Hi. I was sent here by a friend whose brother used these forums when he was going through a divorce. I'll try to be brief but still give some information. I'm afraid it might be too late for me to save anything but I absolutely am in need of support.
I am a 35 year old woman married to a 29 year old man. We married right before his 21st birthday and have been married for 8 years. He has always been an old soul and the age difference was never an issue. Anyone that knew us thought it was a perfect match.
So, at the end of October he told me on Monday afternoon after a great weekend together that he no longer wanted to be married. He said he didn't want it for his life. He said that I was a fantastic wife and if he wanted to be married then he would only want to be married to me. However, he wanted to live his life alone.
From that moment on he turned pretty cold. We shared a car that his father had given us and he told me we would no longer be sharing it. We live in Los Angeles and it's pretty hard to get around without a car. This came at a time when my freelance graphic design work was very slow. I had no where to really go and no real options. My friends were few. So, I had to go to my parents house in Kansas. It might have been a mistake to leave but I did as I felt like I didn't have any options.
While I was away for about a month, he only called me once and that was on my birthday. He remained cold and seemingly uncaring. I called him only two other times regarding an email and to ask about coming back and starting therapy. He sent me an email that told me that while I was gone it was proved that he was making the right choice and that he was happier with out me.
Of course I am and was destroyed. Like so many people say, the man I knew was gone. I realized that I had gained some strength from my family but that I had to come back to California and fight for my marriage.
I came back on a weekend where he was away in Vegas with his dad. So I was here for a few days before he came back. He came back just in time to pick me up and go to our first therapy session. He made it clear that the session was to facilitate the end of the relationship and not to save it. He was cold and unfeeling. And yet, still can't really explain beyond "I don't want marriage as part of my life."
I've been back here for about 3 weeks and we have attended therapy twice. The last session he was asked to tell me what he would miss about me and it was the first time I saw emotion. He still tells me he loves me, calls me by pet names and yet is totally adamant that he is no longer going to remain married.
He has removed his wedding rings. He has only stayed at our apartment a few times since I have been back and even then we slept in different rooms. He had to come by the apartment to work at times (he is freelance too) and wasn't very kind.
A friend wrote him an email calling him out on his brashness and cold behavior to me and that actually prompted him to text me and apologize for having been cruel and uncaring.
Over the last week we have had some serious talks. Our prenup has been brought out to be read over. I have told him the changes I have seen in him and he really tried to listen. I had a very bad breakdown one morning and he showed up at the house to work and unfortunately witnessed it. I was trying to be strong in front of him but I couldn't do it this day. It seemed to shake him up and after he had left he kept texting me how sorry he was to be putting me through this. He has even asked to come over once and when walking in the door he has dropped to his knees and grabbed my legs crying while apologizing for doinng this to me. He says I don't deserve it and that I did nothing wrong and that he knows i would do anything to save this marriage but he just doesn't want to do it.
When I told him how scared I was he was prompted to admit he is very scared too. He said he is terrified he is making the wrong decision and that he will mess up his life. However, he sees that the fact that he is willing to risk losing me and my family (they love and support him more than his own family) is a sign that it is the right choice.
He had a very lonely childhood and was only recently realizing that he is carrying around some issues with that. He has also had a hard time dealing some jobs he lost this year. He works a lot at a job that is not his dream while he still chases that dream. The jobs he lost were his dream jobs and not his everyday work job.
This passed year I see that I have become increasingly insecure. He was getting a lot of attention on two social media websites and was garnering a lot of fans that made me feel replaced. I feel like he was searching for the attention of these "followers" and virtual strangers instead of relying on me to give him that attention. Although he says he doesn't care about these people but he tweets and stuff a very large amount everyday so it does actually matter to him.
He had to go out of town until tomorrow but has told me that he is moving to our friend Rusty's apartment on Thursday. I guess it's over. I took my rings off in a fit of total despair but now I am wishing I hadn't. Doesn't seem like something I can take back.
It seems to me like this is a midlife crisis but I have no idea. Our therapist actually said he needed therapy alone. Also, I'm not sure he will go back to therapy with me again. He wants to go but maybe only on his own.
I have no hope right now. I'm sad and empty and am having a really hard time even eating and doing normal tasks. My family is starting to worry about me. I'm starting to worry about myself.
Sorry if this is too long or posted in the wrong spot. I tried to lurk all day before I was approved so I could be ready.
