Thanks Alb, I'll do my best. Its nice to follow your post right now too. The place you are in your R seems so far away right now, but I am glad you have made it to the point you are. Gives me hope, but I am verry far from there right now.
Woke up tonight crying. Think my brain kept dreaming on the problems I am wrestling with. I have been looking back lately at my R with H over the last year and how different it got from better times. Not ready to post all of it yet. It hurts too much right now. Especially the part about how I refused to see how he was hurting me.
My IC a couple of weeks ago asked why I didn't want to see that my H was abusing me right now. He had crossed the line at some point, and that abuse can't be tollerated in a healthy R. I knew that he was right, but didn't know why I kept excusing his behavior.
Right now, I think I have been afraid of admitting how much he has been hurting me over the past year because I want so bad to hold on to when he did treat me with love. I want to think that he loves(d) me. That the person I love was still in there somewhere and is still worth loving.
But... these are seperate people, all wraped up in one face. One of them loved and cherrished me. The other one just keeps hurting me, like he is trying to punnish me. If I don't seperate these two people in how I act with them I will continue to be hurt. My 'new' H needs new bounderies. I can't keep pretending that the man I see now is the man who used to be there.
Breaks my heart and I just don't understand why. Guets the why doesn't matter, just what I do about it.
Right now I need to be as dark as I can be with my H. I have to keep up contact for my daughter, so those walls are going up arround my heart. I can't let him keep hurting me. Have to keep building those walls till I can learn to protect myself.
Don't know if any of that made sense, just needed to get it out. I'm going to try to go back to sleep now.
I know I was in that very spot several months ago. Kept wanting to see the 'old' H instead of the new, not so improved version. I believe it was put in Brooklyn's thread as 'seeing with your heart, not your eyes' That is very true of most of us. Some of us reach a point in this journey where we are able to open our eyes, and detach. Some take longer than others.
For me, being dark was always the best. It allowed me to detach, GAL, and have some pretense of peace. And everything you said made perfect sense to me. This time of year isn't going to make anything easier for any of us, is it?
Hope you got back to sleep and got some rest. ((HUGS))
I think you are right; there are many of us who were hurt by seeing people only with our heart. We looked past their faults to see the good in them. I think there is something right in seeing someone this way though. Maybe the trick going forward will be to see with both heart and eyes.
I was able to get a little sleep after getting everything out in my post. This is not an easy place to be, but it feels good to be coming to terms with these things. It feels honest, almost cleansing.
H sent me a text last night after I was asleep. Just telling me D was still up coughing and he was waiting for the Benadryl he had given her earlier to wear off before trying the cough suppressant. Earlier, at her goodnight call, he also helped D tell me about getting to roast marshmallows in her grandparent’s fireplace.
It is more contact than before I started to detach, but I think these are just more of my H’s timid attempts to connect. I think he just wants to see if I’m there. Not long ago I would have gotten my hopes up and reached out to him. Right now I just appreciate the information about my girl when she is away and share in my daughter’s joys. I stay polite and friendly, but that is all I have for him now.
I had lots of texts and a couple phone calls today from H. All about D3’s cold and scheduling for the holidays. Just practical stuff. Still going to do dinner and shopping tonight.
Kind of surprised, but H asked if it was ok to do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us. Figured he would only show up once, not twice. He didn’t say where he would be that night, and I didn’t ask. He asked a couple times if it was ‘ok with me’ and told me twice that he wanted me to have a good Christmas.
(sigh…) His comment about me having a ‘good Christmas’ got me thinkin’ though. Since his MLC has been going on, when H wants me to have a ‘good day’ for some special occasion, I get hit by another bomb. He was even trying to buy me and D plane ticket to Michigan so I could see my family. Oh, then there is the iPhone he keeps wanting to get me.
Lets see… his track record of giving me ‘good days’ to salve his guilt about planning on doing something rotten include: mother’s day… probably his first date with OW my 2 trips to Michigan for my sister’s graduation and to take care of my dad… ILYBNILWY my birthday… lets me know he plans to go ahead and file divorce papers
Wonder if this bomb will involve the OW or if he got around to filing the divorce papers? Maybe both? I know! Maybe he will serve the divorce papers as he tells me he is getting a place with OW all at once! Then again, maybe he will spread it out since I didn’t let him buy those plane tickets.
Anyone else find their MLCer to be super nice before they drop a big ‘ol pile of sh** in your lap? Am I getting too cynical? (sigh…)
Today was more cold from my H than I have seen lately. I wasn't DBing at my best either, and D3 was tired too. Made a few comments that I don't know if H caught, but I was bordering on snappy. Tried to just keep my mouth shut when I relized I was wanting to hurt him. I was getting irritated by him insisting on paying for everything. He said it was for gas money he had been using out of the account. Just wanted to shout that I don't want his money.
Concentrated on D most of the time. Asked H questions about the restaurant since it is a safe neutral topic. Managed an overall nice evening. Holiday shopping is done.
Probably would have canceled if it weren't for D3. Didn't want to see him tonight. He may come over for holiday stuff on the weekend, but at least I'll be on my home turf.
Want him to just go away or come home. Miss my girl. Want her here. So angry and hurt right now. Know it is more in me than how mt H was acting. He takes his cues from me and I was in no mood to be arround him tonight.
Thanks WS. I always love hearing your advice. 2x4 noted and needed. I'm struggling not to let my anger and hurt derail me.
I am still reeling, but now that I am home I am planning my climb back up the hill. Always had a better view than down in the slumps.
Took some cold meds and a sleeping pill, just so the meds wouldn't keep me up all night. Going to get some rest and be glad I shut up before I indulged in some attacks on my H. Came close, and I really wanted to hurt him. This morning and then the money struck a nerve. I'll post later what set me off, but bassically I am not in a good place. I am seeing my H as I never let myself see him before.
Battery is low and I was such a mess I left my laptop cord at work. Its ok, I'll be rambling soon if I don't shut down.
