I literally do not know how to stop calling and texting him. I start off the day fully committed to not contacting him and then something will happen and I get weak and text him something. Today he made me furious with a text so I went and called him. So stupid and now I regret it. But it is really great advice and so I'm going to try extra hard!
In terms of what attracted him to me in the first place, it was over 10 years ago so its a little hard to remember. We were introduced at a country concert. We did have a lot in common, same values and a lot of the same dreams. How do I show him anything attractive about myself though when we aren't living together and if I'm trying not to talk to him? This is so hard. And I've got all of these responsibilities now. Back then I was carefree and I could actually take time to look nice before I saw him! You would think missing being home with his children at night would be enough wouldn't you!?!
My son is having a hard time. He's almost 3, so starting to be more aware. He asks for daddy a lot which just totally breaks my heart. My daughter is so young and very attached to me so I don't notice anything from her, but he proably will. His parents blow my mind! They are super religious so you'd think they'd have a major problem with this...but NO!!! I honestly never felt like they accepted me or liked me so maybe they really do think he's better off. I don't know.
I'm going to work on finding myself. I have absolutely no clue how, but I'm going to try. Extra hard right now with Christmas coming up. I'm really going to miss him then.
Okay husband came over on Sunday --- played with the babies we had a great time - no fighting or talking about anything important. He kissed me on the lips good bye and has emailed me everyday - invited me to go watch a Bears Game on Sunday. My fear remains the same I am making it easy for him to be with out us and now I have become his "friend"... anyone else faced with this dilema -
Okay hopefully I didnt post this twice. Andylee I was the same way I would wake up so angry and hurt only to call him right away and all we would do is fight -- I kept saying I love you - we have babies dont do this and he just shut down. I now dont bring any of that up... tomorrow dont call or text him - trust me - once you get through one day it will get easier for the next day. Whenever you feel like calling him - call a friend or family member or post here - I will look for you.
Try for 3 days of no contact - see what happens. Then when you do talk be upbeat- not depressing - like you and the babies are fine. This worked for me.
I just said the same thing to a friend I dont understand how a full time daddy can just walk away and not miss his family... who does that - someone lost. Remember that - he is lost and this is not about you (so everyone tells me)
I know I did everything for my MIL and she is happy this is happening she has her baby back. I feel the same way about he could do better but I always felt that from his friends and now I think that was my issue.
I get up an extra half hour now to shower and do makeup - even if he doesnt see I am doing it for myself -- I bought a book to read at night - baby steps.
My son said the other night when he came over Daddy you are back - you are back- I almost died inside.
Andylee I want to be each others support system - we can do this if we do it together
My little girl (almost 5) told me tonight that she knows Daddy isn't going to come back to live in this house anymore, but when we get a new house next year (I'm downsizing), then Daddy can come live there. I cried. DD is very, very angry at Daddy (although with him she pretends she's fine), and we're getting her counseling. Your oldest is almost old enough to go - you might want to look into registered play therapists if you think he'll need help. My baby (18 months) is extra clingy now, especially if he spends time with both me and H in the same evening.
I learned that it is not good for H to be here when the kids go to bed. That is too much for them.
You say you've lost yourself. That is really easy to do with two small kids. Here's what helped me: a) I taped a big piece of paper on the wall and wrote on the top "Things that made me happy". As I think of something, I write it on the list. It's got everything from "candles" to "exercise" to "Christmas!" I'm trying to do each of those things, focusing first on the ones that H didn't like.
b) I wrote out a list of what I want/need in a partner. I've revised this a few times as I get more detached and start viewing my marriage more objectively. It's really helped me to not feel as desperate, because I realized that my H was NOT doing a lot of the things on the list. I don't want the marriage I had, and this list is my proof of that, and my roadmap for what I want out of a new marriage (hopefully, but not likely, with H).
c) Make your H take the kids for some one-on-one time every week, if he's not already. This gives YOU time to do something for yourself, and forces him to figure out quickly how to parent alone (and maybe appreciate you a little more). The most important part, though, is the YOU. Sleep, cry, clean house, exercise, buy new clothes, read a book, or just enjoy going to the grocery store without a little voice asking for sugary stuff.
Thank you for all of this... I get more out of hearing how people are coping and finding things to give them direction then I do when reading all of my self help books. I have been so lost - realized H has been gone a month. I think it must be something with us ladies that have these small babies so close to age. Do we end up taking on so much that we forget who we are only to be awaken by our H walking away
Cajun Rose do you expect another women? My husband denies it and blames my fun-sucking controlling ways as our problem and why I accuse him of an affair. I dont think I even want to know what he is doing at the bars and dinners --- today he called he overdrafted the bank account that he changed the password on so I cant access... why do I save him the way I do - I am feeling more like a door mat then a strong women
Oh no, don't let him get away with changing the bank passwords. Tell him he either puts it back to something you know or you are going to a lawyer - and then DO IT. Either that, or march down to the bank in person and take out half the money. (My H pulled that too - twice - and changed them back when I threw a hissy fit.)
I don't think it is a coincidence that this is the second time my H wanted to leave - the first was when our DD was about 9 months old, and he says this time he started thinking about leaving when S was 9 months old. Too focused on the baby, not focused enough on H.
I'm fairly confident my H is in a pseudo-EA - he confessed that he considers a woman at work his "best friend", and for a man who needs conversation/friendship/companionship as much as him, that is A Very Bad Thing. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. I do. I sent her an email (and copied her fiance) calling her a homewrecker - H was soooo angry that he filed for divorce as soon as the lawyer's office opened the next morning (after 7 weeks of threatening to file).
We were definitely in a power struggle for years, both of us too insecure to tell the other what we were concerned about, and both of us feeling the other was "controlling".
One of my mantras is "It's not my responsibility to take care of H. He can take care of himself." I'm not very good at this yet, but I'm working on it. About a month into the situation was when I started to have stronger moments, and that's about when the anger stepped in. Now, two months in, I'm up to half-a-day of feeling really good at a time, and I'm not angry as often. You can do this.
You have no idea how much I appreciate the support right now! I am going to take your advice on the 3 day thing. Right now the challenge is that I work a lot and sometimes need him to come to the house at night to watch the kids. Tonight is one of those nights. I wish that I had advice for you on the bank account thing. I know its just a matter of time before that happens to me as well. He has been telling me for months to get my own account, I just feel like if I do it is one more thing that makes this real. His name is on the mortgage just as much as mine is so it benefits him that I make the payments on time...and all the bills.
CajunRose,
Could you give us any pointers on things you've learned from having DD in therapy? I'm curious about the bedtime thing, I've actually been thinking that for awhile now. Even just in general, I think having H at home is confusing for my kids. The next day is always hard for DS. He cries, asks for daddy, and even pretends like H has walked in the door if I'm in the other room with DD. I've also told H to call DS at night, I thought it seemed like it would help but maybe that's also not a good idea. I really have no clue and I'm very aware that my being emotionally unstable is not beneficial for my kids so I think I need to do counseling for myself.
We haven't started therapy yet - I couldn't get DD in until January. I am in IC, and that has helped me to keep a better perspective.
My H is over a lot - we are still sorting through stuff to pack for him, and he's been working nights so he was coming over and visiting them at my house for 30 min before they'd go to bed. If he's here when they fall asleep, both kids have rough nights and cry a lot, and the next morning is usually not good. I'm not letting him do that anymore.
Hi Andylee - How did it go today? Maybe you could work out your work schedule and visitation ahead of time for the week and then try the 3 day thing? I am trying the 3 day thing now and today was tougher then ever since its one month today he moved in with his mom's house. Funny he emails me all day like we are best friends or like we use to do when we were at a good place in our marriage- I dont know what to do. If I entertain we can chat via email all day - I think he thinks we are best friends. Argh... I hate all of this. I have also been letting my son sleep in my bed because he is having a hard time and now I worry about that. The last thing I want to do is mess up my babies habits/schedule. Both them cried last night off and on and I was exhausted.
I worked part-time but now am working a second job to make ends meet - he always wanted me to stay home so this is weird.
I think my goal for tomorrow is not to talk about the big seperation or H MLC.... I said today I wasnt going to cry and I ended up fighting tears more then ever... not a good day at work.
I am seeing a therpist and a coach here on the website
No, I'm not planning to get a coach. I'm doing a modified DB and another method. I think I have a pretty good idea of what is going on in H's head at the moment, and I don't think there's really a way to fight that effectively. He has to figure out what he really wants, and that his problems are not all my fault.
