My little girl (almost 5) told me tonight that she knows Daddy isn't going to come back to live in this house anymore, but when we get a new house next year (I'm downsizing), then Daddy can come live there. I cried. DD is very, very angry at Daddy (although with him she pretends she's fine), and we're getting her counseling. Your oldest is almost old enough to go - you might want to look into registered play therapists if you think he'll need help. My baby (18 months) is extra clingy now, especially if he spends time with both me and H in the same evening.
I learned that it is not good for H to be here when the kids go to bed. That is too much for them.
You say you've lost yourself. That is really easy to do with two small kids. Here's what helped me: a) I taped a big piece of paper on the wall and wrote on the top "Things that made me happy". As I think of something, I write it on the list. It's got everything from "candles" to "exercise" to "Christmas!" I'm trying to do each of those things, focusing first on the ones that H didn't like.
b) I wrote out a list of what I want/need in a partner. I've revised this a few times as I get more detached and start viewing my marriage more objectively. It's really helped me to not feel as desperate, because I realized that my H was NOT doing a lot of the things on the list. I don't want the marriage I had, and this list is my proof of that, and my roadmap for what I want out of a new marriage (hopefully, but not likely, with H).
c) Make your H take the kids for some one-on-one time every week, if he's not already. This gives YOU time to do something for yourself, and forces him to figure out quickly how to parent alone (and maybe appreciate you a little more). The most important part, though, is the YOU. Sleep, cry, clean house, exercise, buy new clothes, read a book, or just enjoy going to the grocery store without a little voice asking for sugary stuff.
