Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

PEI I probably did have some expectation even if it was removed from my conscious thought--because that would generate an anger response.

I texted that he could get his ornaments tomorrow or Thurs after he is done working and he could let himself in and out with the hidden key. I don't want to see him in person. Not this close to the divorce being final. I don't trust myself not to get upset so I'm going to either stay late at work or run some errands before I come home.

He wrote back "you and the kitties are very welcome, btw." (in reference to my thank you note.). I said that most of the money was going to fix a house problem, but I got some small things for me, was going to shop for the cats on Thursday and wrap everything so we could enjoy opening gifts Christmas morning. (I have kittens--kittens LOVE 'opening' presents ;-)

He said "you're not going to either of your sister's for xmas?" I said I was going to the parents on the 26th but staying here on the 25th. He said "don't try to be tough. Enjoy your time off." I said "this is my home. I want to be here. I don't run away from things that might be tough anymore. Plus it might not be tough after all. And I have fun plans for over the holidays" So then he said he had to go run errands, and to take care of myself.

(as a side note my parents expect me to stay with them now every holiday--I did for T-giving--but I feel very childish doing it. I feel like I need to establish my own life/traditions as a single person in MY home. My parents are trying to "protect" me from harm in the way he always did and I am very bothered by giving in to that protection because I think I'll regress to the hugely vulnerable state I was in when he left).

Anyway, I am one of those people raised on Catholicism who fought it every step and gave it all up once I got out from under my parents and fluctuate between atheism and agnosticism. As in, when I'm desperate, I go back to praying, because it's automatic and memorized and works as a mantra to calm me. I can't say I'm a believer but I do it now pretty regularly with some hope that it will help. I hate being hypocritical and I don't want to offend anyone who is religious. So I resist. But then I do it anyway at night. I keep saying to myself, how is it that a marriage that was "sanctified" has been "allowed" to end this way? But you know my H was non-practicing his whole life--raised Christian by parents who never made him do the stuff mine made me do. So maybe the vows meant less to him. I had the commandments INGRAINED in me, he didn't.

Anyway I don't want to get into a big faith discussion but I guess that in my agnostic state I can admit I do pray and say thank you for what I have (all you guys included) and I keep asking to be shown the right path. I also admit that I have asked for "something" to happen that will show my H that the correct route is for us to reconcile--but I also don't know that I want that because it's the RIGHT thing to happen or if I want that because I'm afraid I'll never find another person.

I have no problem at all anymore being alone in the day to day world. It's when I think about a year, two years, five years, ten years from now, and still being alone, that I just feel panic and feel how "wrong" everything has gone.