Partner left after 9 yrs - reconciled now married!

[AliSuddenly]

So me and H had a chat about the past last night. I have wanted to talk to him for months but what with getting married, fertility treatments and being pregnant there just never seemed the right time. He didnt think we needed to, but I said that there were still things I didnt understand about the past and I needed to before we had kids.

He was then happy to talk to me, although he still finds it hard. I said what bothers me is that he has never admitted that contact with her came before he left and that that may have been a catalyst.. as there must have been chemistry as it is too much of a coincidence that he ended up dating her (she was in a LTR but he once said that she ended it with her BF to be with him, he forgot he had told me this!) When I said this, he conceeded there was attraction there but any thoughts of being with her were unconcious and it wasnt a factor in him leaving.

He said that he felt as though "his mind was imploding" at the time he left. He was very dismissive of the R.. as though it was just a huge mistake and she was nothing to him. I said she cant of been.. I had said I still dont know how much contact he has with her at work, he said zero. But he did have alot before? He said, oh but I used to invent reasons to go to her office to see her boss when he could have phoned instead.. this upset me of course. He admitted there was "a newness, an excitement" in the beginning, but that he was still in a very bad place at that time, even then and besides, just because it was new and different didnt mean that that was based on anything, there was no substance, it isnt something that lasts.

As to why he didnt come back to me, then or even sooner, despite still loving me... he said, it was like I was stubborn, I dug my heels in stupidly not that it was right or the best thing for me, it was just pig headedness and also.. because I am slow, it takes me a long time to work through things emotionally, I'm slow to make decisions and even slower to act on them. As to why he left - I felt not listened to...when we did up the flat, I didnt want to and I felt used and like my feelings were ignored, but looking back it was my bad state of mind at the time that made me leave. Doing up the flat against my wishes (which took 6 weeks) was not enough justication to leave you.

I noticed he cannot refer to her, by name or even "she" or "her" at all. I said I know from my EA how dreadful the guilt is and you KNOW you are behaving badly, so I handled that by keeping it secret and contained from 'real life'.. he said he still doesnt know the extent of my EA (so it still bothers him, years later!). I said I find it hard that he went public with her, he even took her to meet his Mum! He said "..there was pressure there..to do that" Same with the skiing trip, his brother asked him and "when that was offered.. there was pressure.. because that was what was wanted". He said he was weak and a "yes" man and thats why these things happened.

This worries me. How can he have been so weak and so much of a yes man to be co-erced into things seemingly against his will... JUST LIKE WHEN HE DID UP THE FLAT WITH ME! At the time, I thought he was happy to do it. Perhaps Helen mistakenly also thought he was happy to take her to meet family and friends. He just didnt express his true feelings about it. Is her really over this behaviour?

I wouldnt say we ever Pieced, we just took up where we left off, but with no longer taking each other for granted and with more love and openness.. but even though we have pieced, are married and expecting, I can honestly say I am not "past it". It still bothers me. In fact, it bothers me now more than ever! I think this is because I was just so excited and frankly grateful to be back with him that first year, that its only now things have truly settled down that I can feel anger and resentful for what he did to me. Although, I do have it in perspective now and its not painful anymore.

After my EA, we separated for 5 months and then pieced but there was a point, a year later when I said, enough questions now. My BFF said we had papered over the cracks to some extent and I can see that we have done that now. When I was the protaganist, I was happy to leave it behind, but for him that was papered over. This time I am the one that feels its been papered over. So somehow we really need to talk it out until theres nothing left.

Sorry for long post.. just journalling really