved it, even had a scholarship to go to a good art college. Passed it up to stay home and help my mom. It was a big part of me, and I miss it.
In an ideal world, we would pick these things out together, but hey, do many men like looking at paint chips and outdoor light fixtures??? (IF there's a STRAIGHT dream guy out there who does this stuff, and I'm ever single, I WANT HIM!!)
LOL! House repairs and renovations were always one of our favorite ‘couple’ activities. Browsing the aisles at Home Depot was a nice way to kill time together. He is straight, but I don’t know when he plans to be single.
Quote:
You're perfectly right to enjoy what he does give you and your D without ANY expectations of more. IPhone? Great. Enjoy meeting your new peeps with it....as long as he can't track it....
Hadn’t thought of the tracking…
I decided today to let go on the money issues. If he digs himself into a hole of debt, I can’t stop him. He also SHOULD be helping support our daughter. There is a lot to this money issue, much more than I realized before.
Quote:
But sadly, What he has SAID is that he wants a divorce. If he has not retracted that, then that's that. Sorry honey, but that's reality.
Yeah, he hasn’t retracted. I’ll admit I still have a bit of hope, but I’m not expecting it anymore. He is nowhere near coming out of this.
Quote:
And btw, I would not be shocked if he wanted physical intimacy or it comes up sort of naturally, on Christmas Eve, etc...be ready for whatever you feel okay with. It's a VERY personal decision.
And that is a decision I am avoiding. I really don’t know what I want as far as intimacy goes, so I am not leaving open any opportunity. H hasn’t asked to stay Christmas night and I haven’t offered. I don’t feel ok with it right now, but that is a whole ‘nother story.
Christmas Eve will be at his sister’s house, not here. He is coming over the next morning to see D open her gifts. I will have my 3 year old chaperone with me at all times.
Quote:
No matter what, be ready to show your most pleasant self too b/c if it's your last Christmas as a family, build good memories for HIM and D to reflect on later. Esp him, (since she's so young....) HE'll want to justify his departure and he'll search his memory banks for negative recollections. But the new content zen, will NOT Fuel any negatives...oh no. Only positives and NO ANGER shown to him...nope. You are going to be a serene mother enjoying a Christmas with her growing little girl who's increasingly happy for these experiences. And you too! Santa, presents, it's great!! Enjoy that. Let him see what he'll be missing soon b/c THIS Christmas no doubt, will be the last one you all can act as a happy family, UNLESS HE CHANGES.... this is what he'll be losing. Make the memories good ones so when they resurface, and they will, it'll make him wince.
That is EXACTLY what I plan to do. This is the first year ever that I get to say how it goes. Every other year we have been swallowed up in holiday obligations to his family. I love them, but H complained all season (and every season) about the big fuss, and I did all the work. He usually managed to make me cry at least once every year too.
Quote:
It's only when his discomfort with his loss & where his life is heading, OUTWEIGHS his discomfort with truly changing himself, that you and he have a chance.
Funny thing, but H gets less and less comfortable in the life HE has chosen to live. But me? I’m getting more comfortable every day in a situation I never wanted.
Quote:
You're doing well, Zen, even if it is 2 steps forward and one back...still progress, still growth for you. And it does get better, no matter what. Have faith.
Thanks 25, and it is getting better. Didn’t get tit down yet, but today was better for me. Much better.
Journaling…. Sooooo much happened the last couple days both within me and with my H in MLC wonderland too. I’m trying to journal it because I feel like I have made some big jumps the last couple of days. Bear with me, ‘cause I have A LOT of stuff to journal. I’ll try to break it up a bit though.
First off, I realized why I got so angry and defensive with my H about him paying for so much on our shopping trip. He wasn’t being totally unreasonable, but it struck a nerve. I didn’t like the caretaking issue it brought back into our R. My H loves to play the sugar daddy. I remember when we were dating it was always a sore spot for me then too.
H likes to pay for everything; it’s his way of ‘taking care’ of people and showing off. I hated when we were dating because I felt like he was trying to make me out to be needy and get me to depend on him. He would sometimes even make little comments about how he ‘had to help me out’ because I couldn’t make it without him.
Back then, I learned only to let him pay for ‘fun’ stuff or to split costs. It was my way of demanding respect from him. It was my way of proving I was independent.
During those early dating years I managed to pay off the debt left by my XH and pay my share of the bills, even after we married. Current H (STBXH #2?) never made any real progress on paying off his own debts, not till years later and after our first separation and reconciliation. At that time we combined accounts and I set up a tracker for us to pay off the debt.
For the most part I had forgotten about his love of spending. When we had a joint account he curbed his spending a lot. Maybe that was because it was our money, not just his. This worked pretty well for a long time. When I became a stay at home mom though, that changed.
It was subtle at first, but it grew. I no longer felt like an equal. A lot of this was my own internal feelings, but I can see now how my H treated me differently too. Running a daycare from my home didn’t seem to change that dynamic, even though I was earning money. I felt better about contributing, but my H didn’t seem to see it as real work. It is one reason that going back to a 9-5 type job after the bomb helped me so much. It also impressed my H that I was able to go to my old job and they basically made a position for me, even though they have a hiring freeze in effect.
Now that he has his own account and credit card, he has gone back to the same behavior. Living on credit, paying for everything… he didn’t skip a beat. The sugar daddy was back.
The problem this creates for me is one of boundaries. It is right and appropriate that H contribute because of our D, and without some sort of child support I will not be able to pay my bills. Even with the minimum amount I am guaranteed to get in a divorce I will be struggling. The danger is that H loves to play the giver, then blames the people he ‘gives’ to when he overdoes it. He also uses this to justify when he ‘takers.’ After all, he ‘deserves it’ because of how much he ‘gave’ before. This is a pattern with him in a lot of areas, not just money.
So here is where I am right now… On H wanting to pay for daycare, great, no problem there. That is totally 100% caring for our daughter. No conflicts on that or anything like it that may pop up later.
He paid the whole bill on our shopping trip the other day. It included clothes for D, some things for him, gifts for his family and some work clothes for me too. I had expected to split the bill. Nope, there he was with that brand new credit card, ready to go. His justification for paying everything was that he had been using the joint account to buy gas. True, and the gas and money he spent really doesn’t come close to my portion of that receipt, even counting part of the gifts are supposed to be from both of us. Basically I think I did ok. I made him justify it. H essentially had to label it as paying me back and not caretaking that could later pop up as martyrdom. I could have been less defensive, and will work on that. This time took me by surprise though.
On the iPhone, I think I am ok right now too. I made it clear I did not NEED it and had a plan to handle it on my own. He was clear that he WANTED to get this for me. So long as he understands he is giving me a gift because he wants to, I can say thank you and enjoy it.
As far as H spending money he doesn’t have, I am dropping the rope. Not my problem. If H stays true to old patterns, he will try to take all the debt with him in a divorce. On the off chance he came home, we can deal with it then. As of now, there is no indication he is even thinking about it.
H is going to spend money. If he wants to spend it on his daughter and on me, fine. There may be less money for OW that way too. Of course he may just do both and pile up crazy amounts of debt, but again, that’s not my problem.
It will be a balancing act, but I do believe I can do this as long as I keep in mind the dangers here. Gifts can be ok, but money has power and control implications with my H. Setting firm boundaries and refusing to let H put me into the role of needy and helpless will be the key here.
Funny thing, but H gets less and less comfortable in the life HE has chosen to live. But me? I'm getting more comfortable every day in a situation I never wanted.
Yep, that's pretty much how it works.
Karma is a funny thing.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
It does seems to be looking that way for my H right now.
************* Journaling yet again… Last night H asked me to get D from daycare. He said he could still make it before the daycare closed, but he knew I liked to get the extra time with D instead of letting her sit at daycare just up the street from me. He would come get her as soon as he could.
He sounded frazzled, so I asked if he was ok. Said he had had a really bad day. His boss had yelled at him as soon as he walked in and he had to deal with the building inspector and the fire marshal all day. He was almost 3 hours late getting out.
He went on to say his sister had been at his mom & dad’s place with her kids waiting for him to get off for a couple hours. Dinner was waiting and it would be almost time for his sister to leave by the time he got there with D. He was kind of rambling. Also said he just didn’t want to have another night of D crying, and he didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to see D, but I also want to do as much as I can to give her little world some predictability. I offered to pick her up and take her straight to his parent’s house. H has not wanted me over for their dinner night, so I didn’t ask to stay. Instead I told him I had some errands to run, and it wasn’t out of my way.
He seemed to hesitate, so I told him I told him it was his choice. If he didn’t WANT me to drop her at his parent’s it was fine, but he had to let me know. He said he was sorry he was just so frazzled, thanked me, and said that would help out a lot.
I picked D up, turned off the radio, and just chatted with her the whole drive. Also went over the ‘new plan’ several times (especially my exit) till she seemed ok with everything.
Drop off went great. I got to say a quick ‘hi’ to everyone, but didn’t ask to stay. H thanked me several times and gave me a couple hugs. Asked about my errands and looked kind of confused and sad. I left feeling pretty good and D didn’t cry at all when I left. The whole thing went well as far as I was concerned. D even sounded happy when I called for goodnights.
There was one very interesting note on the evening. While I was there, I overheard H talking with his younger sister. Younger SIL’s H is half-owner of the restaurants my H will be working for. The other half-owner is the head chef and the one who yelled at H this morning.
Basically, H was complaining about chef/owner always being on his case. When H got in that morning chef/owner demanded to know why he was there. He then chewed H out for being in the back of the restaurant talking to the 2 hostesses the other night. H claimed he was telling them to get back to work. H said that chef/owner was completely unjustified in yelling at him. (Knowing what a chatty flirt my H can be, I think there is another side to that story, but it’s just a hunch.)
SIL said that is just how chef/owner is, nothing personal. He is a bit of a bully and likes to yell and get his way with everyone. I think that she is right, but I also think there is more to it.
H is supposed to be managing the new location when it opens, but I noticed the web site lists BIL as the manager, not H. H’s name isn’t anywhere on there. Further, H generally seems out of the loop on plans for the opening and other key issues. Because of my job, I also know that all orders are going through the main location and there are no plans for that to change either.
All that adds up to H having much less responsibility and control than he has told me he would have. He tries to paint a picture about how great things are going, but it just doesn’t fit.
It sounds to me like chef/owner doesn’t like or respect H at all. Maybe he is finding out he hired one person but got someone very different. Back when H was hired on he was a hard working and dependable family man. But now?
Well… if H is anything at his job like he has been to me, then now is a whole different story.
He told me once that he felt this was his ‘last opportunity to grow up and be a success’ and that he had to make this work.
I’m working hard to let go on this. It’s just like watching a train wreck in slow-motion. Even though I know there is nothing I can or should do, I still worry about him.
I’m working hard to let go on this. It’s just like watching a train wreck in slow-motion. Even though I know there is nothing I can or should do, I still worry about him.
I hear you loud and clear on this one sista! When will it come to a screeching halt???
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I hear you loud and clear on this one sista! When will it come to a screeching halt???
Goodness, I sure wish I knew! At least I'm not on it anymore. Not sure if I'm far enough away to not get hurt, but I'm off the train now.
Had a good night with D. Deciding if I want to stay up or go to sleep now. H wanted to drop off my new phone tonight. JUST got D to fall asleep, so I may just grab a book and snuggle up on the couch. He should get here soon and I'll wake up then anyway.
