wife preparing to leave me and kids

[blue2010]

My other thread was getting to long. My wife had an EA/PA it is over and no contact as far as I and OM spouse can tell for 2 plus weeks he told my W and txt her to leave him alone. She has been very angry. Yesterday she said she went to the courthouse and got papers so she could get her own mortgage she would not say if they were D papers. I can only assume that. She said we can agree or use lawyers. I initially asked so does this mean we are done, she did not respond. She says she needs her own space I have not been blocking that but she wants to buy it takes time. I am being nice and backed off. Then more talking she says she is done never wants to feel like this again she will grow old alone. I say we haven't even worked through the feelings what if we went to someone who deals specifically with this situation wether we D or not we still have to parent together.
A couple hours later I get back home she is in a fine mood we discuss her finishing xmas shopping gifts for grandparents etc. Some of the gifts are ones to add to each year and she talks like there is no end to us. My IC said let her lead the parade but protect myself. But is there anything to do to rekindle this marriage. I know the GAL. The 180 I need to reread. It just seems pointless. With her comment she seems to be a mix of MLC WAW and in the fog. As much as the A hurts I really like my family whole. I welcome any advice.

23 years friends
15 As a couple
5. Children
9 weeks since dday
Ea was over summer supposedly
Om NC message 2.5 weeks ago
she has not actually asked for divorce.
says she was checking out of R before the A

[blue2010]

Well she finally said it she at least wants a seperation so she can buy her house and move by end of january. She just doesn't want to be married she said she doesn't want any one to be hurt anymore. Doesnt want us to hate each other. I don't think there's any fixing this.

[MrBond]

I heard alot of what "she" wants. What do you want? Did you validate her and say that's not what YOU want?

[blue2010]

I believe I did I acknowledged and have been that this is what she wants I did not beg or plead for her not to.
The conversation started with her saying we need to talk about stuff neither one of us want to talk about. Then what she wants for the kids which we both agree on rt now. Then I asked well what do you want for us. She did not directly answer it was a beat around the bush conversation. Her saying she got two papers one seperation and the other.......... she didn't say D. She needs a seperation document for a mortgage. So she would or could not give me an answer so I suggested going with the MC councillors plan of a notorized seperation agreement and trying 6 months she was agreeable to that without. Argument. I was calm actively listened I did validate by saying I know you need this and want this later I did. Express how I don't like it but I am not stopping her I think we were both crying a little.

[blue2010]

She started a conversation about it again last night the summary would be that either I can sign seperation papers or she can have me served. She is determined. To buy this property contradicting herself about the M saying she doesn't want to be married anymore but then not answering the question so are we done, getting mad at do you want the D papers but ok with the seperation paper. What is that she is doing? I would still like a chance to save this M.

[MrBond]

WASs have a sense of urgency when they do things. That's why having patience in this mess is the most important thing to learn. My W was the same way. She wanted the D now, she wanted to sell the home now, etc.

HOnestly in our home market, it would have been incredibly stupid to do so. So I've been able to hold on to everything now.

[InAPickle]

I can agree with that.
My WAW wants it all now.
Although she realizes now is not the time economically to divide the property.
But if one of us hit the lotto tomorrow, this thing would be over like that.

[MrBond]

It's like there's a fire under their butts to get out of a burning building. That feeling of theirs doesn't last.

IMO they feel that they need to get out before they change their mind. Or the guilt of what their doing catches up with them. This is why no matter what the LBS says, it manages to piss them off and want to leave even quicker. Of course it's easier when they have someone to run to. Even though that person is usually a loser.

[dbmod]

Dis-

Let's get back to the interactions between the two of you, the things that she is not happy with?

I know the GAL. The 180 I need to reread.

What are your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors? Those things that you both do over and over again that leads you down the wrong path?

The 180 you need is THE OPPOSITE of these things. And it's very important to identify them.



It just seems pointless. With her comment she seems to be a mix of MLC WAW and in the fog. As much as the A hurts I really like my family whole.


I'm glad you have a spirit to push through your pain for the higher good of your family. When you heal your marriage the love you rekindle will make it all worth it.

The problem with thinking about your wife as being in an MLC/WAW fog is that it leaves you helpless/powerless. It's the BLAME GAME. When you focus on your part of the equation, you strengthen what is good and you turn the relationship around by changing your pattern of interaction.

You're capable. You have a good mind and a good heart. Go for it.

[blue2010]

Thanks all. She definitly has paper I Accidentally saw them she only had D ones it explained why she was crying this am she filled them out. I printed seperation. Ones to hopefully get that. If I iksnay the D ones. If I can delay it