Back on 12-5-03 I started this new thread with the following statement:
Beginning today I am a NEW me. I am not going to link my old threads to this one because I am CHOOSING to leave the past...in the past.

Well, apparently NOT QUITE.

Good Morning sister/fellow DBers,

Although hesitant to do so I'm going to post my sorid lapse into the muck and mire of the painful past. Fortunately it was a brief trek into the abyss and I've pulled myself out...but, it was a struggle.

I'm sharing this mainly because EVEN when we THINK we're almost 'home free'....something INCLUDING outside forces unbeknownst to us....can grab us and pull us back in to the pain.

Bear with me, this ain't pretty:

I was sitting at the puter Friday around noon, having a great chat with our friend Cathy (leftandknowwhy), when the doorbell rings....it was the UPS man.

A package arrived addressed to my H (using his 'nick' name and last name and was sent from L. L. Bean the only 'clue' as to the sender on the box were the words, "Billed to third party." WELL, needless to say, I was curious. So, I opened the box and there inside was a cheezy gift of a three sample jam jars and a note from a relative of Hs that was intended ONLY for him, wishing him a Happy Holidays blah blah blah. NO MENTION OF ME OR OUR SONS.

Well, you're probably thinking...so what!

Well, the "so what" is, that THIS same relative is the dear girl that my H took his whore to visit for two days right after Xmass of 2001. (back when I was suspecting an A and of course being told by my H that I was NUTS.) Anyway, this same woman waited SIX months (til June 2002), and on my sons 21st Bday sent an envelope addressed to Mr. & Mrs. (H and I)which of course I opened....INSIDE were two notes AND two pictures. The one picture was of my H and her kids AT CHRISTMAS and the second picture was one of MY H and HIS whore sitting on HER couch with a note TO HER saying how much she'd enjoyed meeting her and hoped she and her DD were doing well blah blah blah...WELL needless to say, this is the day that rocked my world. The truth was finally known and the photo was my ticket to reality AND this NIGHTMARE. That day, while my H was at work, I packed all his stuff and put it out for him to come and pick up. Then I sent him an e-mail with the scanned photo in it telling him that his ass was OUT OF HERE. And that's the day this hell really started.

Of course, I didn't know at that time that my H stopped his R with that whore as soon as they returned from that little weekend jaunt...but that didn't matter.

Anyway...as you all know the ups and downs of this reconciliation maddness and the tentiveness of it...my H and I have been scratching our way along trying to bring our R back to center. The past several weeks I've been doing great. I've been at peace and happier with my life than I'd been in several years...all was going along pretty well....THEN BOOM...along comes the UPS guy.

Well, that package may as well of had a bomb in it because when I saw that note to him and him alone, I exploded.

The following is the e-mail I sent my H that day...(YES, despite Cathy's sound advice NOT TO):

Okay, I'm trying very very hard not to be insane here....A package came from UPS, it was for you...it's a gift from Laura... I am trying VERY HARD not to be angry at you. But that ignorant b*tch has the nerve to entertain your wh*re in her house two Christmases ago and now sends a gift (solely to YOU with no mention of me or MY SONS), to MY HOUSE.
YOUR past behavior has put me in a position to be discounted. YOU rendered me a laughing stock.
You have given that hateful b*tch the RIGHT to send pictures of your wh*re to MY HOME and gifts to you that say....I AM NOTHING.

I am so shaken by this and the memory of this nightmare I can hardly breath.

WHEN, if ever do YOU stand up for me? WHEN do you tell all the people that YOU allowed to KNOW that you had rendered ME MEANINGLESS (with your past actions) that I do have meaning and that YOU were WRONG, or do I NEVER get that?

The LEAST you can do, the NEXT time you're chatting it up with her or sending her money or gifts TELL HER NOT to send a g*d d*mn thing to MY house to keep your 'special' relationship to the two of you and leave my HEART and MY life out of it.

And that goes for all your 'secret' friends that you felt 'safe' sharing your 'other' life with.

End of TIRADE.
Well, that little trip down ugly lane kept me in the dumps for the entire weekend. I could barely speak to my H, let alone look at him. And he was the same around me. We tiptoed around each other, being civil but distant, all weekend.

I had some great dialog with KK, Deb, Opt, Pam and Cathy over this mess and they helped me to sort through it. The truth is, that THIS incident was a reminder to me that it's NOT just my H and I that can mess up our attempt to reconcile but all those 'other' people that have their own agenda for our R as well.

I'm better today, my H and I had coffee together this morning and both of us were obviously more relaxed and more hopeful that 'this to shall pass'...but these little forays into hell are what rip and tear at our attempts to survive this hell....to many of them and we will see our reconciliation slip through the cracks all because we didn't see another shoe dropping.
T2