Antonia, I haven't posted for a while - partly because this far on, I do have a very full and enjoyabe life.
There are therapists who do not buy in to MLC. However, there are also many who do, even if they do not use the same terminology that many use here. It becomes a sort of shorthand for us.
I think Holly's recent post said a lot of it. At this stage I can see that the journey was about me, and the person I have chosen to become in the face of what was a reat tragedy (as for so many here). I am not sure that the issue is about 'standing', it is a question of our learning to live alone, and become a whole person in our own right again. We were half of a pair, and our wholly understandable response is to replace that. It is what society is telling us too.
I agree that detachment is a key need. Once we largely detach (and it is well nigh impossible to do it quickly) we are less hurt. We can observe what is going on, and we can continue to love the person. There is nothing wrong in that
Someone on one of your previous threads asked me why I was so concerned with defining what MLC was - I think the poster also did not 'buy in' to the concept. It was a very good question, and I have been thinking about it for a while, on and off. (But left it too long to reply (pressure of enjoying life is my excuse).
There are a number of reasons why people leave their spouses. MLC is a reason. It doesn't actually mean that the marriage was a bad one, and that we were unsatisfactory as spouses. As I understand it MLC is mainly about something cataclysmic that is happening to our partner, over which we have no control, and can do nothing about. It is their journey, and one from which they may not return. If they do they will be changed. I suspect some of the people who doubt it have not actually observed it, but something else. But I could be wrong! Although it appears to happen a lot because of our on line community, I am not sure that a full blown MLC is that common an occurence.
We can grow and mature, and come to see dispassionately what is happening in their life. It is an immature notion that we only love someone if they love us back. It is also dysfunctional if we remain fixated on them, so the object, I think, is to steer this balance between personal growth, and learning distance and compassion for them.
Along the way you may meet someone else - lots of people who come here do, and go on to have successful second relationships, others get back together. Some stay single because they like it, after a time. We all have the choice to become stronger and more grown up [I agree with Frank Pittman's view that we need to grow up as a society).
It can be hard, as well as stimulating, getting conflicting advice, and I would have found it difficult seeing a therapist who didn't think there was such a thing as MLC. My therapist didn't use the same words, but was very clear to him that what was happening to my h was a serious form of dysfunction, that he was deeply depressed, and sabotaging his own life, but that I could do nothing, but focus on me. He was clear that I was not the problem,and that at some level he could not access my husband still loved me deeply. This btw was the result of joint therapy, not what I had told the therapist, but my h discontinued the therapy as he found it too painful. I continued.
I conitnue to care for my husband, but days go by now when I don't think about him. I certainly never worry about what he is doing. I wish him well, and hope that one day he will be able to rebuild some of his key relationships that are shattered.
