Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi SIC, that's a difficult call. In all honesty I think you need to call her on it. If she is seeing OM then she will never connect to you. Say something like, "your work called to ask if you planed on working tonight."

Leave it at that and see what she says. If she already planned on working she will call right away to fix any possible mix-up.

[ScaredinCanada]

So I told her that her work called and asked for her to work but I told her that I thought she was already working. She said she wasn't, but I told her it was marked on the calendar (she looked at it and said that she must have marked it wrong). So I just no big deal, I was just a little bit confused. She started getting upset, and asked "Why I seemed so upset/angry?" but I just told her that I wasn't I was just confused by the sitch. Then followed with saying that I always like doing things as a family, and that it what disappointing that she wasn't coming with us. She left it at that.

We just got home from the night away and my W is already gone for work today, but I tried calling her last night (so the kids could say goodnight) and she didn't answer the phone. She called this morning, and said that she must not have heard the phone and that she feel asleep early (I called around 8:40pm - so that would have been really early). Anyways, she seemed upset that I was alluding to the fact that something might be going on. She actually called a number of times today and seemed genuinely concerned with how I was feeling (that's a change). I really hope it doesn't mean that there is an EA or PA and she's feeling guily?! I'm trying to just believe her and go by what she says, but the actions are confusing me.

Anyways, have to get dinner for the kids now and get them ready for bed. Maybe I'm starting to appeal to my W already?

I really hope I'm just seeing things that aren't there...

[ScaredinCanada]

Ok, another small thing that has worked me up a little. I've let it go, and I'm not going to say anything about it to my W.

When I got home with the kids yesterday from being away for the night on Saturday I was making the kids dinner and I was putting away the dishes that were on the drying rack. Included was a single wine glass.

Now for most people this wouldn't seem like much, but my W NEVER drinks wine. She didn't make any mention of having ANYONE over, and I find it strange that if she did she would leave something out that would make me suspicious.

I wasn't planning to say anything since I feel like I'm on edge right now and bound to jump to conclusions. I want to avoid looking clingy, calling her out on this is probably not something I want to do.

Does anyone think she's testing me? Do you think she wanted me to see the glass? I've decided to not say anything to her about it, because I imagine if I did she'll say she had a girlfriend over and didn't think to mention it too me.

She's been calling me similar to how she did in the past in order to ask me questions about things or to plan for dinner (which she hadn't been doijng for about a week or so), I try to answer he questions as best I can and be the one to end the coversation - in which she usually sounds disappointed or sad at end.

Also I've e-mailed my mother a number of times over the last few days where we discussed the issues as well as normal "How are the kids" type conversation. I told my mother than there is major friction between her and my W that has not been resolved, and that I felt it needed to be resolved whether we stay together or not. In her initial reply she completely ignored the statements about my W, so I replied and said "You understand the problems that exist between you and my W and that you need to apoligize to her for the way you have treated her, and that is fact" to which she finally replied that she understood and new that was the truth.

I'm not sure when exactly this is going to happen, as they are not talking at all - I'm not sure how or when it can happen. I'm at least happy that my mother acknowledges it.

Should I tell me W that my mother has acknowledge that she owes her an appology??

Anyways, just needed to get this off my chest. Venting as per usual.

[TimeHeals]

You say, "You work called. They said the want you to come in tonight".

And then you listen and watch without getting drug into an argument.

[MrBond]

One word - detach.

First thing you need to do is to stop thinking she's doing things to get a reaction out of you. She's just living same as you should be. Don't let her action or lack of control how you live your life.

"Should I tell me W that my mother has acknowledge that she owes her an appology??"

No. You don't really know the reasons why your mom thinks she owes your W an apology. It could be just because you keep demanding it of her. You can't force your mom to acknowledge to your W she was wrong the same way you can't force your W to get back to you.

You planted the seeds, so see what happens.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Bond.

I had some setbacks last night. I questioned her about the wine glass. I just said "so I guess you had a friend over the other night", as she just said "No". So I said I noticed the single wine glass of the drying rack. She said she was "getting some stuff ready for Christmas and she noticed that one of the wine glasses was dirty" - I wish I never said anything because this seems like such a lame answer. Regardless she got upset and said "There isn't anyone else, you just annoy me".

I realize I screwed up again, it's just hard to keep my emotions in check sometimes. I told her I wasn't trying to say anything, simply noticed something that was inconsistant and instead of keeping it in I just thought I let her clear it up.

Anyways, I avoided her the rest of the night - partly because I was pissed off and partly because I know she was angry with me.

Unfortunately my youngest D woke up, and she wouldn't go back to sleep. I got up with her first, took her to the bathroom and put her back to bed but she just kept crying. At this point I had less than 5 hours before I had to get up for work, so I told my W I was going to just let her cry for a bit. My W got angry and told her I "always" do this to her. I don't care that she has to get up with kids in the morning - that she was already asleep so I should have just sucked it up and got my D back to bed. In the end I was the one who actually got her to back to sleep.

Anyways - detaching now. I can see again that anytime I question her at all, no matter how nicely I try to present it she just gets upset. Told me again "You don't listen to me", which she is specifically referencing the fact she doesn't love me anymore.

What I don't understand...and I want to scream it at her. WTF does she want me to do about it??? I barely talk to her anymore. I can't change that I still love her, even though at times I wish I could. I'm not moving out of my house - away from my kids.

Anyways, she's still wearing her wedding ring and sleeping in the same bed with me.

I start counselling today and she's still receptive to counselling, but I think it's because she wants to reinforcement of her feelings...that life would be much better without me.

I know that I need to stick to the plan, GAL and detach. DETACH DETACH DETACH.

[ScaredinCanada]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So my W called me earlier…but I didn’t answer so I just called her back about an hour later and she wanted me to stop and pick up some groceries on my way home – no problem.

Then she says “Oh ya, I’m not sure if you remember but that little girl that I was supposed to babysit – that didn’t work out? They just called and said they now need me again – 4 days a week (full-time essentially), but I know that will be really difficult come the summer because our girls will be home as well – so I told them I’d have to think about it”

So I said, “You don’t want to stretch yourself to thin…”

To which she says, “Except that I’ll probably REALLY need the money by then…”

I’m like uh…”What does that mean”….and she just doesn’t say anything.

WTF?? So she’s planning for me to BE GONE?!??! Why else would she “really need the money”…and again she’s talking about watching this girl in OUR house…so it doesn’t really add up.”

So many facking mixed signals and direct statements that may or may not mean what I think they mean…what the heck is she thinking in her head?!?!?

Otherwise the conversation was “normal”…like any other day…

I bother's me so much that she has these plans in her head.

Just venting, still focusing on detaching - as I'm obviously struggling with it.

[FaithnAK]

Just venting, still focusing on detaching - as I'm obviously struggling with it.

By all means keep venting.

You will continue to struggle with it until you reach a point where enough is enough. YOU will get tired of how your day is made or broken by her drama and when you reach that point, you will free yourself.

I think by now you realize there isn't a damn thing you can do to control her feelings, emotions, thoughts, or actions. There will be a point when you just give up on what she is thinking, because you realize it effects you too much and that YOU need to find your happiness.

When you actually reach that point, she will take notice and probably try other ways to get to you. It's when you just focus on you and YOUR well being that will make her question herself. As long as you allow her to make or break your day, you will not see any change in her behavior.

Easier said than done, but it will come and everyone here will help you get to that point.

[ScaredinCanada]

I'm not over-reacting at all.

But last night when I got back from counselling she wanted to talk. Wanted to know what I told the IC, etc. So I told her a little bit (that I focused on identifying and addressing the issues that I have) and I told her that it went well and that IC said I was on the right track, that it was good that I was able to indentify and own them. I told her about DB and she said she knew of it and thought it was good advice.

Anyways, my W ask me "So your busy working on yourself - which is great and all but WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START WORKING ON US?" lol

So I told her ideally I need to fix myself first, and that she had wanted space so there wasn't a lot I could do with the relationship at the moment. I told her that when she's ready to work through the issues and to not just be angry with me we could start.

I'd really like her to goto IC first, as I am still working on me and really don't want to fall into some of my old habits if decides now that she wants US to work.

Right now I'm focused, and I'm changing and I think it still annoys her. I really hope she books the IC. So then we can plan to goto MC.

My W found out late last night that her mother may have cancer...my W is really upset. I tried to comfort her, but basically told her that they need to hold off until more tests are run. I really hope everything is ok, as my MIL lives with us and she has a trip planned with my W next year. We really don't need the added stress and I really care for my MIL.

I also purchased DR book yesterday (they didn't have any in stock so I get it next week) and I'm looking forward to making time to read it.

Thanks again for the support, especially hard now as I seem to be coming down with the flu.

[Truegritter]

Anyways - detaching now.

SIC I have been following your sitch for a while and this seems to be where you are stuck IMO.

You are reacting emotionally to what your wife says and does.

You project it against what YOU want.

So

Told me again "You don't listen to me", which she is specifically referencing the fact she doesn't love me anymore.

This happens. I know this is hard. It is not what you want to hear but she is not going to listen to you because to her

THIS ^^^^^^^ is reality and what she wants.

The problem IS what she is telling you. You are NOT listening to her.

You keep telling her what you want. Watching her to see signs that you are going to get what YOU want.

When you don't see that or you see her running the other way then

You get frustrated

ANGRY

RESENTFUL

Then ....

You will get tired of all that and buy a one way ticket to Bitterville, population YOU.

Try agreeing with her. Validating her. Have no expectations.

Stop forcing your agenda.