He always told me that "friendship" OW would not last. He said it was one sided, unrequited. I did not believe then but now I do. I think she was attracted but not too much.
There were times he wished it were over, but he was too weak to resist or be the one to cut it off, until she showed him that she no longer wanted to continue .
He felt that A was only a facet of the problem, he knows he has MLC. He has not closed the door to reconciliation, as he said to therapist. He still is committed to taking care of me and D, He said this all in front of therapist, to make sure a third party knows.
I felt at that point that he wanted me to be patient with him, to wait for him. He was asking me to be a back up. He asked for space to figure himself out.
I could not understand at first of course, was angry, could not see why he was asking that of me. But after reading the DR book, I decided to make Carol my model. So I quit all the pursuing activities, and concentrated on having a friendly atmosphere at home.
I did LRT in other words, but not fully: not bringing up R, or M, or OW, trying not to speak to him first unless its about D, or logistical issue (cars, house, money, food). At that time, prior to OW breakup, we had lots of activities (joint bday party, relatives visiting, planning for Thanksgiving, planning for Christmas) and had fun moments, esepcially with D11, so it hard to be completely detached.
For now:
My strategy: During the depression period, I will make him feel safe by being around and available, helping with the household.
Before he broke up with her, he told me that he was glad to see that I was getting stronger (at least he did see that in me), healing and recovering from the wounds he inflicted. He told me how he was the one going down, getting depressed, and how he was happy that I could be the strong one for now to hold up the family. Maybe he got the strength to break up with her from me? He used to worry that if both if us went down, got depressed or crazy, what would happen to D? He himself said that seeing me weak actually made him want to leave more, was pushing him away.
Come to think of it, what attracted him to me when we were starting? My strength? My guidance? but at the ssme time, our capability to have fun, our level of comfort with each other? I am 5 years older, but also, professionally, I was his mentor. I taught him a lot of what he now knows and applies in his work. I think I was always the stronger one, but impulsive, and he is the more controlling one, ambitious and driven and obsessive.
Sorry, I seem to be using this post to brainstorm, but I get to think of things when I write.....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
