Living Like Roommates

[25yearsmlc]

Punchy,

for many reasons, I'm not a big fan of snooping or exposing (to 3rd parties). IMO, it usually causes the LBSer unneeded pain and "public" exposure very often backfires, and looks punitive for the LBSers. In short, it isn't effective.

I say "no" to exposure or snooping UNLESS YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY, that you cannot tolerate any more of this and it's a deal breaker. If so, then there's a purpose to the snooping. It's not punishment, it's information you need so you can live your life with a strategy of life with honesty and integrity. You will need to know if she's faithful for you to want to work on the marriage.

IF she's had an affair but was willing to commit to the marriage, you would need to decide if you could move "from this day forward" (& not obsess about the past or details) but if you say you can move forward, then you have to drop the issue and not throw it in her face the rest of her life. Whereas you need to know you can trust her to be faithful, she needs to know you won't hold the sword of Damacles over her head the rest of her life if she's had or admits to having had an affair. It's a big reason WAS's won't admit A's or even try to reconcile b/c they feel the shame of the affair will hang over their head forever.

IF she's wishy washy or you can't tell if she's serious about commiting to the marriage, then snoop away IF you know you'll divorce her for an A.

But what if it's something you'd "allow" her to explore, with the idea that she might find that the grass is NOT greener with OM, (the grass is greener where you water it mostO). So, what then? Is it sort of what you have been doing the past several months? Kind of seems that way to me.

IOW, what's the purpose of snooping to know what she's doing tonight, if your back up plan is backing off and letting her find her way back? Why torture yourself if all you're going to do is take it?

OTOH, after this amount of time and given her comments, it sounds as if you realize that her original reasons for unhappiness had some validity. But either she's closed her heart to your changes or she's just given up and moved onto an unrealistic approach to "marriage".

IF she's closed her heart, all you can do is give that time AND change some of your approach to a more assertive one. (True Change + Enough Time = A Reaction from the WAS...)

If she's just wacky about what a marriage is now, and thinks this roomate situation will work...I'd say you change your approach to a more assertive one for that too. Either way your approach has to change. It's not working, correct?

Do you "know" you'd divorce her if it's physical? If you are sure of that, snoop and file. But if you are not sure what you'd do, and you are open to reconciling, then for now focus on the holidays...

As for Christmas/holidays, consider this. It could be the last one your family has as an intact family. So, make it a good one. That means renting or seeing comedies, celebrating without wincing at each dollar spent, putting thought into the gifts, and being as relaxed and easy to be around as possible. Put a Stop Sign in your mind every time you imagine her with OM or being weird. Just be in the moment. Create some good lasting memories for your kids...and some that may also resurface in your w's mind down the road. When she stops pondering the pain she felt in the past, and looks at the changes you've made about money and life, AND feels the connection of your kids to you, in time, no woman can ignore all that. (I submit that mothers are by nature turned on by the loving interaction of fathers and their children. It's too beautiful to overlook AND it's like a primal survival thing. We love knowing our offspring are safe with their other parent...make sense?)

If you are open to reconciliation down the road then do as my DB coach said which is to "keep the road home paved and smooth"...and if it's too late or you're too angry, then so be it. But recall that forgiveness is for you. It's not about whether someone else "deserves" forgiveness. Forgiveness is about us not being consumed by our anger or pain, and having it SO preoccupy us that we are not being fully present for our children or moving forward in our lives.

I am not clear on where you stand if she is having a physical affair (e.g., if it's an absolute deal breaker that requires filing, or not) Or what if she wants to stay "Sort of" married....do you know what you will do either way? What events or situations seem to ease tensions between you? As for her guilt, no one returns and stays in a marriage for guilt. But a conscience is a different thing. I for one, could not live HAPPILY with a burdened conscience about my hurting my kids. Maybe she's having serious second thoughts. Interesting that she's telling you about her guilt. Why? B/C she has doubts about her choices but won't credit you for changes b/c that might mean her feelings for you would have to change, whereas if it's guilt about the kids, THEN she can stay without having to feel something different?? Just a thought.
Keep the changes you've made going. Money issues & tensions, esp around Christmas time is almost unforgivable to many of us. (Seems like a really Grinchy thing to do.)

And make this holiday a very very good one for everyone involved. When your wife looks back on this holiday in 5 years, or 20, make sure you give her NO fuel for the negative images she created that justified her feelings evaporating in the first place. No way. Instead, contrast those negatives with the new you, and give her THAT data to recall down the road...the good times will resurface and she'll have to go way back in time to find the negative data. And since you've changed "for reals", the "mean control freak cheapskate critic" data, won't be real anymore. At the very least she'll know your next R will be with the new improved you and she'll miss out on that.
Keep on keeping on.