Yep, it's a long journey! Not an easy one. And I've been suicidal a few times also.
Infact, In December 2002, I was so upset knowing something was wrong and my H was acting like I didn't exist that one night when we were in our bedroom. I blew my stack, he just sat there in bed looking like he didn't care about me. Here I was pouring my heart out, and the @$$hole just sat there, like so what. I did a terrible thing; I reached down and grabbed his .45 (loaded) and cocked it, threatened to pull the trigger and end it all in front of him. Still he sat there, no emotions showed! I don't know what was said, because I lost it and would have probably shot myself. I had temporarily lost it! But, he finally talked me into giving him the gun and coming to bed. I sobbed and said I thought he was going to leave me. And you know what he said? "Deb, I will never leave you, I will always love you!"
Wish I would have had that DR book a year ago. I made so many mistakes then. Did all the wrong things and ended pushing him farther away. Even after I found out about the A, he said it was hard to choose between the 2 of us! But that he didn't want a D. We talked about spending more time together and trying to make it work.
A few days later, he totally distanced himself from me, wouldn't sleep with me even. Would not hardly talk to me. Then 2 wks after the bomb, I went up stairs and seduced him, knowing that he didn't want to have sex, it was the last time we did. I felt like a cheap whore, even though he was holding me and rubbing my back. I knew it was over. Because he told me that night he loved her more, would rather be with her and only felt obligated to take care of me!
It was like someone talked him into that, because at first he was willing to work on it and that first weekend I had the best sex ever! So, what made him change his mind? He was so cold that last night!
2 days later I filed, told him he had to find a new place to live. The original plan was he stay until Spring and keep seing OW. I couldn't do it, it was killing me to see him go and come home from there. I degraded him by telling him he had to take a shower after he was with her. He did that once and then didn't shower again.
So I know the journey is not an easy one! Been through a lot of pain. We all have.
But I figured that it took you a while and a certain stage to get to the point of telling your H your needs. I just wanting you to make that clear to others here. Timing is very important. If you tell your S those things at the wrong time it will come back to nip you in the butt!
Thanks T2, you are someone to look up to! (((((hugs)))))
You are very special to me, as I don't know how I would have hung in here this long without you supported me! And helping me see the trees! LOL
