This is my first post and it’s a bit lengthy as I feel it’s important to paint a complete picture of my situation.
My spouse is a WAW. We remain married, live together and function daily as a couple, but long standing, unresolved issues continue to detract from our relationship; I consider most of these shortfalls to be mine. I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. That being said, I’ve made some very poor decisions in my life that continue to haunt us both. I haven’t dealt with my problems in a constructive manner, which has raised a wall between my wife and I; I need help to get my relationship back on track.
My wife and I were married in our very early twenties and our son joined us a few months later. Like most couples starting out, we struggled financially, although I was employed fulltime in the Army; at that time the pay was pretty crappy. Six weeks after the birth of our son I was transferred and we ended up in a place far away from our families and from any form of support. I loved my job and spent a great deal of time away from home. While I was jumping out of airplanes, my wife was stuck in a run-down military house, having to deal with harsh winters and sweltering summers, while raising a child on her own.
My wife was an excellent mother. She always new what to do; she was calm, positive and made things look easy. She raised our son with all the love and care a child could ask for. I found out later that she often felt isolated and alone without her family and childhood friends. At the time, I was too self-absorbed to see her pain. This is where my “issues” really come to light.
Shortly after the birth of my son, my wife became pregnant and I began to feel overwhelmed. I was immature and couldn’t handle the stress. I ended up having an affair; bad decision. I continued this behaviour until I had convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be married and no longer wanted a family. As if the affair wasn’t bad enough, I told my wife to leave; she was pregnant and caring for a small child; no job, no family support and I basically discarded her. Now you can see what kind of a person I am.
My wife left and my infidelity continued as she gave birth on her own to a little girl. She had little choice but to give up her second child for adoption. My parents didn’t support her and either did her Mother; she was on her own. It was about this time that I started to realize that the life I thought I wanted was pretty much a load of crap. I somehow convinced my wife to return, but I never really apologized to her, nor did my mature emotionally.
That was approximately 22 years ago and I’ve continued to struggle with anger and self-esteem issues. Over the years, I’ve spent a great deal of energy whining about my sore back, etc, etc, etc. Despite having an excellent career, a great wife and an outstanding son, I failed to realize how lucky I was. In the past three years, my outbursts have increased in severity and occurrence. My wife has been patient and loving, until recently. She’s finally had enough and has indicated that she would rather live on her own than live with my negativity. Until now, I’ve procrastinated in the self-development department, although I have gone through anger management sessions and pain management for my back. I need help finding ways to communicate without anger, and how to get my wife to trust me again. My anger and my verbal outburst have led her to believe that I’m having an affair, which is not the case.
I desperately want to get my relationship and my life back on track. Any advice would be appreciated.
