My H & I were far from virgins when we married, but I was faithful to the man for over 20 years, so in a way . . . .
There is nothing wrong with either of you. For him, to say it made him feel weird as a guy is just that, an excuse. And his request? Sounds to me he just wants you waiting in the wings . . faithfully. Not a very even deal. Believe they call it cake eating? Funny how men demand faithfulness, but don't feel it is required of themselves. Working on a harem?
You are who you are and you deserve to feel special about that part of your life. Go slow and breath. It sounds to me like you will know when the right someone comes into your life that you want to share that with, and he'll be appreciative of that in you.
You know, I am angry that I wasted so much energy last week trying to figure out how to or whether to accept my H's friendship gestures. I think it was a fluke--like people say, where they come out of the fog but go back in. He spent 3 hours that one night talking to me via text and on the phone, sent me the Christmas check for $1000, to which I sent him through the mail a very short and sweet thank you note for thinking of me and the cats and wishing him a nice Christmas, then nothing, till today.
Today I get a text message from him saying "My lawyer will probably be so and so with such and such law firm" and "when can I come pick up my Christmas ornaments; I want to put up a small tree in my "loft."
(We had a tree before that had ornaments representing our hobbies that we collected over 19 years of marriage--I put up the tree but left the ornaments for his hobby off of it and told him he could have them if he wanted them. What he's calling a "loft" is just the bedroom he lives in at a friend's house.)
So while I didn't EXPECT anything from that gesture of friendship last week, it seems to me that all it was was that he had a night he was bored because he wasn't with the OW and he needed to kill time, so he filled it with me. Because a week later, with no word from him, we're right back to business only.
I just feel like I'm wasting energy trying to hang on to wanting him to "see the light" and come back. I don't think there is a snowball's chance in hell of it ever happening.
I want to list my profile on match.com because there is someone I'm interested in. But I also don't want to be a hypocrite. We are still legally married till maybe 2 weeks or less from now. So I'm in limbo.
I just don't see him ever coming out of this. I think the thing I"m calling an MLC fog or colossal mistake is something he has FULLY embraced now as his chosen path and he is happy with it, no matter what it did to me, no matter that it broke our vows, no matter that his rel. with her began in a sickening, morally corrupt way. One thing my H said always was that he was the "greatest actor who ever lived", that he could entirely hide his depression or bad moods so that I was never the wiser. I think he has pretending that things are great down to an art form, and half the time I feel like my progress and happiness with everything I've gained in my single life is only justifying or rationalizing to him that hurting me was WORTH IT, because he sees me FLOURISHING in my friendships and my career only SINCE he dumped me for her.
I know I'm rambling, just had to vent I guess. But every day, more and more I feel like I'm truly fooling myself if I think that what he has done will ever change. It's like I tell myself I can't get involved with someone else because of wanting to hold on to some hope that I can be with him SOME day, but I also think I'm delusional if I think he will ever come back.
Maybe I just married an a*shole and didn't know it till now ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I am angry that I wasted so much energy last week trying to figure out how to or whether to accept my H's friendship gestures.
Why are you angry? Did you not respond in a way that was GENUINE and TRUE to who YOU are ... without expectation (*cough ... ummm apparently not *cough)? Anger is a choice ... and for me, usually an indicator that maybe I wasn't quite real with myself. IE, maybe I said I did not have an expectation when really I did.
Originally Posted By: AntoniaB
I just feel like I'm wasting energy trying to hang on to wanting him to "see the light" and come back. I don't think there is a snowball's chance in hell of it ever happening.
Here's the meat of it ... we talk about moving forward and most of us do a really good job of GALing and 180s etc. But this is where we get stuck. Looking back at them. Wanting something from them. My very wise, very good friend Grit posted this to you and I think it's worth pondering... again ...
Originally Posted By: Grit
There is a little frustration a little anger.
The journey is not over yet for you I might suggest. Can you do this without regret?
Without it being a reaction to what H did or did not do?
When it is for YOU, you are free from that emotion.
You are moving through this. Trust yourself. Trust this process.
Keep diggin' girl ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Antonia - ...... I've been going through a similar disillusionment stage recently. I've been thinking that I'm not facing reality, I'm still waiting for him to wake up....I have to stop doing that....
Quote:
I think the thing I"m calling an MLC fog or colossal mistake is something he has FULLY embraced now as his chosen path and he is happy with it, no matter what it did to me, no matter that it broke our vows, no matter that his rel. with her began in a sickening, morally corrupt way
Yup, that describes it well...
You know, I don't see anything wrong with you pursuing another relationship if that's what you want....our marriages are just pieces of paper right now anyway....and who is to say that even if we find someone new that is going to last...and who is is to say that sometimes in the future when we both (H & I) live our lives separately (including dating other people) we will not find each other again....sometimes your realize what you had only after you loose it....but to come to that realization may take a long time.
Live your life for you Antonia....your H is living his
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I hate to say this, but your are in this for a very very long time.....ask God and see what he wants for you to do, what his will is in your life. As far as holding on to something that seems so hopeless, with God all things are possible.
Some in here probably think I am wasting my time waiting and praying for my husbands return, But I know that I know God has asked me to stand....only you can decide..as far as involving someone else but why would you???
Give it at least a yr. Why let someone else fall in love with YOU when your heart will still belong to your husband, now there will be another broken heart for this new person in this circle..just my 2cents worth.......hope all works out for you..
PEI I probably did have some expectation even if it was removed from my conscious thought--because that would generate an anger response.
I texted that he could get his ornaments tomorrow or Thurs after he is done working and he could let himself in and out with the hidden key. I don't want to see him in person. Not this close to the divorce being final. I don't trust myself not to get upset so I'm going to either stay late at work or run some errands before I come home.
He wrote back "you and the kitties are very welcome, btw." (in reference to my thank you note.). I said that most of the money was going to fix a house problem, but I got some small things for me, was going to shop for the cats on Thursday and wrap everything so we could enjoy opening gifts Christmas morning. (I have kittens--kittens LOVE 'opening' presents ;-)
He said "you're not going to either of your sister's for xmas?" I said I was going to the parents on the 26th but staying here on the 25th. He said "don't try to be tough. Enjoy your time off." I said "this is my home. I want to be here. I don't run away from things that might be tough anymore. Plus it might not be tough after all. And I have fun plans for over the holidays" So then he said he had to go run errands, and to take care of myself.
(as a side note my parents expect me to stay with them now every holiday--I did for T-giving--but I feel very childish doing it. I feel like I need to establish my own life/traditions as a single person in MY home. My parents are trying to "protect" me from harm in the way he always did and I am very bothered by giving in to that protection because I think I'll regress to the hugely vulnerable state I was in when he left).
Anyway, I am one of those people raised on Catholicism who fought it every step and gave it all up once I got out from under my parents and fluctuate between atheism and agnosticism. As in, when I'm desperate, I go back to praying, because it's automatic and memorized and works as a mantra to calm me. I can't say I'm a believer but I do it now pretty regularly with some hope that it will help. I hate being hypocritical and I don't want to offend anyone who is religious. So I resist. But then I do it anyway at night. I keep saying to myself, how is it that a marriage that was "sanctified" has been "allowed" to end this way? But you know my H was non-practicing his whole life--raised Christian by parents who never made him do the stuff mine made me do. So maybe the vows meant less to him. I had the commandments INGRAINED in me, he didn't.
Anyway I don't want to get into a big faith discussion but I guess that in my agnostic state I can admit I do pray and say thank you for what I have (all you guys included) and I keep asking to be shown the right path. I also admit that I have asked for "something" to happen that will show my H that the correct route is for us to reconcile--but I also don't know that I want that because it's the RIGHT thing to happen or if I want that because I'm afraid I'll never find another person.
I have no problem at all anymore being alone in the day to day world. It's when I think about a year, two years, five years, ten years from now, and still being alone, that I just feel panic and feel how "wrong" everything has gone.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
All of us has at one time or another tried to time travel ourselves into the future. First, it can't be done. Second, if it could, you really wouldn't want to, would you. You can't say, at the ripe old age of 41, that if this ends in divorce, you will end up a lonely, old, bitter woman with 39 cats that chases kids off her yard.
I know exactly what you mean. But looking back, some of the best parts of my life, the most memorable parts, came when I least expected it. Even with my stbxh. It usually comes right after you get that first cat. Lol
Glamgirl and punkin, my psychiatrist today said the same thing as you guys, and she gave me "homework", which was to put a renewed effort into thinking about H less and me more ;-) She said next time he texts wait a long time before responding. Even a day. She said he is not my priority and it's not "mean" if I don't get right back to him if the issue, as it always is, is NOT an emergency.
She suggested eharmony for dating. She REALLY wants me to drop the rope ;-) She said if there is any chance at friendship, it's YEARS away from now, but she has never been one to talk about standing for the marriage or bought into the MLC stuff at all. She just says that I must act as if it is clearly over for good and come to terms with it all and move on with my life.
I think like a lot of you I'm in this place where I'm not sure I should be trying to find someone to date, because I don't know if it's self-medicating or avoiding just learning to live alone, so until I feel less conflicted about that, I'm letting it up to fate.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Like JTB said in another post......someone else is going to get hurt......I think you need to heal more before dating again, you are still young you still have a life ahead of you.....why such a big rush to find another ??? let your heart heal first...just my 2 cents worth.....take care and God bless you
