H's MLC - he is still lost but I found myself

[goodattitudegirl]

Mila,

Sounds like your H was in full teenager mode this evening! I'm having a flashback to your posts from last week about how H projected his feelings about his mother onto you. There's no way to win if you're in the middle of this scenario.

Speaking from experience I would recommend side-stepping and deferring to your L as much as possible. When I did this I thought to myself "I keep saying the same silly-sounding things telling H that I needed to defer to my L........I sound like a broken record. H is going to get really frustrated with me for saying these things"....but somehow we got through it. Granted, you situation is much more complex than mine was. I'm just saying, "let your L earn his/her money".

Deferring to your L will also buy time for you. Your H admitted to you that he is depressed. By tearing up when talking about Xmas, H essentially told you that things are NOT good with OW too.

Good for you for planting a kiss on H's cheek. Now you're "cookin with gas!" as they say. You flirted with H! You showed H that you are NOT his mother without saying one word! Keep this up!

Your H might need to hit bottom before he takes a good long look at himself. ..........I want to tell you about a patient I saw last week. This patient has been chronically depressed, she has been having marital problems for at least a few years and these mental health issues have contributed to her chronic pain problems. I hadn't seen her for 6 months. Our whole team had worked with her for the past year or so...........well, when I saw her last week she was transformed.......SERIOUSLY transformed! She looked physically different and she expressed how much better she was feeling......What had happened was that in October she was suicidal and ended up being admitted to an inpatient mental health unit. She finally submitted to and got the extensive mental health treatment she needed.....and her H also finally accepted the seriousness of her problem and his role in contributing to her situation. He had changed as well......and within a 6-8 week period, she became transformed and has now come a long way out of the big, deep, dark hole that she had been in. I rarely see transformations that incredible, but when I saw it, it gave me hope.....It happened really quickly once she hit bottom.

So Mila.........keep the faith. Keep moving forward. Don't let H project his feelings for his mother onto you.

From out here in "virtual land" it feels like your H is teetering on edge of changing in some significant way. Not sure if others are getting this sense too???? I think CW is right about this.

GAG

[kissak]

The holidays really are hard on even them. Its sad, but I dont understand sometimes. They choose this. This year I am choosing to NOT go to the inlaws with my kids to open gifts. The last few years I have gone even though we werent really together at those times. I think I need to change that. However, I have invited my H over on Christmas morning to watch the kids open their santa. It will be his weekend with them anyway, but they will be with me. Its up to him if he comes or not.

Hope you are doing good today Mila

[Mila]

Thank you kissak, I know that the Holidays are though on my H...he barely held it together yesterday when we touched on the subject....we loved our Xmas and all of our traditions....I don't know what I should do...should I invite him for Xmas Eve to have dinner with us and bring D her presents? I would do it more for D then for him....but would it make things better or worse to have him there....would it be uncomfortable and more painful for all of us? I guess it would be for me...but maybe it would be good for D & H....don't know what's better...

[kissak]

I guess do what ever you feel you can handle. I have had my H there on christmas day before. Its tolerable. We are friendly. We have kids together. If you think you can handle it, then I say invite him. You are parents together and there is going to be lots of things in the future you will have to share along with your daughter. The way I look at it is how could it make anything worse.

[Cyrena]

Since having him there on Christmas Eve is something you'd be doing for your D, perhaps ask her what she'd prefer? She might not welcome the discomfort of a strained Christmas with an alien-eyed father.

If she really wants him there, that could be your "gift" to her. However, you ask "Would it be good for D&H?" and that's not really your issue to worry about--it's completely his. It seems like trying to "fix" their relationship while putting your own needs last.

If your daughter doesn't care either way, I'd be tempted not to invite him, to let him really feel what kind of future he's setting up for himself.

[BeingMe]

But, then once the season is over, he will have OW out there for 2 weeks to make him feel better. Maybe, doing the whole Christmas thing to the hilt may make him think about family, your daughter, while with OW, and what he is really giving up.

Difficult choice to make, and maybe he will say no, anyway. If you do invite him for Christmas eve or day, then make him understand it's for D's sake. While at the same time, you make sure you are dressed scrumptiously Christmassy, have his fave holiday food, and make the gift opening fun and enjoyable. I would even have photos of happy Christmas pasts situated around the house, especially ones with D and H together. If you have other people there who he loves and respects, even better. Less stress for you to keep convo up.

This is more of a reminder to him of what he is losing, and a contrast between you and OW ... balance it in your favour ... than if he did not attend. Just a thought.

[Cyrena]

Maybe. But I found that during the period when my H felt that we could not be together, he would continue to feel that through events which were otherwise quite lovely. His depression left him unable to appreciate anything that was good. Plus, there would be these vacant-eyed stares into the distance or towards the cell phone which smacked too much of mooning over the missing OW....

[BeingMe]

Omigosh! I remember the vacant stares. Don't have those anymore, unless I'm talking about what interests me, then my H can't hide his boredom. LOL Whatever.

[glamgirl]

I don't really think it's a reminder of what he is missing. This is a very difficult and depressing journey for the WAS too.

My h was always so depressed at this time of year. I invited him every Christmas and he never came. I also called him on Christmas day every year and wished him a Happy Holiday! He never answered nor did he recipricate.

I always have tried to take the higher road. Even though what my h was doing was not right, in my heart I wanted to treat him otherwise. I wanted him to know that I still cared and was thinking of him.

Just some thoughts!

[Mila]

Thank you Kissak, BM, Cyrena and Glam - thanks so much for your input...I still don't know what I will do, I think that I'll play it by ear....I would like to take the high road as Glam suggests, will feel D out and decide later.

Received a call from H, nobody can sound more depressed then he does now....I think that he was crying. Called to tell me that he showed some of his dad's test results to a doctor and he told him that his dad doesn't have even 2 months left, H needed to talk to about it, this is not his dad's oncologist so I suggested that H call him direct and see what it looks like...H said that he was thinking the same thing, we talked about his dad and some what if's....he obviously needed to talk....he is just so depressed and now this additional emotional burden with his Dad....I'm worried that this could break him. I really feel for him.

H called me again to report to me that he left a message for the oncologist, said he'll call me back when he knows more.

There was lots of feeling in our exchange and warmth and concern for his dad and I'm sure that H felt comforted by my words and support...looks like I'm still the first one he turns to for emotional support in time like this....I guess OW doesn't know and love his dad and can't offer the same level of support and understanding. Our history and family bonds are stronger.

Please everyone, remember my FIL in your prayers, thank you.