Oh and H also said that I was in control of the settlement and that by not settling it was costing him money but he couldn't make me organise settlement.
I said I was quite happy to settle. He didn't make any time to organise things though!
Regardless I am going to get on with this and get it done. I need to have it done to help me move forward and to ensure I can't be blamed down the track.
I understand how you feel. You have done a GREAT job of DB'ing. In the context of your H's interactions over the past several months, his recent pullback just doesn't make sense. Something must have happened that you don't know about.
You should do what your gut tells you is the right thing to do right now. Take care of Cas. Regain your physical and emotional strength. You may or may not change your mind when you are feeling better rested and stronger. ..................The only suggestion I would make to you right now is not to tell H about your change of heart. You have worked too long and too hard to keep the road home smooth and paved for H to sabotage yourself by making a statement to him now.
Please do something special for Cas today or tomorrow.
I've been thinking about you a lot this is something to think about....
I just read back in your thread a ways, it seems to me that your H changed somewhere between the 13th of November and the 26th.
Significant things that happened in your world were:
You changed jobs.
You had surgery.
Please correct me if I am wrong, your H (at first) didn't seem supportive of your thoughts to change jobs. after you took the job, H conceded that it seemed a good idea. My thoughts are that H was sharing his opinion with you and you didn't take his advice, IMO YOU DID NOT HAVE TO, but is it possible that H feels jilted by you right now?
You had surgery and he sent you well wishes before hand but failed to make contact with you afterwords instead choosing to seek out your condition and status through daughter. In conversation post-surgery, H stated many times...that you didn't volunteer your condition and prognosis to him thus he felt you did not want him to know....once again H is feeling jilted by you. I FELT, LIKE YOU, THAT YOUR H NEEDED TO SEEK AFTER YOU, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
My thoughts have run this way based on his level of contact and avoidance of you. It is possible that he simply feels like he has nothing to offer you. Is it possible that he does feel jilted? If that is true, it makes sense that he is tip-toeing around. I would not call him cold and selfish, I would call him hurt and insecure.
He is having a hard time finding work and the need to move would not be by choice, rather by necessity. This alone would make him feel inadequate beside you. You are currently very successful. This should not be your worry, however he is probably feeling this way.
MLC men thrive on being needed, loved and validated. They are logical thinkers and problem solvers. Your H is incapable of problem solving right now. You on the other hand have it all going on and, IMO, H is feeling sorry for himself and a failure.
I'm wondering if this is what is happening inside your H right now....If it is, you know what to do to turn it around, after all you have been able to do it before, if you still want to DB that is.....
I support the decisions you make....I know how it feels to be you,
(((Hugs)))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Had a big day Friday with work colleagues and so took it easy Saturday reading and lounging around. It was so enjoyable and so restful!
S left for his trip today and then he'll be back home for Christmas. YAY!!
One of the books I've been reading is 'Why is God laughing?' which is deepak Chopra. I found it difficult to get into it but kept at it as it was highly recommended by a friend. Anyway I persisted with my reading, looking for the little gem I was supposed to get out of it.
It mentioned divorce and how in the beginning we are so pleased with everything our partners do and it is only when we begin to criticise that cracks appear. Got me thinking...... in a new relationship if the guy doesn't visit/call we note it but we certainly don't 'have a go.' That made me realise I was wrong. I had an expectation that H should show he cares by calling/texting. By being critical H thought, " Here we go again. She's criticising. I can't get anything right. Now I'm feeling useless."
Now add to this Sanderika's perception. The scene is then like this;
Cas is having surgery. I don't know what's wrong with her since she didn't tell me. She doesn't want me to know. I'll just check with D to see how she's going and then I'm not intruding.
Then if I think further about what Sanderika has to say.....
Cas has a great job. H sells his business and he looks for a job. He puts in so many applications but he finds it difficult to get permanent work. Cas applies for another job, the only one she's applied for in 5 years and she gets it.
H recently told Cas how capable she was at her work and in her studies. He thinks she's pretty smart. Although Cas denies this and says she is no different to H, he is not convinced. (Cas knows H has the best business brain, and is financially very savvy while she is a dud at anything mathematical).
Cas is setting herself up for another work promotion. She might move to secure the job she wants but she is a little fussy. She can wait until the right job comes along and she can make sure it fits in with D and her studies and sport. H is feeling the strain financially and he might have to move to another city to get work. He really doesn't want to. He'll miss his D.
And if I think more about that...... H always responds positively when I ask him to help....it's cos I ask him to do things he can succeed with.
Lots more learning happening for Cas.
Thnaks GAG and Sanderika.
On this occasion I think you've hit the nail on the head Sanderika!
Thanks for sharing your journey here. If I understood you correctly, I think that you are saying that H will be drawn to you if you reflect a positive image of him back to him. This is similar to the concept that Jody told me about that explains why the "big man on campus" (handsome, smart, and successful) often ends up with a woman who may appear plain to others ---- she makes him feel special ---- she makes him feel better than anyone else can.
Sanderika, thank you for sharing your perspective here. You are very strong and compassionate.
After re-reading your post again, I think that another major point you are making is that you are reminding yourself that your R with H is now a "new R" ---- not the "old M" ---- and so you need to remind yourself to adjust your expectations and to behave accordingly --- maybe like you did when you and H were courting. I have trouble remembering that myself, even though XH and I are D'ed. It must be much harder to remember when you are still M'ed.
If I understood you correctly, I think that you are saying that H will be drawn to you if you reflect a positive image of him back to him.
Yes, that's what I'm saying, especially if Sanderika is correct and H is feeling insecure about himself, (and I'm sure she's right). He then doesn't need me to be telling him he's got things wrong. If I ignore the negative and focus on the positive I should do better. As soon as I pointed out the negative H cast a negative over everything else.......Cas, you're always criticising. Cas, we never get along. It's always fights. It will never change. It's always been the same. (and this is just so not true but perhaps it is his perception, especially if he is already feeling down)
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
This is similar to the concept that Jody told me about that explains why the "big man on campus" (handsome, smart, and successful) often ends up with a woman who may appear plain to others ---- she makes him feel special ---- she makes him feel better than anyone else can.
It also explains why the ow is invariably a 'model down' which is definitely true in our case. I believe that ow affirms H and she also drops everything when he wants to do something.
I think that another major point you are making is that you are reminding yourself that your R with H is now a "new R" ---- not the "old M" ---- and so you need to remind yourself to adjust your expectations and to behave accordingly --- maybe like you did when you and H were courting.
Yes, absolutely! And I've reminded H that our old relationship is dead....over with.
Thanks GAG. I really appreciate your wisdom! It certainly helps my perspective.
